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My toxic mom & vacation plans

I wont bore people with a long post about my mom. Just trust me when I say she has always been a less then stellar mother and I knew this from the time I was a small child. I love her, because she made me the mom I am today. I knew early in childhood everything she did I would do the opposite of when I was a mom.
Every year my dad tries to book a vacation and wants to include me and the grandkids. Its fun, even though we do deal with my mom (grandkids dont get along with her either). Shes usually well behaved when dads around. This is the second year though she has started a fight with us (me, grandkids) just before we book our vacation time. I strongly believe she doesnt want us to come. She is insanely selfish and if she thinks she can use $100 my dad MIGHT spend to take the kids to the Aquarium, she will have a tremendous cow to get that $100 for herself. Usually my poor dad just throws her extra money to even it out.
Last night she unfriended me on FB LOL. I honestly dont know why. She kept my husband as a friend, and the grandkids. Anyway vacation is coming up. My dd (almost 22) said we would plan one with out them and that we dont need them. I know shes right. I dont want to hurt my dads feelings though. Do you think we should just do our own thing and basically "dis" their vacation attempts? Obviously my mom doesnt want us there.


Asked by gemgem at 9:25 AM on Apr. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Level 42 (148,630 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I would plan your own vacation because your mom doesnt want you going. She is trying to get attention and she thinks she is competing with you to get your dads attention. I would let your dad know whats going on and that you are planning a vacation with them this year because of your mother. Your dad will understand why your doing your own thing this year. And if that was my mom trust me I wouldnt want her to ruin my vacation.

    Answer by shelle21 at 10:06 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I think you should discuss this with your father and let him know that as a family you are uncomfortable. Maybe plan a vacation and invite your dad to go along, not your mom. I too have a toxic parent.....HUGS to you.

    Answer by ElenaC419 at 9:28 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Have a sit down, heart to heart with your dad. He might be hurt, that can't be helped, but chances are, he's been unhappy all these years anyway. He can't be totally in the dark as to what she's been doing. In the end, he may be relieved. Or, he might put her in her place, and maybe, just maybe she won't go. But, if you guys don't go with them, you really need to have a really good talk with your dad. He deserves to know how your mom has treated you, and made you and your kids feel all these years. Kinda like an intervention? Maybe your kids can talk with him as well since they are older. Just as long as it's not done in a way that he feels attacked and cornered, which may be hard, but try at least.
    But, I think it would be best to go your separate ways before long before there IS a huge blow up and things get horrible.

    Answer by Raine2001 at 9:33 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • You should talk to your Dad privately and explain to him how you feel. Then I would go on vacation without her.

    Answer by KateShesGreat3 at 9:33 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I would tell him that it's your vacation time too, and it's very precious to you. You don't want to spend it being upset, or having to tiptoe around someone. Plan it and invite him to come (although he probably won't if it means leaving his wife), but tell him your Mom isn't invited because of HER poor behavior.

    Answer by JawgaMom1 at 9:54 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Thanks. I might. My dad usually defends her though. He is from that mind set and generation where you defend your spouse even when you know they are wrong. I might have my dd call him. He melts for her (first grand daughter) lol.

    Comment by gemgem (original poster) at 9:32 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Thanks, yeah hes my step dad but like my dad. I feel for him. I lived with her 17 yrs and could not wait to get out, hes been with her over 20. He must be a saint.

    Comment by gemgem (original poster) at 9:40 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • You believe your mom is toxic, you believe your mom is trying to sabatoge your plans for her own selfish reasons .. why do what she wants? Why don't you do what your dad wants and make him happy? You don't have to associate with your mother very much, if at all, because it isn't about her. Just be happy that you and your kids get to spend time with your father. I think you should still go on vacation to make your father happy. Does it actually matter what your mom wants if you think so poorly of her?

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:53 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Yes it does matter. She is my mother, he is my step dad. I am not one to go somewhere and not enjoy myself. I dont get unlimited weeks of vacation time, neither does my husband, or my kids who are adults. When we go do something together once a year it is to be together and have fun. Not deal with fighting and drama.

    Comment by gemgem (original poster) at 9:56 AM on Apr. 2, 2011