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5 Bumps

Not feeling like an equal....

My husband and I were doing amazing in our marriage up until last October when I became a stay-at-home. He got a good paying job that allowed me to quit mine and finally stay home with our boys. I fought for this for a long time, and because he is one who feels comfortable with having a lot of money, he always fought me on the idea. It seems like ever since I've been home, and not bringing in as much income (I watch a little boy and still make a little money), he hasn't respected me as much, and he also doesn't take my ideas or suggestions into consideration when it comes to spending and saving our money. He recently spent $4,000 without even discussing it with me. That hurt! I told him this and it just turned into a huge argument, basically resulting in him disregarding my feelings.

Two weeks ago he got a promotion, making great money! I am happy for him, but our marriage is sh*t now. All we ever do now is fight about money, now that we actually have money to spend and save! I want my input to matter, I want my ideas to count in regards to how we handle the money. Instead, he seems to make all the decisions, and doesn't once think to ask me what I think. A few weekends ago I finally told him my feelings on all of it, and because he was mad at me, he said VERY hurtful things. Like that I don't know what hard work is, and he'll just quit this job so I am forced to put the boys in daycare and find a full-time job. He says he didn't mean it and that he was just mad, but he seems to say the things he truly feels when he is upset.

This is a huge deal because we are trying to save money so we can sell our current house and buy a new one. So I'm not wanting a say in the money just to have control, I just want to make sure we are on the same page when it comes to a budget and our monthly payment for our new mortgage. Last night I got upset because he told me some of his plans with the money, but didn't once ask "What do you think?" or "Does that sound good to you?" He just told me how it was going to be. So when I asked him if he was going to ask my opinion on it, he just rolled his eyes and made a comment that I "all of sudden" care about the finances, where was I the last 8 years? There were no finances to care about before! We lived paycheck to paycheck and HAD to pay our bills, there was nothing to discuss.

In the end, I don't feel like an equal to him. I think he thinks less of me because I am not a working mom (he claims he doesn't, but actions speak louder than words!) and he doesn't EVER talk to ME about our money situation. I am an adult, I am responsible, and I CAN make financial decisions. I feel like he thinks that because HE brings in all the money, then HE gets to make all the decisions. Am I wrong to be asking to be an equal in all of this? I feel more like his child than his partner lately and it's really taking a toll on me. Life would almost be better if I just went back to work, then maybe I would get a say in things. On the other hand, if I was forced to do that, I would really hate my husband for it getting to that point, and I don't think I could be happy with him anymore. I'm already getting to that point, I'm not sure I want to do this anymore if I can't be seen as his partner and 50% of the equation....

I've run out of ways to tell him all of this, and I'm exhausted trying to talk to him. I have NO idea what to even do anymore....

Answer Question
 
MichaelsMom330

Asked by MichaelsMom330 at 10:47 AM on Apr. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,334 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Go to a marriage counselor ASP, before things get even worse.

    He needs to be told what he is doing is wrong!

    gammie

    Answer by gammie at 10:52 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I wish I had advice for you, but I'm in a similar situation myself, except that I work part time and don't make as much money as DH. I think it's a way for them to feel like they have control of something. One thing you can try, if you have the time is a small, homebased business. Any money that you make with it, you keep put away for future plans, like your new house. I wish you lots of luck.
    heratyc

    Answer by heratyc at 10:59 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • i think you took the leap to being a sahm without it being part of his decision..you did say that he likes money and that he liked when you worked because he wants to be ahead. maybe he is angry and feels that you are not wanting to move ahead. i do see his side. did he give you the okay to be a sahm or was this just something you decided to do because he got a nice promotion?
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 11:00 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • maybe if you tell him you are going to go back to work and "why" you feel like you have to (because you want to feel equal, right?) he will feel guilty.
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 11:02 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Maybe he is jealous of the fact that now you get to stay home, and he doesn't?

    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 11:05 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Since your husband is so "cost conscious" I would literally itemize what your being a SAHM SAVES your family--daycare, professional attire, gas, and other "incidentals" like going out to lunch, "spa" treatments (nails, hair, etc.), office supplies, etc.), then DEMAND he give you that money as your SALARY!! :o)

    Then add up the extra cash you make watching the other child, and add that to your salary!!

    Sometimes men need to be reminded the VALUE stay at home moms actually BRING to the family budget--and that is often shown in DOLLARS!! :o)
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 11:13 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I really appreciate everyone's responses! It helps to know that what I am asking for isn't wrong! A marriage is a partnership, and I feel like my husband isn't treating our marriage like that. We got into a huge, blown-up argument last night about all of this. He said he wasn't going to talk to me about it right then, so I asked when he would, and he said in the morning. Well, the morning is almost over and he still hasn't brought it up. I knew he wouldn't. Every time we have an argument, he says we can talk about it later, but then he never he brings it up later, and when I do, he just gets mad and shuts down again. I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with NOT talking about things anymore, I really think I need to suggest counseling again. I think he needs help from someone on the outside to see it from my point of view.
    MichaelsMom330

    Comment by MichaelsMom330 (original poster) at 11:48 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Also, I did get his "okay" to be a stay-at-home mom. Because of his new job and the new hours he would be working (actual office hours versus restaurant hours), we would have actually been in the hole if I continued working and had the boys in daycare. However, I don't think a marriage is about asking for permission. He didn't ask my permission to take the job he did. We talked about it and agreed mutually that it was the best decision, just as we did with me becoming a stay-at-home mom.

    He has known since our first was born 4 years ago that spending time with my boys is MORE important to me than making money right now. If that means not having all the luxuries right now, then so be it. I don't get this time back with my boys and I am going to make the best of it while I can. Once they are in school then I can work full-time and make the big bucks.
    MichaelsMom330

    Comment by MichaelsMom330 (original poster) at 11:53 AM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • i agree..so tell him that. tell him you are enjoying being able to stay at home with them at this age and you are happy you are able to do that since he got his promotion. Tell him you do plan on going back to work when they are in school.
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 12:53 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Wow. You're marriage sounds like mine, before I got divorced. Here's what i learned from it. I hope it helps you.
    First, money in a marriage is all about control. You're not making any, so he feels like he has all the control. WRONG. Marriage, among other things, is a business. The money he makes is BOTH of yours, not just his. Youre both in this marriage/business together. Therefore, you should have a say in how it is spent.
    Second, he is acting like the parent and you're the child. This is bad for any relationship. Who wants to sleep with their father? This dynamic HAS to change for your marriage to survive.
    Third, he is probably jealous that yoy no longer work. Husbands underestimate and undervalue how much work being a SAHM is just because we can stay in our jammies later than they can. Impress upon him how much money you are saving by not putting your children in daycare.
    Good luck. Counseling would help.
    Inloveagain

    Answer by Inloveagain at 1:05 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

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