Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

Is mother in law going overboard?

My DH has several health issues including non-symtom emphysema, borderline diabetes, anorexia (he has a hard time with appetite, no body image issues) and now a high white blood cell count, which could mean leukemia-I really hope not though. His mother has been very "up our butts" in recent months calling hubby several times a day on the house/cell phone, reminding him of doctor's appointments when I am capable of doing so, and when she's on the phone with me tells me "do this, do that, blah blah." I realize that she is coming from a place of concern but it seems to me that she is going overboard. I am afraid that if my husband gets sick and needs more intensive care, she's REALLY going to try and take over. What I dont get is when hubby's stepdad was sick and dying, she made suggestions galore, but didn't help him out herself much, and she doesn't make a point of going and visiting her own mother in a nursing home or even calling-and they don't have a strained relationship-I get the feeling she's just being lazy. So I dont get why she's up our butt's 24/7 and it's really aggravating!! Hubby agrees to a point that she's overboard, but then he's also said "you cant shut her out". I'm not trying to shut her out, but several calls a day? Telling ME what I need to do? I need suggestions for hubby to get her to ease off some.

Answer Question

Asked by purplerobin at 1:45 PM on Apr. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (6,413 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • Think about it from her shoes, that is your son who might be sick.. how would you react.. I would act JUST like her sad to say but I would. she is VERY worried about her son and just want to help out how she can.. He might be your husband that's her baby too

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 1:48 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Well, this is her son. As mothers, its heart wrenching to see your child sick, and I don't think that eases up with age. I imagine its not that she's trying to be "up your butts" or even aggravate you, but she's concerned for her child. She's trying to take care of him the only way she knows how. Try putting yourself in her shoes. If your child was that sick, and the only thing you could do was make suggestions?

    Answer by KWnavywife at 1:49 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I realize this ladies, but she's going too far! I dont think she is trying to be up our butts or aggravate on purpose...but HOW do I get her to back off some? If she keeps going in this direction she'll try and move in with us if he gets sick!

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 1:51 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Gravely ill I should have said...

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 1:52 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I would still be the exact same as her, driving you nuts at every turn just because I would be worried sick. She is trying to do what she can, maybe sit down and have a talk with her and let her know you have it all on a calendar and that you just have to wait and see what the doctors say.

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 1:54 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • And if she's truly coming from such a plac of concern, where is the concern for HER OWN MOTHER?? It's not like she's having to change diapers or bathe her or anything (she never did...her siblings and her put her in a nursing home a few months after she got dementia).

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 1:55 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Just be honest on how you feel and ask her to give you a little space. Ask her to cut down the calls and anything else that bothers you. Don't expect her not to be there for her son but maybe she will give you a little space if you ask her to.

    Answer by momavanessa at 1:56 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I don't worry about my mom nearly as much as I worry for my kids.. My mother is supposed to pass before me, my children are not. If Mom is in a nursing home she is being taken care of and I have done the "best" i can for her. I can't go see her all the time because it would depress me to see such a strong woman fading before my eyes.

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 1:57 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • True, and I DONT expect her to have the same level of concern, but she hasn't gone to see her in MONTHS. I'm not saying "go see her all the time" I'm saying if she can be up our butts she can spend a little more time with her mother. It isn't easy to watch your mom fade before your eyes, and I'm sure she probably feels the same, but the more important thing should be spending time with her now and then. And the fact that someone else is caring for her should mean she has all that much more time to call or visit.

    ....maybe I also DONT feel like they did "the best they could for her" I mean there may come a time to put mom in a nursing home, but they did it the second things got difficult. Laziness. Also, when DH's stepdad was sick my hubby did all the work with a freshly injured back (lost his job b/c of it and now the injury is permanent) she suggested to us after he passed that we should have "moved him in" with us

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 2:02 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • KNOWING we were in a cramped apartment with a small child, and never ONCE suggested that hubbys older brother lift one finger to help. He lived in a roomy, nice house, had kids old enough to help, and made $30/hr so he was much better equipped to help stepdad, but hubby got stuck with all the work.

    Comment by purplerobin (original poster) at 2:04 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.