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I am getting remarried and he has an adopted child that he only has visitation with that is a problem child what do I do

the man that I am going to marry has an adopted child that is his wife @ the time adopted from her 16 year old niece who was into drugs so didn't take care of the baby inside her. There is alot more to this story but what I am asking is how do I handle this child that when she comes to my house is bad, we can't even go out in public because she acts up and he really can't do much because he only has visitation and not shared custity the x made sure of that since it is her family and not his that the baby was coming from. I have a 12 year old that loves him and can't wait for us all to be a real family. I guess my question is how do I handle this child when she comes to our home and disrupts the weekends. Love the man but the adopted child what do I do.

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countrymom60

Asked by countrymom60 at 10:50 AM on Nov. 29, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (18)
  • Since he adopted the child, he is legally that child's father. If the child has issues, it is due to whatever their mother did while preggo. You cannot force him to choose you over his child. The fact that the child is adopted has no relevance. In the eyes of the law, the child is no different than if it were his biological child. If you cannot accept the child in the home, you need to find a new man. It's a package deal.

    You never force a man to choose his child over his flavor of the week.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:19 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • Find out what is wrong with her? Get your man to talk to her ask her whats wrong etc. That kid is acting out for a reason and she needs love.
    keyaziz

    Answer by keyaziz at 1:04 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • It is a package deal....When he adopted that child, she became his. Love hime love his child. Discipline is between him and the mother of the child.
    LisaAnnM

    Answer by LisaAnnM at 2:12 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • Shouldn't this question really be about by being a step parent. He is the child's father. You are going to be the step mother. Either you can handle it or don't get married.

    Just because he only has visitations doesn't mean that he can not provide structure and discipline.
    luckyshamrock

    Answer by luckyshamrock at 8:47 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • Except her or don't marry him. I would discipline her in the same way you would if that was your child acting that way. How old is the child?
    hopingforanange

    Answer by hopingforanange at 11:41 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • I agree...what does that fact that she is adopted have to do with anything? She's legally his child, so that means she comes with him when you get married. Visitation isn't based on if the child is adopted or biological...it's based on the parents involvement in the child's life. You need to figure out if you can handle his daughter in your life, and stop obsessing about the fact that she's adopted, that's totally irrelevant in this case. If she has issues, then maybe her FATHER needs to see about getting her some counseling!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:09 AM on Nov. 30, 2008

  • Psychologist have proven that in extended families the children have to be & need to be disciplined by the parent & not the step parent. New people coming in & acting as an authoritative position over them furthers their confusion & the issues they may be having with the divorce of their parents. New adult role models are to be supportive & add a positive influence into the extended households. If a child is considered to already have problems I would think this theory applies ever more so. So you do nothing as far as discipline. How would you like it if all of a sudden someone you did not know came into your life on a regular basis & started bossing you around? You need to look the studies up & inform your future DH of this information. I'm with the others, why are you continually using the word adopted? He is no less responsible for her due to that fact.

    strongmom40

    Answer by strongmom40 at 8:34 AM on Nov. 30, 2008

  • I am with the others. Just because she is adopted doesn't mean he can just stop seeing her. He knew his responsibilities when he signed the papers. She is his child. A lot of drug babies have problems as older kids and there really is nothing you can do about it. If his xwife got full custody its because he let her, they don't just give out full custody because the child is adopted from one side of the family. He could take her to court to force the xwife to take the child to a therapist. Its sounds like YOU think there is a difference between an adopted child and a biological child and there isn't.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 9:55 AM on Nov. 30, 2008

  • And little girls usually are a problem when daddy gets a girlfriend/wife. She is only with him on the weekends, it won't be as horrible as you think. Try and talk to her mother and see if there is anything you can do at your home to help her out. And for the record she isn't your husband's "adopted child" she is his daughter which makes her YOUR STEPDAUGHTER.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 9:55 AM on Nov. 30, 2008

  • I find it interesting that you feel there must be something that can be done since this is an "adopted child." This "adopted child" is your soon-to-be husband's child for the rest of her life. Like it or not, you will have to deal with her just as you would have to deal with any other step-child. Adoption has nothing to do with this. You should post this asking for advice on how to deal with a soon-to-be step-child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:17 AM on Dec. 1, 2008

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