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2 Bumps

Can somone tell me what to do?

I would like some advice on a situation that is going to sound like a Maury episode that happened 13 years ago-something that I am not proud of but it is in my past and was totally out of my character, but I was living a totally irresponsible life at that time. I was in a relationship with a man I'll call "D" for six years when I got pregnant-I was also involved with a man I'll call "B" for about a year but I was seeing both at the same time for a while. When I had my daughter, who is now 12, she looked like "B" and he became real attached to her. I left "D" alone and we both went separate ways. I had a paternity test done and it was found that "D" was the father. By that time, she was about 3 and only knew "B" as her father. "B" was there the whole time she was a baby and did everything for her. He is the only father that she knows and I also have 3 other kids with him. "D" was never in the picture, financially or anything else. We did schedule to meet so he could see her, but he never showed up. "B" knows that she is not really biologically his by now but he has said that she will always be his daughter. In the past, "D"s daughter by his ex-wife contacted me and told me that she was dying to meet her sister. Recently, she contacted me and my daughter on facebook and told us she wanted to finally meet her sister. I told her that I didn't want to confuse her and that I would somehow tell her the truth and that she has 2 fathers. I knew that my daughter would be hurt if she found out that "B" is not her real dad and it will hurt "B" if she meets "D". I also don't want to hurt the sister, because none of this is her fault. Last week, I took my daughter to meet her sister, which went well, but now my daughter doesn't really want to have a relationship with her. "D" came in too and wanted to meet her, but after awhile he kept looking at his watch like he was ready to go. I think that my daughter is scared that she everything will change now and she has become attached to "B"s other kids, who she knows as her sister and brother. I know this is all confusing to her and I hope one day she will understand-I love her with all my heart and don't want her hurt. My question is should I encourage her to have a relationship with her sister or just let it go? I am not really concerned with "D" at this point, but I just want everyone to be happy.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:37 PM on Apr. 2, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (7)
  • Yes, you should encourage the relationship and your daughter needs to know the truth about her father. Your daughter has a right to know her sister and her father. You do not want to be the one who says no and have her daughter later resent that you kept her from her sister. Let the relationship grow.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:42 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • Honestly, I would let it go. The way I see it is if you try to force the relationship with her sister, the resentment will start to shine through. It is ultimately her choice, and if she changes her mind, which she may in time(she may just not be ready for all of this) be supportive of her decision. But if she loves the man she has always known as her father and is ony cofortabe with him, then thats okay. Sometimes the sperm donor is just the doorway for another person to get the gift of raising a child, and I think its good that she still loves the man that raises her regardless of wether hes her biolgical father or not. And Kudos to you for being so supportive of this situation for her and only trying to look out for her welfare!!
    ReReJohnson

    Answer by ReReJohnson at 9:42 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I think you should allow her to talk about everything at her own pace. make sure she knows she can always come to you and talk to you. listen to her, and do what she wants. ask her if she wnats to have a relationship with her sister, maybe explain to her that her sister wants to know her BUT if your daughter doesn' twant to have a relationship with her she should know that is okay because its not her fault. i think its up to her.
    ElsaSalsaaa

    Answer by ElsaSalsaaa at 9:43 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • I would respect your daughter's choice. You never know, she may change it at a later time. Your dd is still young. This is a lot for her to handle. Honestly, I'm not surprised that was her reaction. Respect her decision and be there to support her no matter what. And make sure she knows that.
    4EqltyMom

    Answer by 4EqltyMom at 11:41 PM on Apr. 2, 2011

  • when she is older let her go for it but now tell her she has a sister she needs to know who her father is and she is lucky girl she has to fathers one who would move mountains and one who gave here life
    dutchcanadain

    Answer by dutchcanadain at 3:32 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • She has a family, who loves her as much as she loves them. That will never change, make sure she knows that. She will always have a Father, a Dad. The person who was there to kiss owies and hug away bad dreams. "B" will always be that person. She has to find out about the facts of life. She just happened to be the one good thing that came out of a relationship where in the end of the day you chose to stay with the man you loved. Let her know that, let "B" know that. Let her keep her relationship with her sister. Let her nickname "D" with something else than "dad" so no one gets hurt. But it is always good to have more family. You never know if down the road she needs a transplant of some kind. If people are horrible you shut them out. But the sister does not sound like she is a horrible person. Just because there are strange leaves on a lovely yard, doesn't automatically mean there will be weeds, it could just be a rose bush.
    blainesgirl

    Answer by blainesgirl at 3:27 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • sorry i have no advice
    mommyof3-2008

    Answer by mommyof3-2008 at 10:44 AM on May. 26, 2011

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