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6 Bumps

What should i do?

i just met a really good man and i'm starting to fall in love with him. then yesterday he sends me a message that my mother sent him on facebook. she told him that she doesn't think that we should be together because he is black and that if we keep dating it will cause problems between me and her. I don't want to lose my boyfriend he's the only thing that's made me happy for a really long time, but i also don't want to lose my mother either.what should i do?????

 
dansmom87

Asked by dansmom87 at 9:02 AM on Apr. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Level 5 (60 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • Oh honey, I'm so sorry she did that. She had no right to do that, and just created a lot of problems for you. Ask the guy how he feels about this, and if he understands and can handle your mother, then great, I would continue to pursue a relationship with him. You won't "loose" your mother. But your mother clearly does not want whats best for you (past her own judgement), and there are boundaries. If he acts hesitant about the situation, I would tread carefully. You don't want to wind up with a broken heart. So sorry your in this situation, how wrong of your mother to interfere like this. Best of luck.
    CollegeMommy121

    Answer by CollegeMommy121 at 9:54 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Frankly, that's a repulsive thing for her to do. Have you had a heart to heart with her about all of this? From what you're saying, she wants you to give up your relationship and happiness but what do you get in return? You get to keep her in your life. I know she's your mother but what does she give you that's worth keeping? I don't envy your position at all. :(
    Nonoluna

    Answer by Nonoluna at 9:05 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Honestly, you won't lose your mother.

    You need to have a talk with her and tell her that it's your life and she needs to keep her nose out of it. You will always love her and have time for her but you need ti live your own life.

    If your mom chooses to boycott you because of who you date, your mom is pretty fickle and needs to grow up.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 9:05 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Why is your mom friends with him on fb in the first place? This just goes to prove that fb ruins relationships. I would continue to date him regardless. Tell your mother that this isn't 1891 and slavery was abolished long ago. People who are racist in this day and age really don't deserve to have any opinions, as their logic is so outdated. Good luck.
    KateShesGreat3

    Answer by KateShesGreat3 at 10:13 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • If you become closer to this man talk to your mother and tell her you want to be happy and not alone. She is the one who has to change and accept things. If she doesn't you need to consider if you can be comfortable with not having the relationship you would like with her. Trust your feelings and see where it goes with this man. Don't rush things.....take it easy. Talk things over with him too and see if you both can "weather" this storm. My cousin was dead set against her daughter dating a black man but eventually accepted the situation and 11 years later they are all happy and see each other often. I wish you all the best
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 9:10 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • does her mother really know him
    texting him about not dfating you because of his race is not fickle it is racist
    is this new info to you (your mom being a racist?)
    do you think she can open her mind to this idea?
    i would let your mother know that her ideas are her own (although wrong, they are hers) and she is wrong for thinking this, and wrong for texting these rude and racist statements to your friend/boyfriend

    do not know how to handle, you can not change others, but your mother is so wrong to judge another on anything other than character. try to have a hard long talk with her, let her know how wonderful he is

    let her describe who she thinks you should be with, then desrcibe who you would like in your life...give a long long list of character attributes a good man would have (make list very long) and when she agrees that all these things make a great man, then say now imagine he is in a body of another shade
    GL!
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 9:11 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Talk to him first, if he's that important to you. Does he feel the same about you? Does he think that he can handle your mother's racism for the rest of her life?

    If you both determine that you would like to pursue a relationship, you need to confront your mom. Don't be brutal, but make it clear that she really overstepped her bounds by sending him a Facebook message, of all things. Tell her that you are disappointed that she would let something like race be a problem for her, and that if there was a problem between her and you, it wouldn't be your doing, but hers. Don't let her manipulate you by saying anything like, "There will only be a problem if you're with him", because it's still HER problem, not yours.
    If she tries to make her choose between the two of you, don't play that game. Tell her you love them both, and you want relationships with them both and hope that it can be that way.
    MariAnKenobi

    Answer by MariAnKenobi at 9:08 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I don;t know how oold you are...but if still a teen in her household you pretty much should abide by her wishes. I would talk to her and ask y she feels this way. I went thru a similar situation when I was a teen but she couldln't give me a reason besides "they are different from us" well duh....every one is different. I married him, she didn't speak to me for almost 2 years....when I called to tell her we were moving out of country. She met my dh then. We have 2 boys - whom she absolutely adores now. Even though when she found out i was pg the first time "oh my those poor children....they are not going to know what they are"....they know...they are themselves :)
    brypmom

    Answer by brypmom at 9:11 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Talk to them both. First of all I hate to say it but he may not want to be in a relationship like this. Many people will cut and run rather then deal with that sort of drama. Talk with him and see where he stands first and foremost and tell him how you feel.
    I would then talk to mom and see why she said this. Is she normally racist? If not then I would see about having her atleast meet the guy before forming an opinion and explaining how and why you feel like you do. Its a tough situation, but in the end it could work.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 9:16 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Only YOU knows who makes you happy, a lot depends on your age. You are in the same situation i was in my entire life, I tried talking to my family and it didn't work so I believed that my happiness came first! If my family could not just be happy for me and see how happy he made me, then I did not care about their wishes. I never understood how any "family" could put their ridiculous racist ways of thinking before their own childs happiness. She had NO RIGHT doing that. Thats one thing my family didn't do... they did not let "my boyfriends" know they were that way, they were nice as pie until they weren't around. Then it was why can't you be with a white guy... etc...Choose your happiness! Your mom will come around, if not it's her lose... BUT, be sure he is worth it! That sometimes depends on your age, sometimes you THINK someone is worth it but learn later they were not. Be Careful! Follow your heart Talk to mom.
    JenzAmomOf2

    Answer by JenzAmomOf2 at 9:22 AM on Apr. 3, 2011