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Did anycafe moms go to marriage couseling. I have tons of questions and hope some moms can help out with nerves. thanks

I do not know if really want to go but if I have to I have questions and hope some other cafemom friends can help with this. One did it help? Or did things work for awhile and then back to the same thing? I do not want at first to go together so can you go apart and then later together? I would like a woman one but husband would want a guy one? Would you choose? why? We went to one. he went and then I went but when wanted us together I said no way not comfortable with that so neither one of us even went back? What are somethings they told you to do it work things out? Like homework or nights out? HOpe someone can put my mind at ease. Thanks.

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momindiana

Asked by momindiana at 10:18 AM on Apr. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Level 22 (13,326 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I went to one with my now ex, and obviously no it did not work. I cant answer all of your questions, I can just tell you what our counselor told us and he was right. If you come to marriage counseling both parties have to be willing and want things to work out. If you go and one does not, then it wont work at all. For me and my ex trust was gone. He had been cheating on me & there were other issues as well. He expected me to forgive him and never bring up the fact he cheated (I am talking a matter of days after finding out). He did not really want to work things out imo, and I know in my heart I didnt either. I couldnt be with someone I didnt trust. I didnt love him anymore. So like I said, if you go there truly wanting it to work, and you both do it can help.
    We never really got to any "assignments". All we did was fight and argue.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 10:21 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • We went to a few sessions, and things were good for awhile, but now I feel like it's back to the way it was before.
    KateShesGreat3

    Answer by KateShesGreat3 at 10:25 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • me and my hubby went back in 2009 just to try to be able to talk to each other better, it did nothing for us but bring up hurtful issues that had happin in the past that we had moved on from. since then i read books on it and i try to make a diff. my hubby is a pretty happy guy and all so its pretty easy to fix our problems by reading books to help me figure out how to show him love more and so on. but i dont knowyou and your hubby so i can not tell you that you dont need it but i have had alot of friends and family go and it hasnt done anything for them as well , a waste of money they can be very $$
    wendyandjeremy

    Answer by wendyandjeremy at 10:31 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • My husband and I went...honestly, whether you have a female or not, they are not USUALLY biased to one side. It helped us tremendously...the reason it usually won't work, is if people don't practice what they were taught in counseling....you can't expect to sit for an hour a week in someones office then go home and expect to have a fairytale marriage. Marriages take work anyway, and if you're having problems, they take even MORE work. Things WILL go back the way they were before unless you WORK at it....So yes, it worked for us. We've been together almost 12 years and married for almost 7. Our communication is much better...my husband has learned not to hold things inside (with practice)....and going together is a GREAT thing to do...if you feel like you have your own issues then go seperately also...in the end, it will be better for everyone, unless you think some unrepairable damage has been done to the marriage.
    calliesmommie

    Answer by calliesmommie at 10:32 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • And remember, you can only change if you both want to....if both of you think it's a waste of time, or you're scared, then I guess I wouldn't bother either. My husband and I both wanted to save our marriage bad enough, that we didn't care what we had to do. I don't regret one bit of it :)
    calliesmommie

    Answer by calliesmommie at 10:33 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • My ex and I went too. Where I wanted to work on communication and sharing chores equally, it became all about money. I had moved out with my dd at that point and he blamed me for getting a seperate place and spending so much money on the deposit and all. The focus became how he was going to fix what I had, "screwed up". Seperate counseling is such a great idea. Take your time and find the right counselor for you. We did end up staying together after counseling, for another 10 years. Good luck
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 10:42 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I went with my ex-husband, but our marriage was beyond repair by that time. The therapist was female, and honestly I believe she was afraid of my husband. She spoke to me privately at the end of the session and told me I should leave him because I wasn't safe; she was right.  I would advise against joint counselling if you fear for your physical safety.

    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 10:49 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I went with my exhusband. It helped me a lot. I learned tons about myself and about what it takes to make a relationship work. The counseling will not help your relationship though unless both of you work at it, and work with the counselor. That was our issue. My ex would act great in counseling, then the second we walked out would roll his eyes and say something about how stupid it was.

    You should be able to work out the counseling how ever you are comfortable with it though. When you call to set up appointments, let them know that you would like individual counseling first. In the individual counseling inform them that you are not ready to do counseling together yet. Our counselor for a little while wanted to do individual counseling and couples counseling, switching off every week, but my ex said no.

    soccerchik8287

    Answer by soccerchik8287 at 10:53 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • As far as the sex of the counselor, if you find a good counselor, it shouldn't matter. Ask around and get recommendations and go to one who is good. I would have been comfortable with either one. In fact I prob. would have preferred a man because I would have thought my ex would be more comfortable talking about his issues with a man, and to me having him be honest and comfortable was important. I would recommend against going to a counseling organization that is all about faith. I know there are many Christian counseling centers out there, and they often just tell people that if they want it to work, God can do anything, and to put faith in God. While I believe God can do anything, I also believe he requires us to work for it. The center we went to was Christian based but they were also very much about marriage taking 2 people who are willing to make sacrafices and work hard to make it work. Good luck!!
    soccerchik8287

    Answer by soccerchik8287 at 10:56 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • It's nearly impossible for 1 therapist to wear 3 hats. For therapy to work best (in my opinion) the husband and wife should have individual therapy, like soccerchik said, - where you can express what the problem (s) is/are without worrying about your spouse judging what's being said, learn about your/his own strengths/weaknesses in the relationship and how you/he can work on them and even if, after the individual therapy the marriage is something you both want to work on. If you do feel it's a marriage you both want to save then you take it to the next step with joint marital therapy. It really is 3 parts. That being said, you have to find good, qualified therapists you are comfortable with even if it means "couch hopping" a few times. I fervently wish I'd had this and the excellent advise given in the above answers before my husband and I saw the 1st of 4 marriage counselors. Best of luck to you, Momindiana
    etown2reds

    Answer by etown2reds at 11:51 AM on Apr. 3, 2011

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