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3 Bumps

What do i say to them?

ok so me and my daughters are on our way from having sunday dinner at my moms the girls are in the back seat and this is how it went

my 6 year old: (out of the blue)mommy can you have another baby?

me:why did you ask me that?i thought you didn't want another brother or sister

my 8 year old:yea mommy i didnt want another sister eather but every since daddy died i think we should get another baby so that we dont be lonely because it used to be 4 of us now its only 3 so if we her another baby then it will be 4 again so then i wont be lonely

my 6 year old: yea mom plus we wont be sad any more cause sometimes babies make people happy but as long as you don't get a new daddy then we will be happy because i don't ever want a new daddy because i already have a daddy even tho he died i still don't ever want a new daddy

my 8 year old: yeaa momm dont get a new daddy because then that means we gon have to get a new Mamaw (my mother in law) and i dont want a new mamaw because mamaw is gonna be sad if we get a new daddy cause then she cant be our mamaw any more and i dont wanna make her sad because she has been really sad lately & uncle Kewan (my brother in law) said that mamaw keeps cooking a lot of food so that she wont be so sad

What do i say to them? my husband died last month and this descussion has never been talked about to me,the girls are very close with each other so they have probably talked about this with each other but never to me

Answer Question

Asked by LABELmeCUTE at 10:35 PM on Apr. 3, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 15 (1,951 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband.

    I guess that would be a touchy subject. Maybe explain how happy you are to be the 3 of you right now and in order to have a baby sister or brother...there would need to be a daddy.

    Sorry I really can't help you on this topic.

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 10:42 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • im sorryhugsI agree with ItsJustMe... I don't know what I would do or say in that situation. I'm so sorry about your lost momma


    Answer by lyvi at 10:55 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • You could tell them that it is natural or okay to be lonely when we lose someone who is so special to us. It is normal to feel that kind of pain, but because we are all hurting so badly right now, it' not a good time to make any big important decisions like getting another baby or a new daddy. We might need to think about or talk about those things later on, but right now it's just too soon because those are decisions that should be given a lot of thought and Mommy is just not ready for that yet.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:56 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • That is so hard. I am so sorry for your loss.

    I would explain to them that grandma will always be their grandma, that she would never be replaced. But that you can't have a new baby without learning to love someone else, and that wouldn't happen for a very long time because you still miss daddy (correct anything I'm saying to fit your own beliefs, of course), but maybe affirm that they are right...babies are wonderful and do make people happy. It just can't happen right now. If we can't have another baby...what else could we try?

    My cousin lost her husband to brain cancer when she was only 27...they found out she was pregnant with their second child the same week they found out about his condition. He lived until two weeks after their daughter was born...and losing him so young was something she was not prepared for. She attended a young widows group that really helped her sort through her own feelings and that helped ..cont

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 11:13 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • her also learn how to help her children, as many of the women she met were mothers of young children as well. She went through anger, crying, eventually acceptance, fears/guilt about dating again, etc. Honestly, there is nobody better to help you and talk to you about these things than women who have experienced it.

    I am sure there are groups on cafemom that might be able to support you better.

    Again, I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult questions/scenarios that come from it. Just do your best. It is all you can do.

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 11:15 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I am truly sorry for your loss. My husband passed away reasonably young too, and I had two children to raise on my own. I was not prepared, even though he had been sick for a while. My kids sort of asked the same things. I was fortunate that my children had already been seeing a group called "Amanda the Panda....the Bear with a heart." My son got to go to camp with kids whose parents had died. Is it possible that you have something like this where you live. They have ways of dealing with kids that sometimes we never even think about. The kids would probably talk to them more than you, because they know you are sad and miss daddy. I agree with some of t he other ladies, tell them no baby right no and no new man. This will make them understand there is no substitute coming your way for a while. My prayers are with you. Hug those kids a lot, they are what you have of your husband.

    Answer by GiGito1SoFar at 11:36 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • That is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I hope you are doing okay, I have thought of you.

    It's terrific that your children can have such an open dialogue with you and share real feelings about this. I am sure it has been rough. I believe they are really feeling the loss and now that some time has passed it is sinking in and becoming reality. It is important to stress that their daddy will always be daddy and no one else is leaving them including mamaw.

    They are feeling loss, so surround them with extra love and attention. It sounds like you are doing that.

    Use family and support, and share and discuss your feelings, sharing memories and letting them know the adults are sad good.

    It might be a nice time for a small distraction like a little pet. Just a little beta fish in a tank will do, doesn't have to be big. It is something positive and it can give them something nonjudgmental to share feelings with too!

    Answer by spottedpony at 12:03 AM on Apr. 4, 2011

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