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3 Bumps

Family tension/parents overly involved?

So I'm a teacher and we had our third child in December and my husband and I have decided that I'll stay home next year (day care wipes out my salary). I'm excited about this, but (and I know this is lame) I'm scared to actually quit because of how my parents are going to react. With being a teacher and having tenure, they think I'm crazy to give up job security - even if it's a job I don't really like (I love kids, but much prefer time with my kids). Six years ago when I decided to move in with my husband a few months before our wedding, my family shut me out (no communication) for a good month - some of them longer - it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I know that quitting will be best for my family and my personal happiness, but I know it's going to create major tension with my parents (side note - we live by my side of the family and we're pretty close, my parents are very much a part of our daily life). Any thoughts on gathering my courage to actually do this? Thanks!

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gratefulmom913

Asked by gratefulmom913 at 10:41 PM on Apr. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Level 6 (145 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • You need to just tell them and they need to just get over it. It's not their lives, and I think it's a very rude and unhonorable way to treat their daughter. It's not right and you shouldn't have to feel bad about it. Let them take care of them, and you take care of you. Never feel bad for doing what's right for you family, even though it can be hard.
    LogansMama09

    Answer by LogansMama09 at 10:45 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Family is important but you have your "own" family to worry about, and if you and your husband came to this agreement then don't let others make you feel like it's a bad decision. It's your future, your job, your kids, your life...it's not fair if they stop talking to you but hopefully they will see the error of their ways. Don't stress yourself too much about it for the sake of the baby, and stick with your decision. Good luck. Btw, you're courageous enough already in my book :-)
    GomezMami2908

    Answer by GomezMami2908 at 10:46 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • tell then you got laid off?? Or that they need to mind their own business, it's your family, you life!!

    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 10:47 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I really don't like when people (family) try to tell you what is right for YOUR immediate family. You're an adulte with a family of your own and they need to realize that.
    Just tell them when you feel the need and explain it just like you did to us. They HAVE to understand that financial aspect of it, or at least they should.
    ItsJustMe1017

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 10:49 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • Sounds like you need to put your family first. What's best for you, your husband, and babies might not be Mom and Dad's idea of what's best, but they aren't raising your family....YOU are. If they get upset, they just sort of have to get used to the changes. If they really love you and their grand kids, then they will accept it as you have. It's tough when families are so very close, but just remember, those three children need you and you need to be there for them. I hope things work out with the family, but remember, you are doing what you believe is best for you and Your family.
    GiGito1SoFar

    Answer by GiGito1SoFar at 10:50 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I'm facing a strangely similar situation. I am a teacher as well, not tenured, but I am due next month with our third. I just went on my maternity leave, and we are considering me not returning to work for next year. Like you said, daycare for three kids would take a giant chunk out of your salary. When you have to decide whether keeping your job is worth paying someone else to "raise" your children, it doesn't make sense.

    My family is divided. All my father says is "If you can afford to be home on one salary and Joe supports you, go for it", but my mother worries that I will be "throwing away everything I worked for".

    That said, my family is more the type to discuss your decisions behind your back than they are to ostracize you for them...and that only lasts until the next family scandal erupts. Bottom line...do what is best for your family, and if they are decent, they will come around to the fact that it is your choice.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 11:05 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • If you are deciding to stay home b/c you want time with your own children, that's a choice everyone, including your family, must respect. But you need to state it that way, no other justifications, such as the daycare cost. The reason is what you should be comparing, from a financial perspective, is your earning power over the lifetime, not just the annual cost vs. annual salary in the time you are giving up that salary. In your case, you should be comparing your earning potential, including the benefit of healthcare, summer off, pension and salary OVER YOUR LIFE TIME vs. the cost of daycare for the next 5-7 years. I think your parents may just want you to be financial independent. A spouse may die unexpectedly, or leave you, maybe they just want to know that's one less thing you have to deal with. Not trying to convince you to keep working, but just want to present the other side of the argument for you.
    Olivia4116

    Answer by Olivia4116 at 11:17 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • They just might surprise you. I said something to my parents about having given up my career and they told me, but being a mother is so important. Knocked my socks off. Not what I was expecting. I hope your surprise you too.
    LoveMyDog

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 8:52 AM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Eventually we have to cut the apron strings. You know what's best for you and your family, so do it. Your Mom and dad don't have to live your life with your responsibilities so you don't have to explain anything. Tell them what you're doing, that you've thought about it and its in the best interest of your family to do so. If they question you, tell them lovingly, that it's YOUR choice and no matter what they say, you will not change your mind. Your time with your children is special and important, you shouldn't have to justify that. There's always time to go back to teaching when they're older. Thank them for raising such a strong willed, caring and confident woman, then be that! :)
    Droyal14u

    Answer by Droyal14u at 1:10 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

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