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How to deal with the emotions with a dead beat father !

My sons father isn't in the picture and doesn't pay children support and he hasn't seen our son in three months. Our son just turned two and he wasn't even there for thT. I have. Wonderful boyfriend and will soon be my sons stepfather. He is wonderful with my boy and I am soooooooo greatfuL! BUT I AM so angry his dad is such a jerk! My son deserves the best and its not fair for him to be treated the way his real dad does. I just can't imagine not being apart of my kids life. I don't know how to deal with my frustrations I know I need to just except the facts. It's hard and it hurts me because I know one day my son will start asking ?s.

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blaykesmom09

Asked by blaykesmom09 at 10:52 PM on Apr. 3, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 4 (47 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • When your son starts asking questions just tell him you don't know why his father made the choices he did, and remind him of the support system he does have. It's hard to understand why people wouldn't want to be involved with, let alone know their wonderful children. It's a tough subject, and you're far from alone. My cousin has a newborn, father bailed when she was a few months pregnant, and he has about 6 other kids (that he admits to, he doesn't admit to her son so it makes you wonder how many more he may have) scattered about. Anyhow I know she's already wondering about that, and I can't imagine. Stay strong, use any resources you or your son may need, and good luck.
    LoveBuggsMommie

    Answer by LoveBuggsMommie at 10:58 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • I am currently going through this same thing with my son and his biological father. It gets so hard sometimes dealing with it. its been 13 months since my son's father has seen him, and he all of a sudden calls my son, and picks up like nothing ever happened or that he hasn't missed anything. I know my son(4y/o) doesn't understand completely, but he is starting to pick up on it, and I just try to speak in the positive about his father, but I want so bad to tell him the truth at times, because I feel like his father is hurting him more than benefiting him. His father never calls him, sends him anything, or none of his family on that side. Thankfully his step father is a really good one, but I know that as he continues to grow older he will question about his biological father. Honestly, with his step father, my son isn't missing out on anything. I do feel like both biological parents should be a part of the child's life though.
    allen.moriahd

    Answer by allen.moriahd at 11:31 PM on Apr. 3, 2011

  • As my mom always says, don't worry about those things you can't control. Nothing you can do about your son's dads behavior and it's his loss. I've been in your position before and the worst thing you can do is allow his behavior to get to you. I've always told my girls that they don't have a dad so that makes me work twice as hard to be a good mom.
    MommaKath1975

    Answer by MommaKath1975 at 11:59 AM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • My dd is almost 13. When she was a few mo. old until she was almost 3 her sperm donor signed away all rights to her. He got w/ a young girl who wanted to play house, and got his rights back. I tried to let my dd see for herself, what kind of person her "father" was. And she did. He's over 8 grand in the rears for cs, he misses a min. of 1-2 visits every mo. Mostly he ONLY shows up 1-2 times per mo. (He doesn't get overnights, but gets every Wed. 5-8pm/ every other Sat. 4-8pm, aprox 6 visits per mo.) He hasn't gotten anything for her for last 2 b-days or christmas's. And when he does show up, he's always 25-29 mins late. DD used to get upset, but now she shrugs it off. I feel bad for kids in this situation, but you can't make someone be a parent. All you can do is be the best parent you can be, and be there for them, show them love and support. Dont bash other parent but dont stick up for him either.
    HappyEndings

    Answer by HappyEndings at 12:11 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • "He got w/ a young girl who wanted to play house, and got his rights back"

    OOOHHH this shit pisses me off. I knew a couple once (loved them but thought it was complete shit) she made him fight for custody of his daughter because she wanted to play step mom. I would be pissed if all of a sudden my ex got with a girl and decided to fight for custody.
    kayslay

    Answer by kayslay at 12:52 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • When he does ask, just make sure he undersatnds it has nothing to do with him. My odds dad isnt exactlythe best. When she asks I tell her, that I dont understand anyore than she does his reasoning but that he is the one missing out on watching her grow up. I dont stand there and tell her how awful he is or what a pos he is. That wont help her. I just try to make her see that she has never done anything to cause his disinterest and tha Im sure he loves her he is just not as capable of showing it as others are.
    katcb1019

    Answer by katcb1019 at 2:07 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • First, put this in a bubble and blow it away, because it is something you cannot control. HE is NOT someone you can control.

    What you CAN control is A,how you deal with this and B how you manage your son.
    I would tell him he is a lucky boy, because even though your soon to be DH is not your sons bio dad, he picked your son as his own. Bio dads aren't given a choice, but your DH was. There are some things we as parents... no matter how much we wish it, cannot deal with for our kids, they have to come to terms with some things on their own. When you son is older perhaps talking to a professional will help..so that it is clear, your ex is the one with issues and he did not leave because your son was a bad person or not worthy of love. GL to you.
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 2:26 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Thank God for the better man in your life now. Let go of your feelings, etc. re your ex-husband. He can deal with your son's questions, just tell him to ask his father (when he does start asking) ...
    tasches

    Answer by tasches at 6:49 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • When your boy starts asking questions, you take the blame on yourself instead of putting down his dad. You tell him that you made an unwise choice when you chose this man to be the father of such a great little boy. You then use that to teach him how to make the better choices when he is old enough to make them. You let him profit from your own mistakes. You cannot change what the father is, and you cannot change your past choices, but you can put those things to good use in the life of your child. I also think that if you do see it that way, it will help you with your anger toward the man whom you have no power to change.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:54 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • My half brother and I had similar situations with both of our fathers (same mother, er, obviously). Focus on what you can do to be sure that your son knows he is loved by the family he DOES have - don't focus on his biodad. Yes, he will ask questions later, and it will be painful for both of you. Be honest with him. Make up for his biodad with love, not negativity. He will have to answer to his son one day for not being a part of his life. That's between the two of them. *hugs*
    CPCrane

    Answer by CPCrane at 1:56 PM on Apr. 8, 2011

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