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2 Bumps

No intimacy or affection when SD is here, just want to see if any other step-moms go thru same thing

Just wondering if any other step-mom go thru this on visitation days or weekends? My bf kind of goes into "monk mode" when SD is here and I am wondering if this is normal? I am not suggesting drooling and mauling one another all the time but there's no affection or anything when she's here. Am I being selfish? And yes she is young at 5 years old and needs a lot of attention, I wonder if he feels pulled and can't figure out how to "act" normal when she's here. Maybe he's feeling like if he pays to much attention to me, it pulls away from her? I don't know......any comments?

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:26 PM on Apr. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Just ask him!

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 1:28 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Not a step mom but a biomom. My son lives with his dad at the moment and visits me on weekends. My dh doesnt get much attention from me when my sons here. We have two other kids at home (and my son) and although my other kids get most of my attention Mon-Fri it is different when my sons visiting. My dh has learned to live with it. I asked him once if he felt ignored lol he said a little, but he understood it was my time with my son and that there would be plenty of "us" time later.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:29 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • just tell him how you're feeling.. don't feel bad though, my DH pretty much completely ignores his son when he's here. he would rather be playing video games. the only thing he really does is gets him food and stuff. and then there is the rare occasion that he will take him somewhere.
    he probably feels that his daughter needs the attention and likes to give it to her. be happy for that.

    Answer by febmom007 at 1:47 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I would just let him have his time with his daughter. It's important to both of them!

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:47 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I have talked to him and yes I so agree that their time is important but when there's nothing towards me, it makes me wonder is all. I do love that hes a doting father and thats one of the things that attracted me to him, I just kinda feel invisible when shes here and wonder why it happens. I don't try and intrude on their time but then in the same instance I want to be part of both of them and it feels I am not. I'm not over exaggerating when I state theres NOTHING when she's here. So I am left feeling bad at times. Thanks for the input though, was just wondering if anyone else goes thru the same thing.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:51 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I can relate to this... My SD is 2.5 and my DH used to act this way when we had her.....but that didn't last long. We have primary custody of her. It did kind of hurt when he would ignore me almost entirely, or act like I was just a roommate/friend. Now that I think about it, though, she was only about a year old at the time, so she *did* need a lot more attention then. Now, as time as has gone by, she almost favors me over her father and he is the one getting jealous that she will want to sit with me, or play with or will constantly ask where I am when I'm not at home. How long have you been in your SD's life? It's good for your SD to see that there is affection in healthy, adult relationships....and as she gets older, she probably won't feel as threatened by this.

    Answer by Molly4630 at 2:02 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Being s step-parent is hard. But being a step-child is harder. (I was one!!) .... You get see and be with her father all the time. She sees him every other weekend and Weds, I am guessling. She will wonder if he loves you more than her. If you like her. Etc, Etc. You either need to get involved with them and try to shower some of your own attention on her or you need to suck it up. If you can't do either, then you need to move on. Not everyone can be a step-mom. And the step-moms I know, are jealous of previous children. And then it gets worst when they have their own children together..... Good Luck!!

    Answer by eluc at 3:15 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I agree with others that she does need his attention and lot of it when she is visiting to make up for the time she is not with him. However, if the two of you have an otherwise happy and healthy, loving relationship, she should see evidence of this too. It doesn't have to be over the top, but a little bit of handholding or an arm around you gives her the message that you are important to him too. If he excludes and ignores you when she is around, it gives the step-daughter the false impression that you are not that important to him. Plus, a loving relationship between him and you is the best teacher about what love and relationships are about. I have a teen daughter who gets jealous over my husband. At first, she would pull our hands apart if we were walking and holding hands. But she's eventually gotten used to it. She's still kind of jealous, but I think important that we act natural around her about our relationship.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 4:25 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

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