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Any advice? My mother in law is moving in!

I would appreciate any advice at all. My mother in law is almost 70 and can't live alone anymore. She currently lives in another state near her sister. Her sister is not interested in living with her. We do have room for her, but she is tough to get along with. She is very reserved and when she was here for a visit in December I think she said maybe ten words. My husband really won't talk about it and thinks she is just great . I have asked him details as far as what is she bringing with her and he just won't talk about it. She is also bringing her 10 year old small dog that she adopted about two years ago. We have a little dog that hates other dogs. My husband tried to tell her no, but she cried and he gave in. I don't know what his expectations are of me. Does he expect me to ber her full time care taker or what? I am a stay at home mom and my kids are older. Both my parents are deceased. Mother in law also has a history of alcohol abuse and possibly pain killer abuse. She still drives and is bringing her car. I am so depressed at the thought of living with her. She has no personality and is lazy and won't be any help around the house. I truly feel like she is manipulating my husband . She has another son who she is estraged from. He has written her off. She had a daughter pass away in october, who she had a very difficult relationship with. She actually had a restraining order against the daughter as the time of her death. Mother in law is also walking away from a home she purchased about 5 years ago. The home is worth less than she owes and a realtor said just walk away. So she will have no credit and be unable to rent if she is unhappy here, which I am pretty sure she will be. I don't think my husband sees the responsibiltiy we are taking on.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:56 PM on Apr. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Well that IS his mom and I would be upfront with him and ask what he expects from you. My fil moved in with us a few years ago and oh what a nightmare! I was up front with my dh though and asked what exactly the situation would be. We had ground rules basically, and sat down with fil and laid them out on the table. I think you need to be able to do that with her. It is your home, and whether you get along with her or not isnt relevent. He is the one who is likely to ended up with a strained relationship with her, its hard when older parents move in.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:59 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Ack, I did that last year and I hated EVERY minute of it. My situation was different, but I was so glad to have my house back. I suggest making sure there are guidelines. Your MIL is older than mine (55) so I don't know her abilities. We made sure she knew she had to take care of her own area (room) by vacuuming and taking care of her trash...she was also responsible for her bathroom. She had to help with expenses as well (again, your situation is different), but I couldn't handle her not helping me with groceries, cooking meals, or even washing the dirty dishes. She would go to the store with a friend and come home with bags of candy bars and snacks that she took to her room but never helped out. I hated it. I feel for ya!! I hope hubby understands that this is your house and your life can not stop for her.
    Renee3K

    Answer by Renee3K at 2:00 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Why don't you sit down and right out what your expectations are? Then show that list to your husband and ask for his input--what things he thinks the two of you should add or what should maybe be taken off. Then rewrite the list and make this your contract with his mother. I do not think that you should allow her to move in without first having some kind of agreement about what is expected. She will, in a sense, be a guest in your home, and she should be willing to abide by your house rules. If she's not, then it's a no-go from the start. I can tell you for sure that if this were my home, the dog would not be coming.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:01 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I have no answers but, I wish you the best of luck. It sure isn't easy moving into the part of our lives when we seem to become responisble for everyone old and young.

    Good luck.
    FeelingBlessed

    Answer by FeelingBlessed at 2:02 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • you dh is obviously oblivious to what your future holds. he isn't thinking, he didn't even discuss this with you, apparently. what does he expect of you? i'll tell you, he expects you to do it and not complain about it, and go on about your business like nothing is amiss. he's in denial, hon. afterall, it won't be him at home with his mom, right?
    you need to have a serious sit-down with him, away from the kids and distraction, to iron out all your questions/expectations. from this view, you're the one who'll be dealing with his mom, not him. and that is totally not fair to you or the kids you still have at home.
    he needs to pull his head out of the sand and see things from a reality standpoint.
    his mother may need a pyschiatric/overall-health evaluation, and then, you both can deteremine how to deal with this.
    as far as the dog goes, i wouldn't allow it. if she can't take care of herself, how can she take care of the dog??
    dullscissors

    Answer by dullscissors at 2:02 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Pack a bag and move out .... LOL. Just kidding!! You've been put in a bad situation, and I feel horrible for you. The fact that you are getting no info or support from hubby has got to be maddening!! I would try to have a sit down w/ dh and find out what he's expecting to come of this move, and what he's expecting of you. If he's unwilling to talk about it, then go straight to the source of the stress. Dear mil!! Let her know before she moves in, what your rules and expectations will be. Don't go overboard, but be firm about things are truly important to you. Such as the dog situation. Let her know that you have no prob. w/ her moving in, but that you'll be expecting her to help out as much as she can (don't know how active she is) as far as picking up after herself and meals go. And let her know that she will be moving into YOUR home, and while you welcome her, and will try to make things work, your house, your rules. If the
    HappyEndings

    Answer by HappyEndings at 2:05 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • dog is gonna be a problem w/ your dog, then you need to let her know, that your dog will always come first and that other arrangements may need to be made if the dogs don't get along. If there is no getting out of it, for the sake of your sanity and your relationship w/ your dh, then everyone is gonna have to make sacrifices and compromises. I wish you the best, and feel for you 100%!!
    HappyEndings

    Answer by HappyEndings at 2:07 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I agree with the dog thing the above posted said. Don't let her rearrange your life for you. She has to adjust her life for yours...not the other way around. You are set in your ways, and have every right to lay out how things will go in your own home. If she's similar to my MIL (sounds like she is), if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile! Don't budge with anything or she'll expect you to over everything.
    Renee3K

    Answer by Renee3K at 2:14 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I would sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Its not just his home, its yours too and it will affect you more than him since you will be home more often. Maybe you could look into assisted living facilitys near you and find her with your husbands help.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 2:33 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • GOOD LUCK!
    butterflies78

    Answer by butterflies78 at 12:27 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

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