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At what age to you come "clean" to your children?

My daughter is 13 years old. Her biological father and I have never gotten along - he has come and gone out of her life for her entire life ... she has been raised by my husband for 11 years... over the holidays, he threatened to tell her I was going to put her up for adoption and that I did not want her years ago .... I had my daughter when I was 19 and a junior in college. True, I went to an adoption agency to find out my options. I wanted to continue with my education and make something of myself. I gave up school after he left me and my family disowned me. I had my daughter and after struggling for 2 years with work and school, I got a successful career going. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. I am scared of her thinking she was unwanted... I was scared. Do I talk to her or wait for the roof to blow off????

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:08 PM on Nov. 29, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (20)
  • you could talk to her just make sure that it wasnt that she was unwanted just that u wanted the best life for her.... that is important....when my sister found out she was adopted he felt unwanted untill she met her really mom and they told her that they just wanted the best things in life for her
    Pooky_mommy

    Answer by Pooky_mommy at 5:11 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • At 13, she is old enough that you can sit down and have a talk with her. She does deserve to know the WHOLE story. Was it your husband who threatened to tell her? If so, that is so not his place and I'd have to wonder why he would say something like that. You said your daughter and you are very close, so just sit down and talk with her, and tell her what happened initially and how you came to the decision to keep her.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 5:16 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • I think it's terrible that he's holding that over you. There's no reason to tell her that you considered putting her up for adoption. It will just make her insecure. Tell your husband that he needs to grow up.
    degsyuna

    Answer by degsyuna at 5:18 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • I've never hidden the fact that I tried to put my dd up for adoption when she was born. My h left me and claimed she wasn't his. I already had two. I wanted her to have a good life. I knew I couldn't provide for her what I wanted for her in life.
    I would tell her that he's threatening to tell her something that might be hurtful and you think she should hear it from you. Tell her that you were scared and wanted to relinquish the RESPONSIBILITY of her NOT SHE herself. Tell her that you then decided it was too much for you to bear to be without her and you decided against adoption.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:27 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • My first pregnancy was also "untimely" and I have never ever hidden the fact that it was that way. I never considered adoption, but my daughter knows exactly what happened and how her dad and I were not together when she was born. We married soon after and have been ever since, but she knows it all and its an opportunity for you to explain how things happen and you don't always know what a blessing somethings going to be until it gets here. Shes plenty old enough. THen when you tell her, she will know the truth and he will have nothing to hold over you anymore. She will see him for what he is. A liar.
    momofsaee

    Answer by momofsaee at 5:41 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • Why would he hurt and upset your daughter just to get at you? That is mean.

    I dont think she really needs to know about that unless she asks specifically.

    As long as she knows about both her bio parents and the her real (step) dad) then I dont think she needs to know you were thinking of adoption...unless she asks about it.
    keyaziz

    Answer by keyaziz at 6:22 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • You said yourself what you need to tell her, if you choose to tell her anything: you went to an adoption agency to find out your OPTIONS. That does not mean you were going to give her up. You simply explain that your situation was not ideal, and that you needed to talk to someone to make sure you did what was best for her. You tell her that you did want her, you simply didn't want her to suffer b/c you were unprepared. Then, you explain that her stepdad was going to tell her this, but that he was going to make it sound worse than it was, so you wanted to tell her so that she would know the truth of the situation.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 6:33 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • You should sit her down and talk to her ASAP, because, even if she doesn't say anything, she WILL think about it. There's no telling how twisted her feelings will be the longer you wait to talk about it. So hurry up and talk to her!
    srhmldndo

    Answer by srhmldndo at 6:36 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • Talk to her. One thing i have always done with my boys has been flat out honest with them. They ask, i answer. I have told them that there are some things with me and their father that I will discuss in more detail later as they get older if at that time they want to know.(they are 14 and 10)

    Let her know you were scared but deep in your heart after you allowed everything to be thought thru, you realized that she was more important than anything or doing anything in your life.
    kscmbz

    Answer by kscmbz at 7:07 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

  • I told my son about his bio dad when he was 9 and my husband was dying. He had Autism, and he still took it quite well.
    ColleenF30

    Answer by ColleenF30 at 7:38 PM on Nov. 29, 2008

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