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3 Bumps

Why do I let my daughter at college stress me out?

My daughter has had us on a roller coaster. She went to college - during her first semester she hated it so we arranged a transfer. Loves the school but halfway thru the quarter quit the sport she transferred there to play. I have been availale to her all the time thru multiple texts in a day & phone calls. I work full time at a demading job and have my mom in a nursing home. If I cannot talk to her when she needs something or if I don't say the right thing she then starts on my about "I am not helping her" and "I don't care". If I try toughlove she says "oh thanks for the support" and then I get mad because I feel she is ungrateful. So then she says "i just won't burden you anymore with my problems" and hangs up. I feel like she demands my time all the time and has no respect for my time or what I have on my plate. And I have been here for everything she has gone through with all her changes.

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momvoit

Asked by momvoit at 4:27 PM on Apr. 4, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (15 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • YOure letting her manipulate you. Dont when she plays guilt trips tell her shes being overly dramatic. Tell her you will call her back when youre not so busy.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 4:28 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Don't help her. SHe's an adult, she needs to start taking care of herself. If she doesn't appreciate everything you're doing for her she will once you stop.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:29 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Obviously she sounds like she needs alot more help then she should at this age. Were you always putting out fires for her at home? If so then she is used to calling you with her problems and now is the time to start letting her go. Just dont answer the phone. I know its hard. I have two grown kids and they used to call me more often then not for money, favors etc. Thankfully though I had raised them to deal with their own problems before they left home, so little things they knew better than to waste my time on. Like I said, stop taking her calls. Act busy. You are.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 4:31 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I think that she is testing her limits. Maybe just not feed into it, although I know being a mom you can't just remove yourself from the situation. Maybe next time she is home have a face to face heart to heart and try to make her see that your doing everything you can to make her college experience wonderful. It's a tough situation, shes your daughter an you love her, but it seems she is taking advantage of you. Best of Luck I hope she can see the light!
    firsttimer338

    Answer by firsttimer338 at 4:33 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • The thing is she is a good kid, good student, never any big behavior problems - but I feel like she relies on me too much sometime so yes I probably always put out fires for her but also have tried to teach her how to stand up for herself too. She seems to have alot of anxiety at times but other times does great. I guess I am seeing her grow little by little, but today she was freaking out because her class schedule was not going the way she wanted and she couldn't reach her advisor so she calls me land I just listened and then she said "are you going to say anything to help me?" And I said call your advisor I don't control the classes there. And she got mad and hung up and she texted me that I wasn't supportive and I said she was ungrateful and disrespectful of my time and she just said ok I won't bother you and hung up again. So yes she is manipulative and I need to let go some.

    momvoit

    Comment by momvoit (original poster) at 4:40 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Mom, first time away from home can be stressing for her too, I am sure you understand this, give her advice from a distance chances are she will do what she wants anyway, but needs your input. This is how you will keep the bond you now have.
    older

    Answer by older at 6:27 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Because you love her
    itsmesteph11

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 6:54 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • It isnt possible to always put fires out for someone and teach them how to stand up for themselves, because there is no reason for that person to do so. The next time she calls and manipulates you and says you're not supportive, tell her your support means you know she has the ability to figure out her own solutions and support doesn't mean it's your responsibility to solve all her problems. The next time she tells you she wont bother you with her problems, respond "then DONT-at least not until you can treat me with a little respect. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it, sweetie!" Then YOU hang up!
    purplerobin

    Answer by purplerobin at 12:51 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Thanks for the varied responses. They did help some and I did back off a little and she seemed to calm a little/ problem solve and settle down. She let me know she wasn't coming home the next two weekends (she usually comes home every weekend) and that some friends from home were coming up there. Due to some family issues she is going to come to a family dinner Saturday now but otherwise she said she wanted to do some work there. She is having roommate issues too but I told her to talk to her and figure it out and she is trying on her own to do that. I t hink older's response makes most sense - be there for her but not to the point of taking over for her.
    momvoit

    Comment by momvoit (original poster) at 11:50 AM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • You are the parent. You dictate how much of your time to give her. It sounds easy, but it's not. When she calls or texts, if you have the time, answer, otherwise, but it on the back burner. If she appears ungrateful, she probably is. She's trying to figure out stuff for herself and is asking you for help, but as an adult, it's up to her to figure it out, not you. You need to set the boundaries on your time. Unless it's an emergency, don't answer while at work. Don't go rushing in to save her, allow her to sink or swim. You are a wonderful woman, caring for your mother and child. Allow your daughter to beome so as well. Good luck! : (((hugs!)))

    Droyal14u

    Answer by Droyal14u at 1:38 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

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