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What kind of person does this make me?

So my soon to be ex husband and I were together for 6 years. We have 2 children under 5. Our relationship was rocky from the begining. We were in two different places, and still thought we could work things out. After a while he stopped working, wouldnt babysit the kids, wouldnt take me to dinner or a movie, wouldnt have sex with me, and was on several occasions physically abusive ( I was miserable.. hanging on for my kids). So with out him knowing I found someone else. Someone who didnt want any strings attatched just a sexual relationship. My ex has no clue to this day. Although I had this relationship on the side going on it never seemed to make anything worse. It actually helped me to keep the frusteration level down in our relationship that I had an outlet. It was absoultely nothing other than sex. Later I find out that he has someone on the side as well. I dont know what they did or didnt do which coming from my side I could be angry about. I was just embarrassed because 4 of my neighbors came to me in the same day to tell on him for what they had seen. We have now been apart for 1 year filed for divorce... he refuses to sign the papers, refuses to help with kids at all, refuses to get a job so he cant be ordered to pay child support.

Since my separation I have started to date someone who I have known for a very long time and who has been so good to me. I would never feel that I need an "out let" as before. For some reason I am feeling guilty about my secret all of a sudden. I dont know why.. I am getting a divorce, dont want to be with my ex ever again, it hasnt and wont come up unless I say something. Does this make me a bad person? Why do I feel this way now? He doesnt do anything for me except give me a hard time. I dont understand...

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:43 PM on Apr. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • I think what you're feeling is normal. You are taking a new step in your life, and in order to do it properly, you have to clear the past. If you stay with those things in your mind forever, it wont do any good. You need to tell him, so that you can go on with your life, and dont feel bad anymore. What you did is the right thing. i know its hard but you can do it. good luck

    Answer by kokomaman at 9:52 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Thanks.. I feel guilty, but I the other guy was the only thing that made me feel like somebody like I meant something.. I know thats probably sad I feel like out of all the descisions I have ever made it was good at the moment, and now I feel bad. Makes me wonder if I would have left sooner if I didnt have someone on the side constantly making me feel better about myself.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:57 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • you should feel good about yourself. relationship arent easy and we cannot change the past anyway so.... maybe you would have leave sooner, but you didnt and what happened happened,so no regrets its my philosophie !

    Answer by kokomaman at 11:11 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I think you should do what makes you happy, and what makes your kids happy and safe. Just make sure no matter what you are doing or where you are, your kids are never in any kind of danger.

    Answer by mamabaier at 11:17 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • If you are using his affair as the reason for the divorce, then I could see the guilt. If you are using his affair as emotional blackmail then I'd say that behaviour isn't ethical and is wrong. But if you are not doing those two things, perhaps it's what you didn't put into the relationship that is causing the guilt. Sounds to me you need to forgive yourself. Sometime relationships just end with no major reason at all.

    As to leaving any sooner, doubtful because it didn't happen that way. You needed the boost in self esteem just to say to yourself you deserve better. That affair you had provided that. Until you were ready to let go, you could not have. Please don't second guess yourself now. That is the path to self doubt and low self esteem.

    Answer by isabellalecour at 7:15 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Well, first of all, you can't change what you did now. It's done, and that's all there is to it. Second, while I don't agree with infidelity, I agree even LESS with physical abuse. He had someone too, so it's not as if he was committed or hurt by your choices. What you are feeling is totally normal- you did something you feel is wrong, and you feel guilty. You will get over it. Forgive yourself and move on! You deserve to be happy.

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 11:25 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Thanks. I really appreciate the comments. Helps me think to bounce Ideas or thoughts off other people.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:50 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

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