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2 Bumps

A ? re: death. Are my parents normal?

My brother died 30 years ago when I was a senior in high school. After his funeral and the initial mourning, etc. my parents never really mentioned him again. They did display one photo of him, but it was kinda tucked behind a couple other photos. My dad planted an orange tree in the middle of the backyard in his memory, but that's about it. My sister and I have talked about how my parents never mentioned his name again, never did anything annually to celebrate his life, and certainly never talked about their emotions with us. We're both in our 40's now. My parents are both devoted Catholics.

I understand people deal with grief in different ways. How have other parents dealt with the death of a teenager? What are your thoughts on the way my parents handled this throughout the years? KEEP IN MIND, I'm NOT referring to the initial few years of the normal grieving process, but more of the year in and year out part of life. Please bump. Thanks.

Answer Question
 
zboys

Asked by zboys at 10:53 PM on Apr. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,047 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • As you said, everyone deals with it in their own way. Perhaps the pain is just so much they can't talk about it.
    Why not just bring the subject up and ask?
    mrsvixen

    Answer by mrsvixen at 10:54 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • I can't give any insight on how people deal with the death of a child but it sounds like it just hurt your parents too much to talk about it, which is understandable. I'm sure it's a very hard thing to deal with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • You are right. People grief differently. I don't know if you ever get over the loss of a child. Maybe it's still too painful for them to even say his name out loud. I am trying to imagine if i lost one of my children. I know I will grief for a long time, but outwardly I will not show it, nor will I talk about it with anyone other than my husband. It's probably b/c I know I won't be able to hold it together long enough to even finish the first sentence.
    Olivia4116

    Answer by Olivia4116 at 10:59 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • My husband's Dad did the same thing and drank on top of it. They lost their Mother and a sister. It's NEVER talked about by the father...must have been waaay too painful. So sorry.
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 11:01 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • My husband's sister died 3 years ago. She was 28 and battled cancer for 4 years. They talk about her often and they have many pictures of her hanging in their home. Every year on the day of her death and her birthday my MIL and FIL stay home from work and go do something nice together. But, everyone deals with death differently, although I never have thought the way they grieve was abnormal.
    kaylan010

    Answer by kaylan010 at 11:03 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

  • Along with what the PP's have said, they probably made a concious effort over the years to put aside their grief and focus on making sure their daughters had a happy life and by not discussing it, they were, in their way, sparing you and your sister the feeling of constant grief and loss.
    meriana

    Answer by meriana at 11:05 PM on Apr. 4, 2011

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