Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Im scared. I dont know what to do or say

My ex and I have a VERY VERY horrible parenting relationship. He has not see his kids in almost a year. He has not taken care of my kids since the day they were born (even when we were married) and basically he is a deadbeat dad!

I am re-married now, and pretty happy. We have our issues, but we are trying hard to make our marriage THAT much better. My husband and I decided we want to move back to TN to be near his children. I am soo happy about the possible move, but thats just it, a POSSIBLE move.

I am bound to this state forever, and not allowed to move with out my ex's permission.
He is making my life a living hell calling the cops, so on and so fourth, bc he just wants to start unnecessary drama- Just to get a rise out of me. (He is behind 15,000 on CS) He called the cops on Thursday bc he SUPPOSEDLY had been calling and emailing for the "past two weeks" and couldnt get ahold of me. First of all, it wasnt two weeks, its was more like he called three times, and emailed ONCE.He KNOWS if I dont answer to call my mother. And he didnt call her ONCE!!  I dont see how thats two weeks?? Anyways, I have two incident cases on him, and I think Im taking him to court for harrassment. Anways long story short, he gave me crap for taking my kids on vaca w/o his permission and I left the county. I am supposed to get his permission to take them out of the county, but MY way of thinking is... "If he is not taking care of his children, why should I have to ask him anything? He is NO real father to them anyhow!!'

If he is causing drama bc I took my kids on vaca (and he never even see's them!!) how the heck am I going to get the go ahead to move?

This is how I feel. I love my husband sooo much, and I want him to be happy! I see how incomplete my husband is being far from his children, and it breaks my heart! I dont want him to feel obligated to stay in this state bc of us. I want him to be HAPPY! If that means that I would have to let him go, I am for it. Sure It will break my heart into pieces, but I could move on. I dont want to feel as though he will regret his decision in the long run..... I dont want to break our marriage, but I dont want to destroy the bond he has with his children!

He says he is staying in this state if we DONT get the go ahead from the judge ( I know I am OVER thinking, and should just wait till I get to that bridge, But I cant help myself) but I know his heart is TRULY with his kids... I dont know what to do, feel, or say... I feel so broken... I cant even begin to imagine how hard it is on my husband...

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:49 AM on Apr. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (24)
  • I would say to follow the rules of the order to a 'T'....then when it's time to move, hopefully the judge will grant the permission.

    Answer by Renee3K at 10:51 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • OK How is it that you are legally required to stay in any state? If he dosnt see his kid at all why should it matter to anyone where you move? I say go ahead and move. He has to pay the filing fee's and lawyer and drag you back to court to do anything about it. Once your moved do you really think he will take you to court? He can threaten ALL he wants but if he takes you to court you WILL get a judgement for ALL the back child support.

    Answer by vbruno at 10:53 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • If your husband sees a compromise in this situation, he will make an effort to see his kids when he can and stay with you and not leave because he loves you that much, its not a situation to who he loves the most but its how he will handle the situation and make it work both ways. If he moves, he could have a relationship with somebody else and that isnt fair to you.

    Answer by americansugar80 at 10:58 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • If you are bound by the divorce decree to stay in the state with the kids, then that is what you have to do. To amend this, you need to take it back to court, prove he has nothing to do with the kids & that he is behind in CS (both are considered separate issues). The proper steps need to be taken to protect you & your kids. Just taking it into your own hands (moving w/o notice, etc) will only give him ammunition against you. If you are providing a healthy home environment for your kids with your new DH & looking to better his relationship with his kids, judges generally don't have issues with amending child visitation agreements. Especially when there is a parent who is a "dead beat" as you have described.

    Answer by specialwingz at 11:01 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • @specialwings:: Thank Yo soooo much for the advice!!! I am feeling just a bit better about EVERYTHING... however, if he STILL calls once a week to speak to my children (our children- BLAH- More like Mine. lol) would they consider that him TRYING?
    I have called Child Support, and their usual answer is... (when he sends money, maybe like ONCE out of the year) they consider that as him TRYING to supposr them... Which is UNFAIR to me....
    He is TRULY a deadbeat. He is 37, lives at home with his parents, hasnt had a job since 06, has TONS of lawsuits (which I just learned about this year) and has not filed taxes in 6 yrs! All in all.. he is pretty horrendous!
    He also had his license suspended bc of CS.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:06 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Hmmm, my sister in Washington state has in her visitation orders, that she as the custodial parent is only required to give 30 day notice to her DS father for an out of state move. He pays child support, but couldn't care less how often he sees DS. I know that probably doesn't help, but as specialwingz said you can get the order you have amended. GL mama.

    Answer by yesmaam at 11:09 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • I don't think you should keep him away from your kids just because he's a deadbeat or doesn't pay support. Those are his kids and he has every right to speak with them (and see them if he ever decides to).

    Answer by Renee3K at 11:10 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • @RENEE- You have NO idea what you are talking about! I DONT keep his kids from him! I drove THREE hours out of my way to his twon so he could see his children, because like ALWAYS- He has no money for gas! Thats me keeping the kids from him... right?? My door is opened for him to see his children! Thats the WHOLE fight I have with him! He will NOT step in and parent!!! He is a DEADBEAT! My kids dont even know who he is anymore!! NOT MY FAULT!

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:13 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • @RENEE- And not to mention.. it wasnt just once I drove out to him, but SIX times! I call him tell him Im in town, and he NEVER once arranges to come see them....

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:14 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Um,, why are you freaking out at me? I was just commenting on his calling once a week to talk to the kids. No need to go all crazy.

    Answer by Renee3K at 11:15 AM on Apr. 5, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.