Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

Could I have Done Something?

My 18 year old step-brother commited suicide last year. He hung himself. I noticed he had changed. He wasn't acting normal, and his grades were slipping ( for a high honor roll student) He came to me and said he was feeling really down lately about a girl, an he was going to his bedroom to lay down. My mother asked me to go get him for supper, and thats when I found him.

I had completely ignored his pleads for help. In his suicide note it said "No one understand... better yet, no one cares..." I had found out that he had heard that the girl he LOVED had cheated on him, and nasty rumors were going around the school about him. I heard the rumors, but I thought it was a joke. Now as his one year anivsiry is coming around, I cant stop thinking about what went thru my head when I found him. Or all the things I heard about him.... I never did anything...

Could I have...??

Answer Question

Asked by GraciesMommy464 at 8:39 PM on Apr. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Level 10 (469 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • how could you have known. I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

    Answer by bdflykisses at 8:42 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • I am sorry for your loss.

    Answer by meooma at 8:42 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • I think what really matters is that had you any idea how serious things were you would have done something. He was wrong that no one cared, it was just that no one knew how badly he was hurting. We all go thru heart break but most of us don't get to the point that we are suicidal. If he had told you that he was thinking of suicide I am sure you would have reacted in an effort to help him. It's terrible that you have to live on with all of these questions and what-if's but you did your best at the time. It's always easy to see things after the fact and I am sure your parents and his other family and friends all feel the same way, but you don't deserve to live in guilt. Do you blame your mother or father or his other friends for not noticing this? If you don't blame them then you shouldn't blame yourself, honey. Hugs to you and a prayer that your brother is resting in peace, and that you can have some peace yourself, too.

    Answer by MaryMW at 8:44 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • you shouldnt beat your self up about this sometimes we dont see these things until its too late and really dont understand what a cry for help is i am so sorry for your loss

    Answer by amberpaiz at 8:45 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Oh, honey . . . . hugs. It is soooo hard when a loved one suicides. You are experiencing something called "survivor's guilt". It always happens when someone suicides. Everyone goes back over all of the details, signs, missed opportunities, and feels guilty about "what could have been." The thing is, there is nothing you could have done to stop it. If you had known what was going to happen, you would have done something. But there was no way for you to have predicted this! There was no way. He felt helpless. That is what led him to say all of those things . . . but,. when someone feels helpless, that is how they see the world. They blind themselves to all of their loved ones. they turn down help. They can't reach out for the hand that are reaching to help them up. It has nothing to do with your love or support. It was his illness and his sorrow that took him there. Please, find peace with yourself.


    Answer by ImaginationMama at 8:46 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Please don't blame yourself, there wasn't anything you could do to change things... He had made up his mind long before he came to you... I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 8:46 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Look you really need to stop beating yourself up. You played no role in this boy's death. His mind just wasn't strong enough to deal with a breakup. There is "NOTHING" anyone can do when an individual makes up their mind to end their life. Individuals left behind by the suicide of a loved one tend to experience complicated grief in reaction to that loss. Symptoms of grief that may be experienced by suicide survivors include intense emotion and longings for the deceased, severely intrusive thoughts about the lost loved one, extreme feelings of isolation and emptiness, avoiding doing things that bring back memories of the departed, new or worsened sleeping problems, and having no interest in activities that the sufferer used to enjoy. You need to stop blaming youself before you push yourself into a depression. He's gone now. Just remember all the good times you to had together.

    Answer by ambr2006 at 8:47 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • hugs


    Answer by lowencope at 8:47 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • tbh no you could not have help when your that depressed you cant see the way out of it and nothing anyone will say will help you just dont want to live with the pain anymore  . they could have gave him drugs but even doctors who are trained in thing like this miss it most of the time how could you have known . I'm sorry it must have been really hard but its no one fault


    Answer by feralkitten at 8:49 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • You can't beat yourself up over this. That is easier said then done I know. But sometimes no matter what you do you can't stop them. 6 months before my Dad committed suicide(oct 2009) a family friend committed suicied. That friends 17 year old daughter found her after she had od on meds. She was able to get her help and saved her life a week later her mom jumped off a bridge after being released from the hospital.
    The weekend my Dad committed suicide my daughter and I were supposed to visit my parents but our plans changed. A part of me is so thankful that my daughter did not have to experience that trauma but there is another part of me that wishs I had been there, that wonders if I could have done something to stop him. My Dad had shown no signs whatsoever. Find a way to honer your brother, allow yourself to grieve. When we hit the one year mark for my Dad we decided to do something special for my daughters

    Answer by KyliesMom5 at 8:49 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.