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Why don't adoption agencies tell birth moms the truth?

Why don't agencies tell birth moms that it is a commonly accepted practice for APs to change the name of the adopted baby, unless the birth mom tells the APs they can't?

It's not fair to say nothing and let the birth mom be surprised at reunion. Are the agencies just lazy or is it something else?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:30 PM on Apr. 5, 2011 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • why? because they can. they don't do it because they can.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:05 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • ??? The adoptive parents changed my child's name, no one told me they could or would, but I figured they would and I was fine with it. It's like when you have your own child, you name it, they're "having" a child through adoption and giving said child a name they picked out. I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing a big deal there, it's normal. I know quite a few people who have or are adopted, and none have the same name they were given by their birthmom.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:29 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • I knew my son's parents were going to change his name, mainly because we talked about it. I still named him though, on his OBC it has the name I gave him, on the new birth certificate it has his given name that his aparents chose.
    Adoption agencies ommit a lot of things, and don't tell the truth to both birth mothers and adoptive parents...they want the baby from the expectant mother and the money from potential adoptive parents, I doubt that very many agencies actually do it because they truly care; if they did it wouldn't be so expensive and nothing would be ommitted. If they were really honest I think many people would have second thoughts regarding some of their choices; not that they wouldn't still go through with their plans but they would have more knowledge to make better decisions.
    Of course I'm speaking of domestic infant adoption not foster care or international - as they each are different.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:48 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Not telling someone something IS the same as lying. It's called "lying by omission". The thing is, with adoption, if you don't know what to ask they don't volunteer a lot. If you'd ask about the name thing they would have told you that it is common for the adoptive parents to change the child's name. But if you assume they will keep the name & don't ask then you wouldn't know that. It's like any kind of business. They spin it to make it as attractive as possible to potential "clients". They aren't going to tell a woman anything that might make adoption seem like a less appealing option. That's why you hear so much about open adoptions being the "norm" now (even though they are still NOT legally enforceable & can be closed at any time at the adoptive parents choice). They won't tell you that part because that makes adoption seem less of a good idea to some women. Whatever closes the "deal"!

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:02 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Many adoption agencies tell expectant moms whatever they think they want or need to hear to make sure they get the babies. Sad, but true. If moms were told the truth about this issue and many others, they might change their minds. I do not think agencies are lazy, but very crafty, and clever. They emphasize mainly positive aspects of adoption, and do not feel obligated to tell expectant moms the whole truth.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:16 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Just for the record, after an adoption is final, adoptive parents can legally change names, move out of the country and have complete control over what happens with a child. Birth parents have NO rights after an adoption is legal. A birth mother can ask the aparents not to change the child's name, but, legally they can.

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:20 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • The APs can change the child's name even if the BPs don't want them to. A parent (no matter adopted or birth) should be able to choose their child's name. My son's name was changed when our adoption went through.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:56 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • We were told of adoption ettiquet. And strongly encouraged to follow it. We agreed the birth parent could give a first name and we would choose a middle name. But we do call our child by his middle name. He is told his birth mother picked his first name, the reason why she picked it as she told us, and that it was one of several gifts she gave him. We stress gigging him a name was because she loved him and wanted him to know she gave him his name. And even now I ask him what he wants to be called and let him know it is his decision what he wants people to call him. He also knows tge Nick name for his first name his first mom uses. I often will call him that as a way to keep up that small piece. It is small but not. I look at iras a way to be connected even if he has not much else right now. No matter mypersonal thoughts on his birth mother it doesn't take away from him and his idea about her connection to him.

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:32 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Even if the mother tells the AP's they can't change the babies name, they still can. Once the papers are signed the birth mother has NO legal rights. none.
    However, to answer your question "why don't adoption agencies tell birth moms the truth?, because if expectant moms knew the truth about being a birth mom; that open adoptions aren't legally enforceable and can be closed by the APs at will, that you don't get over, the pain doesn't get easier it gets worse, that babies aren't "blank slates" and will be harmed by being separated from their mothers, etc., the expectant mom would never agree to it and the adoption industry would be out of business. Plain and Simple.

    BTW Your question should read "why don't they tell "expectant moms" the truth. Before the adoption is finalized she's just a plain old expectant mom the same as any other with the same rights.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:16 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • I would have thought it was common knowledge. I've actually seen it go the other way. A birth mom I knew gave her baby a dopey name assuming that the adoptive family would change it anyway. The adoptive family thought it was cute and kept it even though I'm quite cetain it is a burden to this child to this day.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:41 PM on Apr. 6, 2011