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2 Bumps

How to I tell him to grow up?

I'm finally realizing my SO just isn't maturing like he "should" be and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. It's been 7 years and we have 1 child. Without getting into details, I want to simply tell him to grow up because I need a real man but I don't want him to think I'm putting him down or telling him I don't like who he is and I'm afraid he'll just get defensive or be hurt.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:54 PM on Apr. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • Time to not worry about that if its been 7 yrs. i would talk to him & tell him exactly your feelings no point in hiding them whats that going to get you? Maybe you are growing apart or starting to realize things ore now that you want something more? Idk but i would for sure tell him gently & don't hold back.
    sarasmommy777

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 9:57 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • *more
    sarasmommy777

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 9:58 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Best bet for you, so he doesn' t feel like you're putting him down is 1.don't use "you always" or "you never" that just puts someone on the defensive. 3.try to use I statements, such as "I feel frustrated that I can't expect you to do/say/act xyz"
    7 years and 1 kid is a big committment, but I'm sure it's come up in previous arguments and he won't be blindsided. I've been with DH for almost 8 years, we were married after having DD and it's not so much an immaturity thing but an initiative thing with him and I had a miserable first year or two of marriage, I felt horrible but I wanted to leave and any time I tried to address things I felt I wasn't being heard. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he refused, i was getting desperate. Anyhow, good luck! Hope things get better!
    LoveBuggsMommie

    Answer by LoveBuggsMommie at 9:59 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Start by dropping hint or giving a gentle nudge. i.e.: say its b/c he won't get a job mention that you saw a couple of promising openings in the classifieds he should check out, or mention that some extra income would be nice and has he found anything that he thinks he might want to do work wise. Also you could try just having a sit down with him. Tell him point blank how you're feeling and that even though you love who his is his behavior in this area needs to change. As the quote goes for men subtle hints do not work, obvious hints do not work, if you want them to know something you have to say it in as few short words as possible because they are simple creatures with short attention spans :) I would try the hints first still
    Skipo510

    Answer by Skipo510 at 10:02 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • LoveBuggsMommie how did things finally get better?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:03 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Tough one. Telling him to grow up will not work. He has to realize it on his own. Have you considered counseling so you can learn to communicate with him better? If he is open to counseling, he's a keeper and it's worth the effort. If he's not, well, it might be hard to make it work long term, but you have to try since you have a child.

    Wait until the baby is napping. Sit him down and face him. Be as gentle as you can, tell him how his behavior makes you feel. Stick to "I statements" such as "I feel hurt when you..." The more vulnerable and non-judgemental you can be when you talk to him, the better. Tell him you love him and want the relationship to work but you need to see some changes in his behavior to be happy.

    Don't threaten, but if the behavior continues you might have to set a boundary. If it comes to this, contact me and I'll tell you how.
    RobotLady

    Answer by RobotLady at 10:04 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • I would be a little worried that he is still not mature. The only thing I can say is do not attack him because he will get defensive and that would just lead to a big fight.
    jnb71584

    Answer by jnb71584 at 10:08 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • I only know how to say things straight up...tell him to grow up. You may have to teach him if he hasn't learned it by now
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:32 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

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