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2 Bumps

Resenting My Husband!

I need help ladies! I am starting to resent my husband and I dont want to feel this way. I know he is under a lot of pain and stuff. He has epilepsi, just diagnosed with hit in July. I have been at his side the whole time, takeing care of everything. Money, bills, dr appts, kids, kids appt, ect. He cant handle a lot of stress so I am left to deal with my feelings on my own. I feel like I dont have anyone to talk to, because when I do people think I am being mean. They tell me all the time to think about him and how he feels, and think about what he is going through. No one ever considers what I go through. He is moody, he is mean, he says things just to be nasty, and when I tell him he acts like he is just so innocent. I know about his pains (he has other problems then his epilepsy) he was in an accident 10 years ago, and still has problems. What can I do to not resent him. He has gained a lot of weight because of the meds, and I dont like it. I need help. Good ideas on what to do just to like him again. I LOVE him, I really do but I dont like him much. He sits in the bedroom all day, either folding laundry or playing playstation. He cant walk well so he dosnt excercise. I just need to stop resenting him. He dosnt even come into the living room to sit with me. I know why I am resenting him. I know he has problems and I know its hard on him. Its also hard on ME! So if you have any advice Id love to hear it. Sex suggestions wont work, there are some issues there with his medicins and such so its not an option. Which right now is fine cuz I just dont have the sex drive. Thanks in advance!

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Ambear72

Asked by Ambear72 at 11:50 PM on Apr. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Level 13 (1,083 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Oh bummer, I'm sorry to hear this. He might be lashing out a bit because he's so disappointed and freaked out by his diagnosis that he doesn't know how to handle it. He probably resents that and sadly you are the person who gets the brunt of it. I would ask a doctor what kinds of exercise he can try to do while being really mellow...what is appropriate? Then I'd talk to someone (professional) and tell them you're annoyed by all of this and where do you put all these feelings? I would think it's okay to sit him down and tell him you're suffering too but that you also don't know how to yet handle this predicament. Tell him you're trying to support him and together you'll find answers that will help him be more mobile and you'll learn how to cope but that you TOO, need some support from him. His bitterness is a cancer for you and it's not appreciated. IDK but I wish you luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 PM on Apr. 5, 2011

  • Its hard not to resent someone who is making you feel tied down. My husband lost his job three years ago and at the begining, I too felt resent towards him and I too felt like running away. To top it off we have two disabled children. Overnight, I became the head of household and believe me, it is tough. I was rude, i would work late just so that i did not have to listen to my children's constant screaming (i might have had post partem) anyway, with time I accepted my new life and the recentment slowly faded away. My point is, give this some time. Ofcourse he is frustrated too. Like the first response, i agree that he is lashing out of fear and you are there to pick up the pieces. People with epilepsy learn to accept their disability and often their seizures are controlled through medication. Give it some time.
    alejandra559

    Answer by alejandra559 at 12:19 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • I'm so sorry that you both are going through such a difficult time. It's hard to be married to a man that doesn't even resemble the one that you married. I wish I had some magic words that would fix this for you, but no such luck. I'm sure that this was not how he thought his life would be but, he needs to realize that this wasn't your dream for your future either. I think that counseling would be very important for both of you. If he won't go with you, then you need to go for your own sanity. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel. You mourn the future you've lost and move on to living (and loving) this new version of the man you married. Good luck!

    jspencer1014

    Answer by jspencer1014 at 12:32 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • It sounds like all he is doing is wanting everybody to feel sorry for him. But life still goes on.Most people with epilepsy are on medications to help keep it under control. About the pain, is he taking anything for it? He needs to realize that life still goes on. Is it possible he can take physical therapy to help him with his physical problems? I bet if it were the other way around that he would expect you to still do what you are doing now. You and your kids still need him. He needs to know that. Sitting around isn't going to do them any good. He's still their father. Talk to his doctor and see if they can recommend something. I hope things get better for you.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:34 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • I can understand why you would be at your wits end and maybe what you need to do is find out information on adult fostercare/group homes and confront him tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and dragging everyone down with him or you will consider putting him into a group home type place. he needs to be told how you feel and what you will not put up with anymore. Do not coddle him or he will just keeping running your emotions thin. I used to work in adult fostercare and it did not matter what the client was there for they were still told what was acceptable behavior and what was not. just because he has an illness is no reason to put up with abuse.
    alotleft2do

    Answer by alotleft2do at 2:06 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • your post was one I needed to hear today. I've got a lot of medical problems myself with a great deal of pain. Is he avoiding sitting in the same room with you because you don't like the way he acts? what else do you suggest he do?

    my suggestion is that you look into support groups for spouses of people with this condition. I'm sure there's other spouses out there that resent what they have to deal with. I'm mad at my husband because he snapped at me yesterday over a situation that has resulted from my medical problems. I need to remind myself that it's hard on him too. we've agreed for me to try to understand what's hard for him while I have to ask him to remember that there are some days where I just can't be nice. Like now, I have a injury that is barking at me so bad. when that kind of pain starts I just can't be nice. So I warn him, and he does his thing and I do mine
    cont-

    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 9:50 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • cont-

    your husband is probably playing those games because it gets the mind off the pain, that's what I do sometimes too.

    I can suggest this, you mentioned that he's not exercising since he can't walk well. He doesn't have to! there's a richard simmons dvd that you do when you are sitting. how about a aqua aerobics class? that works well for me! and how about biking? I can't always walk well, but I can ride a bike.

    I know you are frustrated, but I think the best thing you can do is try to help your husband to help himself, he should do all he can to get some exercise, it's done me a world of good! But in the meantime, do what you can to get away and have fun too! the more relaxed you are, but more patient you can be with him.

    try a aqua aerobics class together, or maybe get a couple of bikes. go fly a kite, play on some swings. Sometimes even doing things that sound silly can help!
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 9:56 AM on Apr. 6, 2011

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