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How can I get my husband to understand that I have emotional needs, not just physical needs?

My husband and I have been together for a little over four years now. We have been married for a year and a half. The relationship hasn't always been perfect, but it has been very good. We always have had a vibrant, spontaneous sex life, but he has never made an effort to make me feel emotionally secure. I haven't had a bad life, but I'm one of the girls that had "daddy issues". My dad left when I was very little, and I was raised by my stepdad (dad) who became emotionally abusive when I was about 12. My biological father didn't have much to do with my brother and I when we were little, so we ended up not seeing him at all by the time I was 7. During the times I did see him he was locking me out of his house to watch porn, and do whatever he wanted. By the time I was 17 my dad (stepdad) was physically abusive (as in hitting me in my face). This left me emotionally scared of men. My husband is 13 years older than me, has already had a failed marriage that he didn't want to be in in the first place, and I try really hard to make him happy, but sometimes he is mentally abusive, and I don't understand why he never wants to make me feel secure mentally. Is there anyone else who has had a similar string of events, and if so, what do u do to keep your sanity and have relationships based on being able to communicate?

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Mrs.KS

Asked by Mrs.KS at 7:38 PM on Apr. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Level 4 (37 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • Alot of men find it hard to emotionally relate to us women. We can't look to them for strength we need to find it in ourselves. I go thru the same thing at times.....I want my husband to call me when he gets off work - he calls his brother. I want him to tell me his plans or desired plans for the weekend - he tells his brother. I find alot of things out second hand and it really hurts. But I have found that finding joy in something I can do myself or FOR myself creates my own security. Good luck honey - hugs
    brypmom

    Answer by brypmom at 8:17 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • If you work on being more independent, perhaps he will pursue you. That might balance the relationship out, making you feel more emotionally secure in it.
    CoffeeWriter

    Answer by CoffeeWriter at 8:40 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Thank you! I'm trying to learn to be more independent. It has seemed hard because as soon as I graduated from high school, my parents told me to pack my stuff and they dropped me off with him. He has taken care of me, but I began to feel kinda like a hassle for him. He does a lot of great things for me, and I appreciate it, but maybe it is time for me to prove that I can be more independent like I thought I used to be. It does seem like he wanted me a lot more then.
    Mrs.KS

    Comment by Mrs.KS (original poster) at 9:53 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • My ex was like that. I now realized that he liked the "power" of knowing I didn't feel emotionally secure and that I relied on him for everything including for myself worth. I say quit bringing it up for a bit. Make him second guess what he's doing in your marriage. I know games isn't the way to go, but obviously, communication isn't either. Most of the time, men need a taste of their own medicine to realize what they are doing & how it feels. Go fix yourself up. Start doing your hair & make up every day. Work on yourself. He will soon realize he needs to change because you are worth something & you CAN & WILL find someone else. Someone BETTER! My ex told me that he didn't think that I would ever find anyone that would treat me better bc he thought he treated me like gold until I left him than he realized how horrible he actually treated me.
    loudnproud87

    Answer by loudnproud87 at 11:53 PM on Apr. 6, 2011

  • Wow... I'm sorry u had to go through that. I don't have issues that are to the extreme with my husband, and I don't think he is just being mean. Maybe he doesn't really understand, and maybe he really isn't the type to show emotions. I don't mind not showing emotions but would love it if he would acknowledge mine. When we met, he promised that he would be my shoulder to cry on if need be, but he never has proven that. He has, instead, made me cry. So, I believe I will dress myself up and see what happens.
    Mrs.KS

    Comment by Mrs.KS (original poster) at 1:17 AM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • I am going through something similar and have made an appointment with a counselor for both of us (assuming he will not back out). He is also verbally abusive and I guess it never really got to me as bad as it does now that I have a LO to protect. He is a good person underneath but growing up with a completely emotionless mother scarred him I think and he never learned HOW to communicate correctly. He has major trouble discussing his feeling on even simple issues and would rather name call to avoid opening up....it got old. I wish you luck and counseling might help you also.
    siren77

    Answer by siren77 at 1:31 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

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