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2 Bumps

When the time comes, how do I handle this?(LONG)

I have a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I met my husband when she was 6 months old, he proposed another 6 months later and we got married a year later and we've been together ever since and my husband is her father, he's been there for everything and they have an imaginable bond, it's beautiful. I just recently had my 2nd child which makes me think about the future because I plan on talking to my daughter and telling her the truth about her dad and her biological father.

Her bio father and I were already broken up at the end of my pregnancy, I was 16 and dumb when I met him and after I became pregnant I grew up and handled the situation and removed myself from him. He only saw her twice because I thought he might want to be involved but that's gonna be 5 years ago soon and I haven't heard from him since. My daughter has my maiden last name, I never asked for child support, and I never put his name down on anything, not even the birth certificate...so legally the only one who knows he is the father is me. He's not a good guy, he has multiple children with different women, and a very long record, but of course being 16 I thought bad guys were cool.

So my question is how to I handle telling her, when the times comes, that her dad is not biologically her dad? I think about this a lot, and I fear her hating me. In my mind I planned on having a few family members there to tell her that nothing changes, that they love her and they always will. What would you do?

*on a side not, no bashing please. Just because a man is someone's father biologically DOES NOT mean they have any rights whatsoever. "Owning a piano doesn't make you a pianist" Plus I left my door open for him to grow up and be a man but he didn't, the only two times he saw her were because I made it happen, not him. He wasn't interested period.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:16 PM on Apr. 7, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • You simply tell her the truth. Exactly as you've written it here. You sound pretty sensible now; if she grows up with that same sensibility she'll just shrug it off and thank you for telling her the truth. Blood is merely a liquid; it means nothing.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:20 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • Handle it with complete Honesty.
    Kimedbs

    Answer by Kimedbs at 2:20 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • Just tell her the truth. She will understand.
    KateShesGreat3

    Answer by KateShesGreat3 at 2:26 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • i agree with the first two responses on here to a degree i whole heartedly agree that you should tell her the truth and nothing but that but i think that it might be the wrong age to this and i could be wrong about this completely i just think it's gonna open up a whole slew of new questions that you might not be ready to answer just yet and get a little confusing for her to understand at that age. i commend you for wanting to be up front and honest about it. My adoptive parents lied to me about my parents and the backlash was just to horrible to mention on here. ( iam 31 and still dealing with it) i just think 4 might not be the best time for her to grasp certain things that you want to convey to her right now and you have a great thing going with your hubby and her. So i guess my advice is wait a little longer til she is mature enough to handle all the news. i hope that helps
    amberpaiz

    Answer by amberpaiz at 2:29 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • You'll want to bring this up before she starts to school and realizes that there is a reason she doesn't have the same last name as her Dad (your husband). You don't want this to pop up and surprise and confuse her. Also, bring it up often enough that she remembers it - I don't mean you have to talk about it all the time, but make sure she really does understand it and feels like she can ask you questions about it. I went through something similar with my oldest daughter, and when she stopped asking questions I was relieved and stopped talking about it. I thought we were done with it, but what I didn't realize is she had forgotten about it, which turned out not to be such a good thing. One of her friends told her that her dad (my husband) must be her step-dad because they didn't have the same last name. This was really hurtful and confusing for her. We've dealt with it and she is ok, but it didn't have to happen. GL!

    TweenAndTwinMom

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 2:30 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • Just tell her the truth outright. (Btw...i'm cracking up about the piano statement)
    VintageWife

    Answer by VintageWife at 2:31 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • She is in school already and she already knows her last name, my maiden name, and I wasn't planning on talking to her now she is too young still but in a few years. Thanks so much for all the responses, they've all been great and it puts me at ease so much!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:37 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • I think you tell her all of the info above but gradually over the years as she comes to you or as it comes up in conversation or daily life. Like she doesn't need to know now that her bio dad has a ton of other kids all around town, you know. Maybe you use old pictures to show her when she was a baby, and then this is when you met Daddy who is your Daddy now, and somehow lead into this is her first Daddy. When she eventually asks why he didn't stay or isn't involved I would keep it simple that he was too young to be a Daddy or that he loved her but didn't know how to be a father. When she is old enough I think you can tell her more information and eventually you should give her his name, maybe when she is 18. I do think she has a right to know, but I also think you have a right to protect her as long as you can. But if you don't at least start with the subject really soon you risk it coming out in a bad way or being traumatic.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 2:43 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • I agree that honesty is the best answer here. but if he has no rights and she has ur name then why cant ur husband her (father by loving and caring for her) adopt her and give her his name? sorry if i stepped over the line but then she would know that she really does have a dad who loves and will protect her.
    brooklyndm

    Answer by brooklyndm at 2:51 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • We have thought about this, many times, but I am scared that if we start that process the court will look for her biological dad and find him and he will out of the blue demand his "rights" (That's kinda the type of jerk he is) Like I said before paper-wise he does not exist in her life but if they test her DNA, and since he is in the system, he will not be hard to find. So by her keeping my name she is protected.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:55 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

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