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Do i let my son father see our son after he told me he never wanted anything to do with us?

My sons father about a month before our son was born told me(in an email no less) that he was not ready to be a dad and that he did not want to help me with the baby. So i mived on with my life and raised my son with the help of my loving family that i am very greatful to have. When our son was about 4 or 5 months old my ex called me and said that he wanted to see him and he was sorry. I drove to the next town to meet him in the mall and he never showed. then a few months after that he said he would go to my house to visit, which he never showed. and now our son is 17 months old and i am engaged to another man who i love and who loves my son like his own. my ex contacted my mother of all people on facebook and told her that he was depressed and he knew what he did in the past was wrong and he still wants to see his son. I am not sure what to do. my friends and some of my family has told me that i should not let him see my son ever, but my mother says that i cannot be that cruel and should let him see his son. my fiance told me that he would leave me if i let my sons father see him because he has ben his father and he sees him as his son and he does not want his real father to ever hurt him or me. Part of me wants to let him see his son but the other half( am much bigger half) wants me to let him be upset like i have ben in the past and never let him see his son. does anyone have advice on what i should do? Please?

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confused1991

Asked by confused1991 at 4:14 PM on Apr. 7, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 4 (40 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • When my son was 2 I broke up with his father. My ex said, "If I can't have you I don't want him (son) either." So for many years my son had no dad. But when the a*hole finally wanted to see his kid 5 yrs later I let him. Biggest mistake EVER! He saw him once then broke his heart by disappearing again.
    Make sure this man truly wants to be a steady figure in your child's life.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 4:16 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • in my opinion he has a right to see his son only if he wishes but do it on your terms not his but that is a very bad thing to say and i would ask for an apology and if he dont give you one well thats your decision from there
    mommy2be867

    Answer by mommy2be867 at 4:19 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • I think I would tell him if he wants to see him at this point to go get a visitation order. How about you getting a child support order. Whether he sees the child or not he needs to pay support. It would be better for your child if he was allowed to have at least supervised contact. He's jerked you around a lot though. I wouldn't play with the emotions. I would get to court and arrange both support and visitation. If doesn't want to do that then he needs to sign over hos parental rights.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 4:19 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • tell him you'll see him in court after he sues you for visitation
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 4:19 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • It isnt really about you or your ex. It is about what is best for your son. Is your ex dangerous or a risk? If no then you can consider having him in your sons life. Someday your son is going to ask questions. If he meets his dad when he is 18 and his bio dad says that you kept him away your son may resent you for that. You fiance shouldnt say he is going to leave. Im sure he feels insecure about bio dad being in his son's life but your son has the ablity to love both. Maybe you can talk to ex and explain that you have moved on and if he sees his son then he will be know by his first name because you are getting married and your fiance has acted as the dad. When your son gets older you can explain who everyone is. What about your sons aunts, uncles and grandparents? If they are at all decent people they have a right to know their family member as well. Im sure your ex doesnt deserve this second chance...but your son does.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 4:21 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • fall back an leave the desion up to your son when he gets older.
    queeny2

    Answer by queeny2 at 4:21 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • Just my 2 cents but I wouldnt get a court order. Then you have to fight for supervision. Wha if you say ok..and then just meet him at McDonalds play area or chuck e cheese. He can see his son, you can be there and it will be less traumatic. If he wants to make it a more reg. thing then tell him you want to set up visitation and child support. The first few times let the bio dad contact you and meet him somewhere then if he disappears again then you can just go on with your life.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 4:24 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • thanks everyone for ur thoughts so far. it has let me see my situation from another persons eyes that are not close to the situation like my family and friends are. they saw how upset i was and resented my sons father because of it. its refreshing to hav an outside opinion.
    confused1991

    Comment by confused1991 (original poster) at 4:31 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • I totally agree with Ria. If you let your son see his father I think you do it for your son, not for your ex. And I don't think you introduce him as Daddy or let the two of them go off together, but you don't want to ever have to tell your son that you kept his father away unless there is danger or threats to safety involved. I understand your fiance has a hard time with this but I think he needs to think it thru. This is your history and it's not going away, he can love the child as a father but he can't just ignore that your ex exists and has to be dealt with as well. What if your ex got a court order, would your fiance still leave you? Your son will still know your fiance as his father figure and can even call him Daddy, your ex isn't just goint to swoop in and take over. If your son got hurt and he was sitting there with your ex and your fiance who do you think he would go to? That's what matters. Good luck!
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:53 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

  • I would let him see your child. If he doesn't show up this time then work to have his rights severed. Your current guy needs to get over himself this isn't about him it is about your child. If the father has changed then you wouldn't want to cheat your son of having another person to love him.

    My ex left me when I was pregnant he didn't speak to me or my child for three years. He contacted me on our childs birthday and told me he wanted to see him. I told him to prove it by paying his support. He said he had already mailed the payment and would send me double until he paid all the back support. After three months of recieving child support I set up supervised visits. He showed up to every single one and I could tell during those visits he had changed. We share custody of our child now and I am very glad I let him back in. Was hard but it wasn't about me it is about my child. People can change.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:14 PM on Apr. 7, 2011

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