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2 Bumps

Sexual Fetishes **Not for the squeamish, or those who are quick to pass judgement... I really need some advice. adult content

I'm 25 and I have the sex drive of a rabbit. I know that can be hard for DH to deal with sometimes which is why I have a chest full of toys. He would rather that than for me to become unsatisfied with our sex life and cheat. I understand that completely.

Earlier on in our relationship dh has the typical male fantasies ( FFM), semi-public sex (in the car). And a few that arent so typical (i,e salad tossing).

I indulged in a few of Dh's fantasies because I KNOW that most people only THINK they want that actually live it out is something different.

Over the past year or 2 dh's fantasies have kind of tapered off...mind however have REALLY taken off.

One of my fantasies is Domme/Sub play. Truth is I have no control (or so I feel) in my day to day life. In most aspects I am pretty submissive.

But I have this fantasy of being in control. I've read up on this. I feel its something I REALLY want to try out.

I talked to dh about it and he doesn't even really listen. Just shots me down. I told him that I don't mind doing the role play with someone else (male or female) with him in the same room of course.

He then goes on to tell me that it is sick and he won't entertain the idea.

He sends me these mixed messages and I swear I feel like a kid sometimes. He tells me I can tell him anything. That he's my best friend. That I HAVE to tell him these things so he can help me with it.

But he doesn't help. Anytime I've ever told him about a fantasy he judges me. Deems me sick. But HIS fantasies are RIGHT.

I love my husband but I don't see how it's fair to me to stay in a marriage where only one party is heard. I feel like if I stay in this marriage i'll be forced to lie about how I feel in the bedroom.

Am I wrong to feel lost in this situation? Is it wrong to want to explore?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:07 AM on Apr. 8, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (5)
  • You are right in saying that your relationship must be give and take at both ends. It's not unusual for guys to be squeamish over the idea of female dominance in a sexual manner. Perhaps you can try to get him into the idea by showing him some sexy images or video of a female in a situation of sexual dominance, he may change his mind when he sees how it can be fun for you both. Or, try little things during intercourse that give you an edge over him, and slowly get his used to or even liking the idea of you with more power. If these don't seem to do the trick, I suggest seeking help from a professional marriage/sexual counselor , everyone needs help sometimes. Do what you need to make yourself fulfilled.

    Answer by EdwinsMommy at 1:15 AM on Apr. 8, 2011

  • It is important to be able to discuss sexual fetishes and fantasies with a significant other.

    It is important to be able to explore these fetishes and fantasies together.

    It is also important to respect one another's boundaries and respect when they say, "No, I'm not comfortable with that."

    If he isn't comfortable acting out a dom/sub fantasy (let alone watching you act it out with someone else), then you have to respect that.

    However, there seems to be a deeper issue at work here, something outside the bedroom. You say you are submissive in most arenas and he treats you like a child. I can't give you advice on that, but I can suggest that you sit down and discuss this issue together, or seek counseling.

    Answer by Mousuke at 1:20 AM on Apr. 8, 2011

  • I don't think that you are wrong, we can't help sexual urges and stuff like that. I don't think we can always share everything with our partners, even if we really want to we can't expect them to be 100% accepting all of the time. I REALLY want to have sex with more than one guy at once, But I know my SO would NEVER be ok with that, so It's just something I keep to myself and deal with it. I out weigh things and I would rather be with him than full fill my fantasy or tell him about it and cause problems in our relationship.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:17 AM on Apr. 8, 2011

  • Somethings people just simply can't do. I hate to say that, but it's true. There's one thing my bf said he didn't like when we first started to date, but then one day, he admitted like he liked it. I straight told him, that I can't do that. I'm sorry. I'll do anything else you want, but I can't do that. You said you didn't like it before and I told you how I felt about it. If I did that, sex wouldn't even come into play at all. When somethings a turn off, its hard to do it when it comes to sex. I mean how would you feel if he went limp or couldn't get hard bc of teh situation ? That'd make you feel worse, ya know ?? I once grabbed my bf and drug him into the bathroom at a party. We were drunk and we always had a wonderful sex life. We both had sex drives of a rabbit. He kept going limp. That made me feel worse than him saying he couldn't do it bc of his fears. Later that night, that it was a different story in private.

    Answer by loudnproud87 at 1:41 AM on Apr. 8, 2011

  • I don't think your problems are sexual but of communication and respect. He's creating distance by saying your fantasies are sick. That kind of judgement in a marriage will lead to less communication. If he's not interested in your kink, that's fine for him to say so, but not to cut you down because you have them.

    I'm also getting the feeling of a control issue here. That he controls everything. He says you can talk to him because that gives him more to control you on. You wants for control is showing up in the bedroom where you though it was safe to do so. But you are right, it's not fair to have a relationship where one person is only heard. But hearing isn't the same as saying 'that's not for me.'

    It sounds like you two need to have a huge sit-down conversation or even counselling for tips and tricks on respectful communication before resentment sets in and destroys the marriage.

    Answer by isabellalecour at 9:27 AM on Apr. 8, 2011