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How to handle secrets being kept from you about your daughter, by your own mother?

In the past months my daughter moved out of our home in with friends, then to help her and my mother out we moved then in together in our rental, of which they paid no rent. I would expect some closeness but recently I learned that my daughter was PG and they waited to tell me, but my mother knew. And then I find out that not only is she PG but she is also now married, of which we were left out of that as well. And now there are issues, that they want my help as a result of their secrets.
I am so mad, but they dont see where they were in the wronge. And asking a 19 yr old to be accountable is one thing. I just don't understand how my mother thought that was ok. How would you feel and how would you handle this.

Answer Question

Asked by up4air at 7:58 AM on Apr. 9, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 3 (15 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • Did your daughter go to her and ask for confidence? That would put the grandmother in a very awkward situation. I would find out all the details before reacting. I would hope my granddaughter could come to me but then I would try to get her to open up to her parents. GL with everything

    Answer by elizabr at 8:02 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • those are BIG secrets to keep hidden. i would feel betrayed by my mother and disappointed at my daughter. being left out of the wedding, and knowing after her grandma knew that she was pregnant? that's just not right. what reason do they give for leaving you out of such big news?? i have no advice really but HUGS to you!

    Answer by tnm786 at 8:03 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • It sounds like your dd didnt want to tell you for some reason and felt comfortable going to her grandmother instead. I can understand why you would be angry. I have a dd and she has two kids herself and I would have been disappointed myself. I can also understand in some way though because I told my grandmother when I was pregnant the first time first not my mother. For me I thought she would be upset (my mom) so I went to someone I thought would be understanding. Maybe try talking to your dd about why she felt she had to do it this way?

    Answer by gemgem at 8:04 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • Your daughter is an adult. She is now responsible for herself. If she asked your mother not to tell you, then your mother was honoring your daughter's request. This is not on your mother, she was trying to keep a trust. This is on your daughter.

    I don't want to sound harsh, but how was your relationship with your daughter before all of this happened. I have to wonder how things got to the point that she didn't tell you that she was pregnant or married.


    Answer by layh41407 at 8:05 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • There is alot more to this, But thats how I wastrying to look at it, like she felt more comfortable talking to my mother, but then when things started falling apart, then they started to get upset with me for not wanting to get in the middle of something i wwasnt part of from the begining. I am trying to keep from being manipulated by both of them, which has happened over and over the last 13 years. And as much as I love my daughter and would like to help her, I feel like the best help I can give her is to bee here for her, but I can't continue to hold her hand thru life. she has to learn how to do things on her own. Or at least put forth some effort.


    Comment by up4air (original poster) at 8:19 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • I think you are right. Be there for her, tell her you will be, and then step back a little. Especially since they are now starting to be upset with you. GL

    Answer by elizabr at 8:56 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • i do agree that is was wrong of ur mother to keep those things from you, but she fallowed ur daughters wishes to keep it from you. maybe ur daughter wanted to see if she could do it all on her own with her new husband? or was afraid to go to u pregnant and wanted to show u that she can do the right thing and get married(wich by the way is not ALWAYS the right thing to do) in my own personal opinion if it were me i would be there for her and let her know that u support her every step of the way, but i would give her her space. she obviously wanted. as much as u want to swoop in and make everything all better again as every mother does, in a case like this i think its best to let her make her own mistakes to learn from. it will make her stronger in the end

    Answer by confused1991 at 9:21 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • I grew up VERY close to my maternal grandparents (dad wasn't in the picture, so they helped my Ima raise me since she was often working 2-3 jobs). There were definitely things I told them that I asked them to keep to themselves until I felt ready to discuss it with my mother. Not much, since mom and I are also close, but sometimes kids need an outlet they respect and look up to as a sounding board before they present something to a parent - particularly if they fear a negative reaction may be a result on the parent's part. It's completely understandable that you're hurt and feel a bit betrayed, but I very much doubt that either of them omitted the information from you for a malicious reason.

    Answer by CPCrane at 11:03 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • Wow, that is so sad. Two very wonderful moments in your daughters life she didn't want you to be involved in. I would be heartbroken.

    Answer by MKSers at 2:05 PM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • I honestly think secrets are clear signs of dysfunction. (I don' t mean to offend you). Sounds like there is something seriously wrong with communication. I would feel betrayed for sure! I think you need to have a sit down and get everyone off your chest. Good luck!

    Answer by twinkletoes0408 at 6:59 PM on Apr. 9, 2011

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