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To call or not to call (mom issue)

I have not spoken to my mom in over a week. Not by my own choosing per say. I have reached out and she refuses to answer her phone. She is always causing drama because she is just one of those women who gets bored and starts drama for something to do.

I was prepared to call today, it is her bday. My oldest ds called last night and asked me why I am stressing out my mom? I havent talked to her. I said how am I stressing her out? Now I dont even want to call. I think she is just trying to cause problems. I told my son this is what I thought and by listening to her and conveying the message he was just giving her the negative attention she desired. I did leave her a message on FB but did want to call. She is my mom. I just dont want to hear her drama.
What would you do?

 
gemgem

Asked by gemgem at 9:02 AM on Apr. 9, 2011 in Relationships

Level 42 (148,630 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Oh girly I am going through something very similar with my mom.I haven't talked to her in 3 months now.The drama she brings is just too much for me and my kids.I have chosen to stay away from her until she chooses to accept some responsibilities for her actions, as hard as it is. She still don't feel we are important enough to deal with and it does hurt really bad . Talk about it to others but the decision is up to you , can you live that way ?
    Brandy928

    Answer by Brandy928 at 9:33 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • I feel for you. I love my mom, and in a lot of ways, she's a good person, but she's not a good mom, at least she wasn't to me and my next youngest sister. To the younger two (there are 4 of us, two, then a gap, then 2 more...), she was a lot better mom. Us older two are basically reminders of mistakes she made in her life, and that causes problems.

    So, I do understand how you feel. But, as my mil has told me, there's nothing wrong with not "shutting the door" on the relationship, but at the same time, not putting yourself out there to be hurt time and time again. You sent her a facebook message. You could send her a card or something. If you, specifically aren't the reason for the drama, you could call and, if she starts, say, sorry, I have to go.

    It's ok to protect yourself from toxic relationships, even if the toxic person is your mom!

    (((hugs)))
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:08 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • I would call or drop a small gift by her house, if she's close enough. As bad as things are with her, when she is gone, there will be a void in your life and there will be things you will wish you had done differently. So make some kind of gesture. How she respods will be up to her, and there's nothing you can do about that!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:15 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • Just call her its her birthday today. If she doesnt wann apick it up then fine. At least the she cant say you havent even called her on her bday.
    LittleBirdFly

    Answer by LittleBirdFly at 9:07 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • Yep thats the thing she is very toxic and out of touch with reality. I will be 40 this year and I have learned how to protect myself from her. I just dont want MY day ruined by her.
    gemgem

    Comment by gemgem (original poster) at 9:11 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • I miss my mother more than words can ever truly convey. So for me I would do anything to speak with her again. She wasn't always the nicest person and she struggled with her own childhood abuse and abondonment issues, but I love my mother and never let her personality become a barrier/wall between us. And believe me there were many many times in my adult life where it would have been justified I just refused to let it happen. That's my story gemgem, don't know whether it actually answers your question or not. Good Luck and I hope you and your mom work this out.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 9:13 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • like my mom she the same way loves to exaggerate
    smiley745

    Answer by smiley745 at 9:15 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • Recipe for drama
    1 cup of gossip 1/4 cup of rumors & 9 lbs of jealousy. Mix well & cover in lies. Roast for as long as you lack self esteem.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 9:17 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • There's a difference between someone with a difficult personality or who is abrasive, and someone who is truly toxic. If the relationship is a matter of she's annoying / a pain in the butt, that's one thing. But if she's toxic, then that's another.

    I struggled with this with my own mom for yrs (our relationship is somewhat better now, because I didn't shut that door, but I also had boundaries to protect me against the toxic behavior), especially as I believe in "honoring your parents". However, again, as my mil pointed out to me, if you need to set boundaries / keep a distance for your own emotional health / safety, that isn't dishonoring her. You don't have to trash her or badmouth her to people, but you don't have to be her toxic dumping ground, either.

    If you want, you could take the higher road, but you could also set a timer -

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:21 AM on Apr. 9, 2011

  • cont

    Call her, but set a timer, for like, say, 10 minutes. When it goes off, if you are having a nice talk with her, ignore it. If you aren't, then you tell her you have to go (someone at the door, need to go to the bathroom, whatever). If the conversation starts to go badly, then you can tell her something like "Mom, I love you, but I really can't handle that right now. I suggest we change the subject." If she doesn't, and tries to push the subject, then just repeat it, or say "Mom, I asked that we change the subject. I don't want to talk about this right now, so I think it would be a good idea if we hung up and talked some more another time." Then say good bye.

    But, if you really don't feel up to this, and she is a toxic person, then honestly, there's nothing wrong with not calling her, either. As I'm sure you know (being a mom yourself), being a mom doesn't give you the right to verbally dump on your kids.

    gl!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 9:25 AM on Apr. 9, 2011