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Why didnt she tell me sooner. adult content

My daughter is in her 30's, I came into the house the other day and she was crying I thought someone had died, shes not really and emotional woman, my husband was sitting with her and he told me to sit down My daughter told me that she had been molested by a family member when she was eight but she refused to tell me who it was, Im not sure what to do with this information. And I don't know why she waited so long to tell me, What do I do?  how can I get her to tell me who did this to her? How do I help her get past this?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:31 AM on Apr. 10, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I just read your other post about who was around her. That could be devastating in itself but depending on the ages of the brothers it may just have been childhood curiosity to one of the brothers but misconstrued by her tender age. I'm not defending anything. I'm just trying to glean over possibilities that may not be as traumatic (in the eyes of an adult) as it would be to a little girl. Of course, there are times workers or even strangers could pass by and take those brief and stolen moments that can scar a child. That girl on dancing with the stars said her family's gardener molested her. It could have been anyone who had even a momentary encounter with her. (teacher, custodian, priest/preacher, babysitter, neighbor's child). I tried to kill the person who molested my oldest daughter. Too many people held me back. Then the Prosecuting Attorney made it worse by not charging him since he was going away for a DUI.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:29 PM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • Don't force her to talk about it. If it took her this long to even tell you she was abused, then it will probably take time to let you know the whole story...Just be there to listen to her and comfort her. Help her get into therapy. Tell her you are there if she wants to talk, but be patient.
    laird6372

    Answer by laird6372 at 11:34 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • Then it would be one of the brothers, explaining her reluctance to disclose that information to their mother. I think you need to really jut give her time to do it on her own and perhaps suggest the people you think it might be. Tell her you won't be angry or accusatory even if it is one of your own children. That might help.

    I am really glad she is in counseling, and you might offer to go too with her.
    spottedpony

    Answer by spottedpony at 12:23 PM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • She was probably embarrassed or threatened by this person. She is most likely just tying to save you from the pain of knowing who. In time she might tell you. There is nothing that can be done now 22 years later. Just comfort your daughter and let her know that none of this is her fault, and that you are here for her no matter what. That you still love her and that you know that it must have been hard for her to go through that alone... Just be there for your daughter, if she wants to tell you more, she will, but don't force her too.
    BabyBugsmama

    Answer by BabyBugsmama at 11:35 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • talk to a counselor that deals with these things. "Maybe" something from her present event trigger her past event. No one knows expect her. It sounds like you all need counseling.....Mom just hug your daughter and be there for her and support her. God only knows why she held it in for so long.....
    *HUGS* to you and your family
    bmwlover

    Answer by bmwlover at 11:36 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • If you think back to that time you can probably come up with a short list of "suspects". Who did she spend a lot of time with then? Did you just chalk it up to puppy love or a crush? Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back you SHOULD be able to see all the warning signs.

    There is a pattern that most molesters will go through. First, they groom their target and the family of their target to get close. Very often the family says later that they didn't think so-and-so could have done it, they were SO NICE and helpful and blah blah blah.Once this person has insinuated themselves into your lives they will begin grooming the child even more. This is usually done through innocent games like tickling, or "petting" when the hand "accidentally" slips.

    I have been molested myself when I was a tween. I also used to be a mandated reporter and got a LOT of training on recognizing warning signs of molested kids.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 11:39 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • Thanks ladies, I found out she has been in counsling for a while and this has haunted her. Its just hard for me to imagine that my baby (she still is) was hurt by someone I know. She has been through so much the past few years, she said she tried to tell us in 99 but approached her then husband who has been throught the same thing (he was a horrible man) thinking he would understand, He told her you only say that because you want to be like me, she did tell me that because of this she didnt think she could tell us because her own husband didnt believe her. She also said that she would never tell me who it was because she dosent think I will handle it well. But to let her grieve and get past this, and that she will answer questions when she is ready too. Im proud of her but very upset that someone would hurt her in this way.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:42 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • the person may have told her not to and you know.....
    Jazmineamomma

    Answer by Jazmineamomma at 11:46 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • To answer Rosehawk yes that list is short we lived in Germany at the time and the only family members around were her brothers and my husband. But we also moved back to the states at that time she wont tell me if it was a man or a woman so that makes the list longer Im racking my brain here. I might be in jail if I find out. I know its not my husband she told me that much in a private conversation
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:48 AM on Apr. 10, 2011

  • When something like that happens, it is hard to tell anyone out of fear you won't be believed. I finally told my parents after a year of it and they didn't believe me. At least it made the person stop though.
    VintageWife

    Answer by VintageWife at 11:50 AM on Apr. 10, 2011