This is gonna take some explaining so you all get the whole picture, so bare with me. Please?
When I was married to my 1st husband, he worked at the local civic center.... he was friends with his boss there.... we'll call him James. James was married and had 4 teenage stepchildren. James' wife was NOT a friend of mine - honestly couldn't stand the woman - but these were all her children from multiple marriages and men. BUT I did like James (in a poor-dude-he's-a-sweet-guy and has-to-put-up-with-all-this-crap kind of way)
After about 5 years - James and his wife decided to move 7 hours away..... the youngest, and the only stepson had JUST turned 18 AND had JUST married his long-time sweetheart. We'll call them "Steve and Anna". Soooooo James approached my then-husband and asked the obvious question "You will look out for Steve won't you?"..... Over the next 7 years, Steve and Anna were constantly on MY doorstep. They had 2 kids -- I was there for the birth of both (even cut the cord on the youngest AND he is named after me). I got really close to these kids and their kids.
Now back up a few years.... I took a part time job helping Anna's mother out at the dry cleaner she worked for during the summer.... The woman was the most beat down, hard working, sad woman I had ever met in my life -- AND WORSE... she had a cough that you couldn't mistake. She and I talked a lot about "the kids" and she told me that she was so much more happy knowing that *I* was involved as opposed to Steve's real mom (she didn't like the woman either). Well, just before the youngest grandchild was born... Anna's mom passed away from lung cancer.
Now I had TWO grown kids who didn't have parents in their lives. Which explains why they clung to me like they did. So these kids became my "Inherited Kids" as I called them. I did everything that a mother and grandmother does. (except that I had to be both Mom and Mother-In-law in one to the two of them - that was a hard balance) - and I could see that Steve WAS NOT treating Anna well AT ALL.
Two years ago, Anna and Steve divorced. During the same time.... Steve's parents moved back to town. He graduated himself back over to his own mom - which was fine with me - I encouraged it. During and after the divorce his TRUE colors came out and they were U.G.L.Y.
So that left me with Anna and the kids.
Now those babies were like my own grandkids, in every way. They even called me NahNah (not nanna - lol Nah -Nah)
A year ago - my DH was transferred across the state. I had to leave my own adult biological children AND I had to leave Anna and the babies. I cried for weeks.
During the divorce, Anna had met "Chad".... I never liked Chad... there was something "Off" about his character. For a year he strung Anna along - one week he loved her and talked about buying a house together, the next thing you know, she hasn't seen him for weeks. When she brought him to meet us, my DH said his impression was that he was a little "light in the manly department" (if you know what I mean).
A year into them dating - Chad confessed to her that he was in fact gay and had been seeing a married man for almost 5 years. BUT he wanted Anna to stay with him "just in case he decides to be heterosexual instead" -- not kidding... his words.
Anna was devastated and I encouraged her to "run like her hair was on fire". She would call me constantly complaining about Chad did this or Chad said that (after his confession) - and I finally asked her "are you actually contemplating continuing to be his girlfriend" .. she said it was a possibility. I asked her "what about him being gay".. she said that maybe he could get over it. Now mind you, he treats her like Crap Deluxe all the time now.
Soon I started noticing on her FB that not only was she still going out with him - BUT she had taken up with all of his gay friends... and hanging out at the gay bars with them all the time.
Soon after that, she had to get a new phone and got a new number. She sent me a message on FB that she needs my number cuz she couldn't extract it from her old phone (dropped in water).
I didn't respond. Honestly, I've needed a break from this stupid mess. I've already not seen the babies in a year and tho I miss them, I am getting over them....
Today, she sends me a picture of her, Chad and the babies all dressed alike. And on her hand (in the picture) is an engagement ring. I can't, no I don't want to be any part of this, any of it.
I know these babies that I loved dearly are gonna wind up with scars from all this bullshit - and I'm powerless to do a damn thing about it... do I really need to volunteer to watch this from the side-lines or do I just go ahead and cut ties with kids that aren't mine to begin with, let my heart break, then heal and never look back?
BTW we are being transferred back to that town at the end of summer.
(Going Anon for obvious reasons)
Asked by Anonymous at 1:30 PM on Apr. 11, 2011 in Relationships
Answer by kkbird at 1:37 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Answer by luckygurl1313 at 1:38 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Wow what a mess. I do not think there is anything you can do to help and you will only drive yourself crazy having to hear about it. You need to decide now what your boundaries are before you move back otherwise you may get dragged into the mess.
Answer by Graciesmom528 at 1:40 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Answer by kkbird at 1:44 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Heart breaking for sure. I'd probably take this opportunity to distance myself. Maybe by the time you get back Anna will have had a change of mine and heart and at that point you two could reconnect. If not I'd pretty much cease to initiate any contact with her. It's definitely not a win for the children, its a very hard choice.
Answer by meooma at 1:50 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Answer by MaryMW at 1:59 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Answer by LeJane at 3:02 PM on Apr. 11, 2011
Next question overall
(Just for Fun)
What is your favorite Carpe Diem or live in the moment kind of quote?