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Just wipe my hands and be done or what?

This is gonna take some explaining so you all get the whole picture, so bare with me. Please?

When I was married to my 1st husband, he worked at the local civic center.... he was friends with his boss there.... we'll call him James. James was married and had 4 teenage stepchildren. James' wife was NOT a friend of mine - honestly couldn't stand the woman - but these were all her children from multiple marriages and men. BUT I did like James (in a poor-dude-he's-a-sweet-guy and has-to-put-up-with-all-this-crap kind of way)

After about 5 years - James and his wife decided to move 7 hours away..... the youngest, and the only stepson had JUST turned 18 AND had JUST married his long-time sweetheart. We'll call them "Steve and Anna". Soooooo James approached my then-husband and asked the obvious question "You will look out for Steve won't you?"..... Over the next 7 years, Steve and Anna were constantly on MY doorstep. They had 2 kids -- I was there for the birth of both (even cut the cord on the youngest AND he is named after me). I got really close to these kids and their kids.

Now back up a few years.... I took a part time job helping Anna's mother out at the dry cleaner she worked for during the summer.... The woman was the most beat down, hard working, sad woman I had ever met in my life -- AND WORSE... she had a cough that you couldn't mistake. She and I talked a lot about "the kids" and she told me that she was so much more happy knowing that *I* was involved as opposed to Steve's real mom (she didn't like the woman either). Well, just before the youngest grandchild was born... Anna's mom passed away from lung cancer.

Now I had TWO grown kids who didn't have parents in their lives. Which explains why they clung to me like they did. So these kids became my "Inherited Kids" as I called them. I did everything that a mother and grandmother does. (except that I had to be both Mom and Mother-In-law in one to the two of them - that was a hard balance) - and I could see that Steve WAS NOT treating Anna well AT ALL.

Two years ago, Anna and Steve divorced. During the same time.... Steve's parents moved back to town. He graduated himself back over to his own mom - which was fine with me - I encouraged it. During and after the divorce his TRUE colors came out and they were U.G.L.Y.
So that left me with Anna and the kids.

Now those babies were like my own grandkids, in every way. They even called me NahNah (not nanna - lol Nah -Nah)

A year ago - my DH was transferred across the state. I had to leave my own adult biological children AND I had to leave Anna and the babies. I cried for weeks.

During the divorce, Anna had met "Chad".... I never liked Chad... there was something "Off" about his character. For a year he strung Anna along - one week he loved her and talked about buying a house together, the next thing you know, she hasn't seen him for weeks. When she brought him to meet us, my DH said his impression was that he was a little "light in the manly department" (if you know what I mean).

A year into them dating - Chad confessed to her that he was in fact gay and had been seeing a married man for almost 5 years. BUT he wanted Anna to stay with him "just in case he decides to be heterosexual instead" -- not kidding... his words.

Anna was devastated and I encouraged her to "run like her hair was on fire". She would call me constantly complaining about Chad did this or Chad said that (after his confession) - and I finally asked her "are you actually contemplating continuing to be his girlfriend" .. she said it was a possibility. I asked her "what about him being gay".. she said that maybe he could get over it. Now mind you, he treats her like Crap Deluxe all the time now.

Soon I started noticing on her FB that not only was she still going out with him - BUT she had taken up with all of his gay friends... and hanging out at the gay bars with them all the time.

Soon after that, she had to get a new phone and got a new number. She sent me a message on FB that she needs my number cuz she couldn't extract it from her old phone (dropped in water).

I didn't respond. Honestly, I've needed a break from this stupid mess. I've already not seen the babies in a year and tho I miss them, I am getting over them....

Today, she sends me a picture of her, Chad and the babies all dressed alike. And on her hand (in the picture) is an engagement ring. I can't, no I don't want to be any part of this, any of it.

I know these babies that I loved dearly are gonna wind up with scars from all this bullshit - and I'm powerless to do a damn thing about it... do I really need to volunteer to watch this from the side-lines or do I just go ahead and cut ties with kids that aren't mine to begin with, let my heart break, then heal and never look back?

BTW we are being transferred back to that town at the end of summer.

(Going Anon for obvious reasons)

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 1:30 PM on Apr. 11, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • P.S. I have absolutely NOTHING against gay people... my point is that Anna is compromising who she is and what she wants (aka a loving, committed relationship with a man who loves her)... to be with Chad... She's adopted his life-style to continue to have him in her life. When I asked her If she could be in a non-committed bisexual relationship... she said that she couldn't do it.... but apparently she can and is. I practically begged her to keep the kids out of this until the whole "am I gonna be with a gay guy" thing is over and settled.... it upsets me to see her not only compromising her own value like this - but now with the picture she sent me... she is involving the kids 100%. The kids are 5 and 7.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:33 PM on Apr. 11, 2011


    Answer by kkbird at 1:37 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Wow! Sweetie only you can make this decision. By reading, I know it's hard and you're hurting. Me? I would probably just cut all ties. Hope this helps. ; ) xoxo

    Answer by luckygurl1313 at 1:38 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Wow what a mess. I do not think there is anything you can do to help and you will only drive yourself crazy having to hear about it. You need to decide now what your boundaries are before you move back otherwise you may get dragged into the mess.


    Answer by Graciesmom528 at 1:40 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • what does "Steve" say??? is he still in the children's life??? I too have nothing against gay, I have Lezbo's in my family too. but.... Sleeping with one sex, then transferring shit ( pardon the word) to another partner who is straight, and has small children to raise is just WRONG. Who knows what the ther has and .... its just wrong. Same with straight people who cheat.... who knows what is traveling around just to be spread through out.

    I thought you were to look out for Steve??? I understand looking out for the kids and being nah-nah, but that doesnt mean you have to entertain Anna and her SEXUAL CHOICES to have a relationship with the kids... and if it does then step away slowly, avoid the messages and or Tell her straight out how you feel..... you dont agree with her actions and therefore wish not to be the BFF with her drama.

    Answer by kkbird at 1:44 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Heart breaking for sure. I'd probably take this opportunity to distance myself. Maybe by the time you get back Anna will have had a change of mine and heart and at that point you two could reconnect. If not I'd pretty much cease to initiate any contact with her. It's definitely not a win for the children, its a very hard choice.


    Answer by meooma at 1:50 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Looking out for "Steve" was never *my choice to begin with... it was my ex husband that stepped up and said "sure, I'll watch out for him".... because it was *his friend , not mine...BUT I ultimately inherited Steve during my own divorce. Steve is, by nature, a momma's boy, whichever momma he is around doesn't matter to him. Not only did I not want Steve as an inherited child to begin with -- but I couldn't stand his real mom and HIGHLY suspected that the same "unsavory" character flaws she had would (and was to) be found in Steve. Anna clung to me after her mother's death because he own dad went off the deep end when his wife died. Anna had no one. AND WORSE -- neither Steve NOR Anna's upbringing was in-line with my own values and morals.They had BOTH come from families with questionable morals at best. (Ex. Steve has a a niece and nephew by two of his sisters - but those babies have the same dad.)

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:58 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • I would tell her honestly how you feel. Let her know that you have a hard time supporting her relationship with someone who will never love her the way that she deserves, not to mention that you can't watch her put the kids thru this sham of a relationship and what would seem to be an unavoidable break up down the road. Tell her that you care about her and the children but that the situation bothers you so much that you need to take a step back right now. Then I guess you can look at it one of two ways. This girl does not have a mother and grew to depend on you, is it fair to just pull back because you don't like what she is doing? If she was your own child would you pull back? For the kids' sake isn't it good for you to be involved? But on the other hand she is not your child and they are not your grandchildren and maybe it isn't worth the drama. Maybe you have served your role in each others lives and it's time to move on.

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:59 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • O yeah.. Steve IS NOT involved with the kids anymore at all.... he dropped those two babies like old shoes as soon as he found a new girlfriend (and NOW has two more children but TWO DIFFERENT women). So whatever Steve would have to say about any of it - wouldn't matter in the least, because whatever came out of his mouth would either be a lie or would turn into a lie because he would never back it up. He hasn't actually taken the kids for his weekend (not once) since last summer.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:01 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • It all depends on "what" is healthy for you. If you want her and the kids in your life, then you will have to accept that this is the way it is and just deal with it. Sometimes we spend alot of time fighting things we can't change. It is what it is. It could be worse. Find the humor in it all and relax. Buy her a strap on schlong... and tell her it's to help with her competetion. Wait until you see 1st hand what their life is like and then make your decisions. If the kids are healthy and happy then I wouldn't worry about it. We have to let people figure out their own lives- as much as it hurts.
    What you did was very kind. To help be a mentor in someone elses' life is truely noble. From here just live your life, all we can do is to love others and let the rest work itself out. Good luck. P.S. I enjoy the way you write, I particularly was fond of the "crap deluxe". Thanks for the laugh..

    Answer by LeJane at 3:02 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

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