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Why is the biological mom giving me such a hard time as a stepmom?

My Husbands Ex Wife has never liked me. I have never said one bad thing to this woman and have always loved and treated her children as my own. We have a big Family. I have two children from a previous relationship, he has two with her, we have one together and another on the way. They have been divorced since 2007. We have been married since 2009. in 2007 when they divorced she moved to Ga with the children and my husband remained in FL. We moved to Ga in the summer of 2010 to be closer to the kids and spend more time with them. Before My husband and I moved we would have the kids for 5 weeks in the summer and he would fly up and visit every 2 to 3 months to visit. Now that WE are here, it has become a nightmare. Everything I do is wrong. She has accused me of abandonning the kids at a birthday party, making them serve me, cursing them out, and overstepping my biundaries as a step parent. Recently her and my husband sat down with their son age 7 and he said he doesnt like the rules in my house, I curse at him , and he doesnt like the way I dress him . I treat all the kids the same. I but them all the same clothes, usually from macys or old navy. I dress them the same because when you are trying to keep uip with kids ages 8,7,6,4,and 2 it makes it easier and also its fair. I never curse at the kids never!!! My husband asked me to email my ss baseball coach to have him forward baseball schedules to him so he could be involved. (I knew the coach personally) When the coach added my husband to the email list he also added me, when she saw that, she flipped out. How I wasnt authorized to email the coach regarding her son. How I was alound to attend the games and cheer and that was it. Meanwhile, since I know this coach he has also asked me to keep score during the game. And I think it bothers her too. But on my endI run around town with all 5 kids making sure they get where they need to be. I always have some type of fun activity planned for them. I always have the kids make a christmas card, mothers day card or birthday card for her. I send her copies of all pictures taken. I send her and her boyfriend gifts on christmas. Ialways make sure that weekend homework is done, the "specialdiet" my ss is suppose to be on is honored, and never interfer with any parenting issues between her and my husband, but yet she always finds issues with me. I have invited her to many different events and she has yet to attend. My kids are even beginning to feel affected by the nonsense when the kids come over on the weekend. Because my SS and SD feel they dont have to follow the rules, and or cry if they are punished and say they want to go home or they are happy its their last day. My children have chores they have to do and I dont ask the stepchildren to help anymore because they will report to their mother that I make them work when they come over. I just dont know what to do anymore, especially now that things that are being reported our lies. We see his ex wife at church each sunday, at the baseball field one way or another 2-3 times a week. We have to interact, but with her always putting me down I dont know how to respond to her. It is very hard for me to put on a happy face, so I just dont say anything and keep my shades on and ignore her. But then I look like the bad one. She has never once said thank you for any of my efforts or gifts and its almost as if she expects it. So going forward I will no longer be purchasing anything for her, as she has never shown any grattitude towards my efforts ever. What Am I doing wrong? What can I do to make the situation better? ARe the kids reaaly miserable at my home, they seem to have fun and enjoy themselves when they are with me. I am super stressed out!!!!

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Asked by Anonymous at 1:35 PM on Apr. 11, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (11)
  • Sometimes people just wont like you, and that is probably the case here. I seriously hated my ex husbands gf and I had reason though. He had cheated on me with her when I was pregnant with our son and than helped him hide my son from me. She was nice enough to my son and took care of him. I still didnt like her though. She tried to be friends with me, but I told her to go to hell. So like I said, I had a reason to not like her.
    I would maybe sit down with the kids and be honest. Ask them how they feel and tell them you wont be hurt either way, you just want the truth. If they have no problems with you then ignore her.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:41 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Sounds like she is jealous. And you guys all need to sit down and talk. The kids seems to think its a vacation every time they come to your house its not their there to see there dad and spend time with his family i.e. you and your kids. I wouldn't be buying her gifts anymore for her to act stuck up about it. I don't think its going to get any better unless you talk to her. Sorry you have to go through this.

    Answer by letlovegrow2524 at 1:47 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • I really dont know why some step moms automatically jump to the she is jealous meme? For all you know this step mom was the other woman, or there are other underlying issues. This is only one half of the story. People just don't decide to hate someone for no reason. The bio mom is remarried, I doubt she is jealous.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:50 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Thanks for your answers, I think I will sit down with the kds next time they are here. I truely thought we could all get along and just be friends. Being that she is getting married this year. She doesnt allow me any rights to the children because she says we dont get along, yet we have never had an argument. I am not allowed to pick the kids from school, or ask about them, but she has her fiance of just 6 months volunteering in the class at school, and attending conferences. My husband asked if I could be put on the pickk up list, if he had an emergency and she wont allow it. But she will allow his parents, sister, and even the neighbor. I will try to talk to her but I really dont know where it will go. We see each other at church and we could have a 20 min conversation and i think everything is going good, the next thing, I Know, i am be accused of somthing else.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 1:57 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • You are not doing anything wrong from what you have written, except for maybe being someone who she may feel is in competition as mother to her children. Take a breath and step back and look at it from another angle. Is it really necessary to include her? No. Is it necessary to give her cards that her children made? No. Is it nice and a nice thing to do? Yes, but....she might be feeling inferior, even though she isn't, she might have an unfounded fear that you are the better motherly type of mom, and she may just have to get over that sort of issue on her own time. You can in the mean time step back and stop trying so hard to get her to like you. As far as the kids go, you should have a chat with them, with or without your DH is up to you, and at this point don't worry about what BM thinks of you for this chat. Don't be afraid that the kids go back and complain about being there and doing chores, the CO defines the rules.

    Answer by Banae26 at 1:59 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • From what I gather the biomom isn't remarried, she has a boyfriend. Not that it matters, some women can just be rude, and don't put the children in front of themselves.
    I'm sure there's two sides to this story, but I don't see this stepmom trying to put down the biomom, she's asking for help/advice.

    If I were in your shoes I would just ignore her, take care of all of the children as you already are, and treat them all the same, or you're going to regret it later on. Don't let her bother you, she can't do anything to you as long as you know you're doing everything for the kids out of love. GL Momma!

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 1:59 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • The Bio Mom is on boyfriend number 5 in 4 years and is now engaged. She filed for divorce and put my husband out. He never cheated on her and gave her everything. He could have collected alomony instead he oppted to pay child support. If it is not jealousy then what is it? I dont understand.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:01 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Maybe she thinks you will "replace her". I know it sounds silly, but a lot of bio moms feel that way. I have stepchildren, but their mother isn't in the picture. Either way, you should sit down with your husband and discuss your feelings. Then sit down with his children and BOTH of you explain how it is going to be in YOUR house. Rules, chores etc. No exceptions. Have your husband speak to his ex-wife and make it CLEAR that he will NOT tolerate her behavior towards you. Your husband has to be on board with this for it to work. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk more!

    Answer by Kari727 at 2:05 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • Ok for starters, YOU need to be YOU. (just sayin)
    your house has rules and chores for a reason. It's called STABILITY, RESPONSIBLITY, and DEVELOPING children to be well rounded.
    other wise you have children who are LAZY, and depend on parents to pay there bills and take constant care of them when they become adults. * So do your house as you see fit.* IT IS NOT RIGHT FOR THE OTHERS TO COME OVER AND DO NOTHING OR pick up after themselves while your children have rules. ( resentment).

    DO NOT worry what she thinks of you. Does SHE mean anything in your immediate life?....
    YOU don't have to cater or explain anything you do, or who your friends are to her. As long as it does not harm her children then whats it to her other than trying to CONTROL YOU, or YOUR LIFE WITH HER EX.

    STOP BUYINGGIFTS FOR THEM.. HER & HER BF... THATS CRAZY!!!! the children making her cards for holidays is great, and thats as far as it ...

    Answer by kkbird at 2:07 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

  • needs to go. Stop rewarding her behavior. I too have the same issue with my hubbys ex and I am so done with her. (lol). Don't try to be her friend, dont invite her to anything or in your home. thats what the door is for. a place for her to stand during pick up or dropping off. and Have hubby talk to the children about if they really think you are the witch or is this something mommy is trying to instill in there heads to make herself feel better. Here if you need to chat. take care

    Answer by kkbird at 2:11 PM on Apr. 11, 2011

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