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How to share observations about your step child to their parent and have it received well ?

I have tried to talk to my sig other about the table manners of his son, which has turned into huge fights - First I was told "Don't you say anything " - I never have -I always wait till we are alone to say anything to his father. I have never said anything to embarrass he or his son. The lack of faith in me- hurt. His father went on to say Who asked me ? It is my son not yours.? The young man is 14 and doing very well in school. However, he holds his fork like he is going to stab someone with it - something right out of planet of the apes. I was sharing with him my observation for the betterment of his son. Am I wrong ? Should I just keep my opinions to myself. ?


Asked by karaokekate at 8:00 AM on Apr. 12, 2011 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • The only legitimate reason I can think of for his response would be in your approach. I know if my SO comes to me and says "I'd like to talk to you about something I noticed and see what you think...", I'm much more receptive than if he says "L did this and it really needs to be this way. This needs to change." It's kind of...the 2nd one comes off like telling me I'm a bad parent, and that's not going to make me willing to listen. So, IF you think your approach might have come off that way, you could try apologizing and telling him that wasn't your intention and see what happens.

    If that's not the case, though, I'd keep my opinions to myself, and honestly, I'd probably rethink the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who could never listen to my opinion and who would shut me out like that.

    Answer by wendythewriter at 9:01 AM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • If he is staying at your house he has to respect YOUR rules. Making you sit on the sideline is not fair at all. I allow my husband to discipline. If my kids disrespect him or have bad table manners my husband has a right to correct them and their real dad knows it and understands it. You should be allowed to say something. That is just ridiculous.

    Answer by jujubean1979200 at 8:02 AM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • No. I think your SO is wrong. It is bad that he doesn't trust you and that he doesn't welcome a comment on his son from his SO. I feel for you. I hope it gets better.

    Answer by Dalimonster at 8:03 AM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I think he has made it pretty clear how he feels about the situation and all you can do is respect what he is saying. I have kids from a previous marriage and my dh and I often disagree about the way I handle situations with them. I have taught them some things his mom didnt with him, or I should say I allow them some things his mom did not allow him to do. I know nothing like table manners, but manners in general. I told mine alot nicer than your SO did they were my kids & although I did appreciate his input he was the step dad, not dad, and their dad and I had agreed with the way they would be raised long before he came into the picture. Although he may disagree with some of our choices, he understands his place.

    If it bothers you alot what about talking to the mom?

    Answer by gemgem at 8:04 AM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • Now that he has asked you to I'd keep my observations to myself. Perhaps holding the utensil that way is comfortable for him. Normally people choose to conform to do what others do. If it bothered the boy he'd do it like others especially in front of school mates and friends. So if his self esteem is high doing it then just accept it.

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:11 AM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • No you should not but remind your husband that when you married him his son was part of the marriage package and that you only want the best for him. If that doesn't work then quietly get the stepson alone and ask him if he would like to learn a different way to hold his silverware. Don 't point out to the boy that the way his is holding it is wrong. Even though he is 14 and in that early teen age phase yuou can still get through to him without embarrasing him and he will eventually apreciate it. I know that whjen my stepfather (2nd Dad) came along I was great to him until he and my mom got married and then I turned into a brat. Over the years Bill just loved me and included me in everything and then about 1983 I started thinking of him as my 2nd dad. He treated me the same as his own children. He did not let me get by with trying to play him against my mom and I love him for that.

    Answer by CandySarasmom at 8:16 AM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I think you should be able to have an opinion because you so should respect you enough to listen. He shouldnt get mad at you because you pointed something out to him but he could feel inscure about his child. So just give him time and he will listen to you.

    Answer by shelle21 at 8:42 AM on Apr. 12, 2011