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Are we being unreasonable about visits with boyfriend?

16 year old DD wants to get together with her bf at our house, fine. We're home and no one goes upstairs...if they cuddle on the couch or smooch a bit we don't care too much. Watch a movie, go out in our yard, play music stay for dinner...all in plain view and I don't hover. Sometimes they go to the mall or evening events at school and that's been awesome.
The past few times she's been to his house both parents are home and Mom checks on them often as they have a TV room upstairs. She said to me when we first met "No girls over unless I'm home". Not this last time because only Dad was there (I didn't know this until after the fact) and left them upstairs, and apparently didn't check on them because she accidentally left a chat wide open on the computer that said something like "2nd base seems so silly now" and "yeah, things just kind of snowballed" and "it's amazing we went 5 months without any of that" and then "I don't care what we do together I always have fun"......Now, I can't imagine they got into much more than clothes on feeling up, but really Dad? He was apparently very into watching his sports downstairs, but not the teens. Should I ask Mom if she even knows my DD was there? DD said they watched TV downstairs, but I know that's not true. My DH and I think that we will simply say no more visits there unless Mom's home, too, without going into any details. What do you think? I know they are going to experiment, but I'm not into facilitating it! I'm maybe a tad old -fashioned that way. I've asked her if with the last bf if she felt the need to address/get birth control and she said "NO!" I think she must know I saw the chat, but didn't say anything...we all use the same computer, so anyone could've seen it, whoever opened it up first me, my 12 yr old son, or DH. Thanks for your help!

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Asked by Anonymous at 12:08 PM on Apr. 12, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (8)
  • I have to agree.. if his Mom isn't home I wouldn't allow it. sounds like she is sexually active and embarrassed to talk to you about it

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 12:11 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I'd let it go. It only takes about 5 mins to go to second base lol ... you never know the dad could have checked on them once very 20 mins ... teenagers will be teenagers.

    Answer by kaylan010 at 12:12 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I had the same problem when my dd was that age. Her bf's parents were more like friends. I made no mistake in letting his parents what I expected of them when she was in their house. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, but I would say something. Maybe just I feel more comfortable with you being there when his mom is home. Good luck.

    Answer by wallmom1 at 1:04 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I think every parent has to handle this in the way they are comfortable with. For me it would depend alot on how long the kids have been together, how much I trust them to be responsible and how committed and serious the relationship was.

    Answer by MommaKath1975 at 1:15 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I've asked her if with the last bf if she felt the need to address/get birth control and she said "NO!"

    have you asked her about it with this boyfriend?

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 1:38 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I would try to encourage the visits to take place at your house. I wouldn't say why. Just tell your daughter that you feel better about them hanging out at your place. If his parents want her over for dinner or something that's different. I don't know how well you know his parents, but maybe invite them over for dinner. Maybe the more you get to know them you can gently broach the subject with his parents. The truth is if the kids are going to do It they're going to do it no matter what.

    Answer by jcm62497 at 3:54 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • First of all, make a gyno appointment for her to get all checked out. Not necessarily for STDs, but as an introduction to sexual health. If she is becoming sexually active, then she needs to learn about yearly check-ups, STD tests between partners, and birth control.

    Discuss birth control with her and consider getting her on the pill. While you manage the prescription, she should pay for the pills. Generic versions of ortho-try-cyclin can be as low as $9 per pack.

    I do not think it is unreasonable for you to only let her go over if the bf's mom is present. That is a fair rule to make.

    However, as much as you don't want to think about it, prepare to accept that they will experiment and be sexually active. I mean, they've been together for five months.

    Answer by Mousuke at 7:00 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • no you are not....sorry your going through this

    Answer by mommyof3-2008 at 10:12 AM on May. 25, 2011

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