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How do I get my 14yr old to talk to me

She says I"m getting in her business and annoying her when I try to ask her about anything. She tells me that she will only discuss things with her peers. How can I get into her secret world she seems to be building?

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kcsunshine0215

Asked by kcsunshine0215 at 2:00 PM on Apr. 12, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • My daughter and I always talk in the car ...maybe take her out somewhere for lunch and see if she opens up

    do you spend time together doing things she likes? do you take an interest in things she does?
    charlotsomtimes

    Answer by charlotsomtimes at 2:07 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • Take time every so often to do an activity with he rthat she would enjoy, whether that is getting your nails done together,shopping,gardening,ect. When you are out,just small talk. She will eventually feel like she can open up to you as long as you don't pressure her. I have tea with my 15 year old. We also go to the mall,I go to Hot Topic with her and he shows me all the stuff she likes. We also enjoy the art museum and gardening.
    thecoffeefairy

    Answer by thecoffeefairy at 2:08 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • Food...sounds sllly but its true. It is all about oportunities. "honey come get this Starbucks....how was your day?" Slowly they open up on their own. No pressure...less pressures. *smile*
    ochsamom

    Answer by ochsamom at 2:09 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • At 14, she doesn't have any business that isn't yours. You can't make her talk to you about anything, but if you suspect she's keeping secrets that she is sharing with her friends, you can certainly fix it so she doesn't have as much access to them. You can restrict her privileges, and you can tell her that the reason is that you don't trust her. My husband and I were always careful to grant freedoms very gradually since doing that is much easier than having to take away freedoms granted prematurely. It sounds like your girl has been given too much freedom and that she does not know how to appropriately handle it. So I would reign her in.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:10 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I think it's really key to keep as much of the conversation away from giving her advice, lecturing her, pointing out things you don't like, etc even though that is so tempting and easy to do. And don't judge her friends because that is the worst sin to a 14 year old that you could ever commit. They say pick your battles with toddlers but that applies even more to teens. So her friend dresses weird, DO NOT POINT IT OUT. Save that for the friend who is really trouble. And you have to lead her with questions that seem innocent, to try and get her to come to some conclusions on her own because if you try to tell her she will think the same conclusion is nonsense. "Hmmm, why would your friend do that? What do you think will happen because she did that? What would you do in her shoes?" are kinds of questions to make her think and to give you some insight into how she feels about things at the same time. Teens are to tough, good luck
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 2:16 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • You can't force it, it has to come naturally. I have the best conversations with my kids either in the car or at the kitchen table over coffee. The more you pry the less info you will get, let them talk, don't judge them and be a good listener. It doesn't always work but it goes along way. And in my house having a sense of humor is a must.
    MommaKath1975

    Answer by MommaKath1975 at 2:54 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • I feel the same as MommaKath1975 - Humor goes a long way in our house, its a great conversation starter when it comes to anything.
    The other thing I'll do is tell a story about something that happened to me or someone I know during the day, could be anything, then I'll ask my boys what they think about that or how I felt about it. I try to pick things that are good for conversation, like how my boss upset me at work, or a client was getting on my nerves and how I handled it...asking for their opinion on how they would handle it. It can open up conversations about teachers or friends that way.
    Talking in the car, over dinner, over ice cream. We're at a point now where they can't wait for me to go home so they can tell me all kinds of things. I'm sure they have some secrets but they are very open with me. Take her out to do something she enjoys, don't judge or critize just listen, show interest. Good luck.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 4:48 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • i am kind of in the same situation with my freshman and 8th grade boys. i have discovered that they almost never want to talk when I ask them ?s. They seem to want to talk around bedtime or homework, and someone once told me when a teen wants to talk, make time, even if there is something else they/you should be doing. Also, i often get accused of lecturing (teachable moments, I say) when they talk to me, so I am trying really hard to just listen and not comment,but man is that hard. Good luck. I have to say that I was one of those uncommunicative teens myself, for no good reason and I don't think there was anything my mom could have done to make me share...
    got2boyztoo

    Answer by got2boyztoo at 11:02 PM on Apr. 12, 2011

  • sorry your going through this
    mommyof3-2008

    Answer by mommyof3-2008 at 10:11 AM on May. 25, 2011

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