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Furious! What would you do? 16 yr old daughter lying...

about going to the junior prom, or at least, concocting a scheme where a bunch of kids (that DH and I don't really know, but know of) are taking a limo to and from the dance and there's a sleepover after. I find out that she is scheming and boyfriend is in on it, of course. Don't know any other details, but the first time I knew she was starting to lie was this week, when she left open a chat which had clearly shown that what she told me she was up to was different than what she actually did. Then I saw the other one about the "crafty" way she told me about the limo/sleepover. Do you think she wants to get caught? Then, since my trust has been broken, I looked and saw another message where this boy admits to watching porn, which freaked her out. (When she first started dating him5 mos ago she said "Mom, you like him, right, he goes to church?") Yah, OK, Great!! Now what? She is an honors student, but way too distracted right now...and she has been to therapy in the past to address her self image and ways to feel better about herself, i.e., exercise, sleep better, eat right, but she still prefers to sit on the couch, chat and hang w/boyfriend, with supervision, however lame at his house. My DH says we just outwit her, but is that really the best policy? But, if I call her on it, I don't know what the outcome will be. She's just started this lying thing...never a problem until now. I have been open about sex...I don't condone it, and will not facilitate it, but please tell me if you need bc. I will not care for your child if you get pregnant. Of course there's plenty of other stuff that can happen....

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:30 AM on Apr. 13, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (12)
  • I think I would call my DD out on it If she's leaving things open and she freaked out about her bf watching porn, then she probably, at least subconciously, does want to get caught and doesn't want to go. I would maybe try to find a way to get her to talk about her bf to. Not really bring up the porn thing, just ask if everything's okay with him and let her know you're there to talk to about it. Sounds like she really wants to be good (I was that way), but her natural teenage reblion instincts and oustide influences are causing her to act out. She sounds like a good kid. Just say look, we know, fess up about it, maybe if you're good you can still go, but no limo/sleepover.
    JulienBella

    Answer by JulienBella at 10:35 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Wow! Thats a TOUGH one. I feel you should nip the lying to you in the bud, AND try and stay one step ahead of her to out wit her as well. Trust is earned and right now im guessing you have NO trust in her. Id put the parental controls or a key logger on her computer and check it to see what she is typing to her friends. If she lied about it once, there are probably more lies you have yet to discover.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 10:35 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I like your dh's idea. Listen to his ideas on how to outwit her. That will shock the dickens out of her. Kids think parents are stupid. They think we fall for their bs. I would cut out the hanging at the bf's house unsupervised. I found out teens need more supervision than little kids! Yes, my oldest dd got pregnant at a very young age so I know what I'm talking about. Keep us posted on this. I'd love to hear how she reacts when you and dad outwit her! lol KIDS!
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:36 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I have been open about sex...I don't condone it, and will not facilitate it, but please tell me if you need bc. I will not care for your child if you get pregnant. Of course there's plenty of other stuff that can happen....

    I think that is great that you are letting her know if she DOES get pregnant, you won't be the babysitter. I think that is VERY important to instill.

    You also mentioned that you wonder if she wants to get caught. Do you have that a relationship where she can come and talk to you? If so, then this was probably left open by mistake (probably got sidetracked since teens for the most --if they are lying, will really try to cover things up.)

    I would sit her down, the 3 of you and tell her what you found out. i don't think you need to tell her HOW you found out, but I do think it needs to be addressed.

    Good Luck!
    ItsJustMe1017

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 10:36 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • If she were mine I would not only call her out on it but she wouldnt be dating him anymore and she wouldnt be going to prom. Thats the cost of lying. Her computer and cell phone would be gone, and it may sound stupid to some but sence i work she would have a baby sitter like she was a 4 year old, untill she regained my trust.
    Luckybear05

    Answer by Luckybear05 at 10:46 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I agree with Luckybear... my teen lied to me ONCE and he got a sitter for a month......
    bcauseimthemom

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 10:53 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I'd call her out on it. Also, there has to be some sort of punishment. I really like that babysitter idea! lol
    lovingmy4babies

    Answer by lovingmy4babies at 11:37 AM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • If it was me - I would bring it up to my son. I have to wonder why she didn't come tell you the plans in the first place? Is it because she's staying with her boyfriend and she's scared of your reaction, or maybe she's embarassed because she doesn't want you to know they are having sex? It could be anything I suppose for the lying, but I'd bring it up and ask why she felt she couldn't tell you the truth. I think its important to find out what's going through her mind when she does this. Its the only way to understand how you can both work together for better communication.
    I'd have a hard time keeping her from prom (but that's just me), however I wouldn't have a hard time taking her and picking her up from prom. (no limo, no sleep over) I would probably also ground her for activities outside of school for a couple weeks to rebuild trust.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 12:37 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Blessed, thanks. She made up plans to cover up the real ones whatever they are. There was no other info in the message. She knows we would not allow her to stay out all night or be at a co-ed sleepover, be with a boy unsupervised, or drive in a car with other teens, especially since none we know have has their licenses long enough to have passengers.. Any of those things are against our rules. I don't think they are having sex, but may be planning on some type of sexual thing on prom night. I truly do not know....but she is clearly going behind our backs and not being truthful :/
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:59 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Your welcom I agree what she did isn't appropriate. My other suggestion would be to tell her that breaking the trust and honesty results in a lack of freedoms. Since you can't trust her then the reigns now need to be pulled in tighter until you can trust her again.
    I did this with my son and it only took once. He hated the fact that I didn't trust him any more.
    Maybe talk about some of the things that she wished she could be allowed to, and if some are within reason maybe you can allow those things as the trust is rebulit. Also make sure you reiterate why those rules are important to you and for her. Honestly I have the same rules about driving and spending the night. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because my son's girlfriend has spent the night a couple times but it was a matter of safety and she slept on the couch right outside of my room with no issues. Its not something that would be allowed regularly
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 1:17 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

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