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4 Bumps

Need some adoption advice

When I was in middle and high school, I was best friends with this wonderful girl. We were really close, and a lot alike. We got along, and did everything together. When we graduated, we lost contact a little and grew apart, like people do. We talked on the phone occasionally for a year, but we haven't seen each other since I got married, and we haven't talked in almost a year. It hurt, but the little I'd talked to her let me know that she had changed, and not for the better. Then, out of the blue, she called me last night. She said she was in town and wanted to come over. I said sure. When she came over, the first thing I noticed was that she is pregnant. She told me she is in 12 days. I congratulated her, the usual. We chatted for about nothing important for about half an hour, and then she says, "Holly, I need your help." I said sure. And then she told me that she wants me to adopt her baby. I was floored. I had no idea to react. She seemed happy about the pregnancy, and had given me no indication that something was wrong. After I found my voice, I asked her why. She said she didn't want the baby, but had been talked out of an abortion by her mother. She said she would either give me the baby, or drop it off at the hospital when she delivered. She also told me that she is struggling with drugs and alcohol addictions. She has scars on her wrists from cutting. After she stopped pretending to be fine, it was obvious that she was nothing like the girl I used to know. She left at 2 in the morning, we talked that long.I told her my husband and I would discuss adopting the baby.

I haven't brought it up yet with my husband. I have no idea what to do. I'm devastated that my best friend has turned into this damaged, broken woman. I'm glad that she is aware of her problems, but still. I don't know how she turned from a happy, good girl to a druggie and drunk.

About the baby. I have no idea what to do. I have kids, and I'm pregnant. But can I turn her down? I'm not sure what she will do if I don't give her an out. She didn't seem happy about leaving her baby at the hospital. She wants a good home, but she refuses to try to make on herself. Maybe she will change her mind when the baby is born, but maybe not. Since she is doing drugs, there is a good chance that the baby will have problems. She is black, already a strike against the baby. Really thinking about having another baby, even though I'm pregnant, makes me happy. We can afford another child, and if I should need it, extra help. We have the room. I will of course talk to my husband first. I'm not sure what he will say.

Have any of you adopted a child? Do you know what that entails? My friend isn't going through an agency, but she already knows a lawyer that will help her. So what does adopting a baby entail? Do you think I'm crazy for wanting to adopt a baby?

Thanks. And please, I can't think of any reason for bashing, but I'm sure someone will, so please, no bashing. Thank you

Answer Question
 
citymomch

Asked by citymomch at 2:14 PM on Apr. 13, 2011 in Adoption

Level 4 (54 Credits)
Answers (32)
  • If you wanna adopt the kid do so, but ONLY with an IRON CLAD adoption agreement that it is UNdoable and that you DO NOT have to allow bio mom access to the child. Id be worried she will wanna always hang around, let you and the hubby do all the hard parts and put out all the $$ and she will be telling the kid she is the real Mom anyways There are SO many ways this can go horrible wrong for you all. If you choose to adopt find a GOOD adoption lawyer and USE the lawyer for the entire process.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 2:19 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I have never adopted a child. It is something we have discussed after trying for five years. The cost is the only thing keeping us from adopting. Are you in a financial position to adopt and then care for this child? Adoption is expensive. We have the means to take care of another child and raise it. Just not the front money. Also is she going to change her mind later? This would be a very sticky situation. Why doesn't she go through an adoption agency? She can pick parents. Are you worried that the baby is going to have health problems? Will you be able to handle to babies at the same time? Send her here. We would take that baby in a heartbeat,
    Shaken1976

    Answer by Shaken1976 at 2:19 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I have never dealt with adoption, so I can't help you there. Did she say whether she has had prenatal care for the baby?
    allen.moriahd

    Answer by allen.moriahd at 2:20 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • DCFS will make her sign away her parental rights and make sure that this is what she wants to do. Make sure the lawyer specializes in adoption. There r expenses involved. U pay rent for her and maybe some hospital bills. U really need to get a lawyer. Only certain expenses r allowed otherwise it is called buying a baby and that is illegal.
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 2:20 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Being a mom through adoption, I do not think at all that you are crazy for wanting to adopt a baby. We went through an agency who basically handled everything for us, so I can't give you a lot of help in this aspect.

    But what I would do is contact an adoption attorney to represent you that is different than the one that is representing her. You should count on paying for all legal expenses and hospital expenses. There is also the father to consider. Where is he in all this?

    Good luck!!
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 2:24 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • to Shaken: We have the money to afford another child, all expenses, even the up front ones. I don't know why she won't go through an agency. I asked her that, and she said she doesn't want that. I think it has something to do with people noticing that she is a drug addict. But I don't really know why. She might change her mind, but I don't think she will. I really got the impression that she wanted to get rid of the baby as soon as possible. I am worried about health problems. Yes, I can handle the babies at the same time.
    citymomch

    Comment by citymomch (original poster) at 2:25 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I'm not an adoptive parent but I'm a birth mother. I can tell you from perspective what I would do knowing how adoption has affected me from my side of things. If I had a friend come to me in the same situation as your friend, I would try to seek out help for her in regard to the issues (if she's not already doing so). I'd ask why she really feels incapable of raising her child (I'm assuming its drug use) and if there is any chance those problems or issues could change that then she could raise her child.
    I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to help a good friend, however I don't know that I would adopt the child. I would look into legal guardianship to help her temporarily, if you find over a period of time things aren't better then look into adoption. I'd allow her regular contact with the child, assuming there is no danger and go into this very slowly with the objective to help my friend while caring for her child
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 2:26 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • To allen.moriahd: I don't think she has had any real prenatal care besides her first appointment.
    citymomch

    Comment by citymomch (original poster) at 2:26 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • To AllAboutKeeley: I asked about the father; she has no idea who he is.
    citymomch

    Comment by citymomch (original poster) at 2:28 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • to blessedwboysx3: I don't think I could do that. I couldn't raise a child, and then give it back. But if that was what she wanted, she could go to her mother, who has her sisters child, and is doing something similar. My friend honestly wants nothing to do with her child.
    citymomch

    Comment by citymomch (original poster) at 2:29 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

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