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How do you handle seeing your abuser?

When I was 3, my mom met a man in the Army. She was a nurse at Fort Benning in Georgia, met him & he moved in. From the second he moved in, my life was hell. Yes at 3 years old, my life was hell. He ended up moving us up to New York, away from my family, I'm guessing to control us better. My mom worked multiple jobs while he stayed home & watched my older brother & I. They ended up having 2 DDs together. To make a long story short, I was sexually, physically, emotionally & mentally abused everyday from ages 3-11 when they finally got a divorce which was always blamed on me. CPS was called weekly by my school. Who wouldn't call when you see a little girl with black eyes, bruises all over, wearing the same clothes everyday, who is clearly having social anxiety & who falls asleep during class from sleep deprivation from a man who keeps her up all night?! When CPS showed up & my mom left for work that night, the abuse was worse. I was told that he would kill my mom, brother & both of my sisters (who are his) in front of me if I ever told. I never told. In fact his exact words were "slash their throats". I kept my mouth shut, CPS never did anything & my mom never accepted the fact it was actually happening so she turned against me. I've went threw things I could never imagine happening to a little girl. On the plus side, I know the warning signs in case a man was ever hurting my own little girl. I know that I wouldn't follow my moms footsteps & not do anything. I would protect my DD & put her before a man. It really has effected who I bring around my child tho. I have fears of dating, getting too close to a man & bringing him into my family Just to find out he is hurting my child. I would probably kill him in all honesty.
Now, I'm 22. Been in and out of therapy my entire life. I'm still haunted by it but I try to make the best of the life I have NOW. The only thing is, I STILL SEE HIM! I know karma will have it's way with him but since he gets his DDs who are now 14 & 16 every other weekend, I do run into him alot. He shows up out of nowhere sometimes during the week to drop things off to my sisters or take them out for certain events going on in town. My mom had a stroke last year & I come over daily to take care of her. As hard as I tried NOT to take care of my mom & abandon her like she did me, she is my mother & I can't. She needs me & has admitted it. I guess I have a huge heart. When I see him, I try to act like the things he has done do not effect my everyday life. I try acting like I overcame what he was done to me. In a sense, I have overcome it but I still have frequent flashbacks & fears that do tend to get a little worse when I see his nasty face. I know that I am a strong woman after all the pain I endured, I made it through it all. I just have to accept that I'll always have scars but they are the battle wounds that will always remind me that I was strong enough to make it through such difficult times.

For those of you abused in anyway, I have a few questions.
Do you ever see your abuser?
How do you cope with seeing them?
Do you still have flashbacks & pain from it?
Do you ever fear having certain people around your children because you think it will happen to them?


Answer Question

Asked by Marix3 at 2:45 PM on Apr. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,755 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • My abuser was an immediate family member. My family disowned me for speaking out. To put it simply...I do not see him. I have nightmares of running into him when my children are with me.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Hit "post answer" too quick. I just want to say you are a strong woman.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:48 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I, thankfully, was never abused. I just want to say that you are strong. Also, I have a question. Do you think he is or was or has done the same thing to your sisters?

    Answer by Mena929 at 2:55 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I wasn't abused like that, I was isolated from everyone til I got married at the age of 17 then my husband took over the isolations part and then he proceeded to hit me which was only twice, but that was two times too many. He was always calling me names and making fun of me, and making sure that I was in tears all of the time. He almost killed my baby. One day when he was sick (the baby) he was crying all of the time and I was trying to comfort him. My husband snatched him out of my arms and threw him in his bed(a cardboard box) and threw a sleeping bag over the top of him to make him stop crying. He stopped alright, he even stopped breathing. We wound up taking him(my DS) to the hospital. To make a long story short. He is ok now and has a son of his own. I don't look at my abuser nor do I talk to him, or have anything to do with him.

    Answer by stitchintime at 2:56 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • They both are happy with their relationship & have assured me nothing has happened. He is verbally hard on them sometimes but I trust they would tell me if otherwise.

    Thank you both & anon, you're a strong woman also. It's a tough thing to live with.

    Comment by Marix3 (original poster) at 2:57 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Stitchintime, I'm so sorry to hear that & i'm so happy your DS is okay & you both made it out!

    Comment by Marix3 (original poster) at 2:59 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • sorry you are hurting . Yes you will ALWAYS be worried/concerned with young ones around him. That NEVER GOES AWAY.
    Stay away from them opposite sides of the room. It will never GO away .

    Just a few Questions for you also. HE was an ARMY Man??? WHY/ HOW did HE get to stay home from this duty???
    School/CPS : they didnt find anything??? Why would they allow u all to stay there like that with all the bruises, clothing, etc??

    Always in my prayers sweetie

    Answer by kkbird at 3:04 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I'm not sure of the situation since I was 3 but I know that when he came home with my mom, he was done with his time in the army. As far as CPS goes, they never spoke to me directly. Him & my mom wouldn't let them & led them to believe I was a liar even though I never said anything. My teachers & the parents of kids I went to school with knew I was being abused one way or another & called for themselves. CPS just never did anything. It still blows my mind.

    Comment by Marix3 (original poster) at 3:06 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • You are a good person and a strong woman to help your mother even though she failed you so badly as a child. You are much kinder than I could be in that situation.

    I don't see my abuser. He went to jail for what he did to me and I went there to tell him, while it was safe and he could not get his hands on me again, it was most definitely over. Stop calling and writing or I'd be contacting the prosecutor. I saw him a couple of times after he got out and I got married and moved out of town. Once my DH was with me and suddenly the tough guy wasn't so tough. I had nightmares and flashbacks for a long time. I still have the occassional heartstopping moment when I see someone who looks like him but for the most part, he is a bad memory only.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:44 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Would it help you to confront him? Personally I would. Every time I saw him I would confront him with some of the horrible ugly truth of what he did to me. My sarcasm my anger my loathing of him would be evident in every word I spoke to him. If I had to be around him for any length of time I would relive every horrible thing he did to me.
    How does he act when he's around you? Does he talk to you? Does he look you in the eye?
    I wouldn't and couldn't keep quiet. I'm sure its not the way most people would handle it but its what I know I would do IF I had to see him.

    Answer by meooma at 3:50 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

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