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Is love and attraction something you really have to work at? Or should it just bet there?

I have been struggeling with this for a while, over a year now. What I going through is this..... I have not felt IN LOVE to my husband for over a year. I haven't been attracted to him this long either. When he attempts to hug, kiss or be affectionate with me it's almost like I am repulsed. I think to myself, Stop touching me. When I kiss him I can't wait for it to be over. Sex, when I did it, it was to appease his whining that I don't want to be with him. He knew things were this way. Then in January, after other issues, things just erupted and I said I am done. We seperated officially. Been living seperately since before that actually. A couple weeks ago I said I would go to counseling with him. We spent a bunch of time together for about 9 days straight, attempting to see if I could change how I felt. I didn't. I am still not wanting bothered to even be touched. We were in the same house for a few days and didn't sleep in the same bed and to me I think a married couple should WANT to be touched, kissed, loved, be in the same bed. Instead I could care less. I did date a few people during our months of seperation and did eventually feel that attraction again. To me that said Hey, you are capable of feeling happy to hug someone, excited to kiss someone, and just miss someone. That to me said, well, at least you know you are capable of feeling these emotions. My husband is very persistant. Insists that he made me fall in love with him once, he can do it again. He thinks if he looses weight, gets a steady job, turns his act around I will be in love and attracted to him. I told him it's not about loosing 20 pounds, or making more money...... being in love and attracted to someone is a mental connection.
My real question is, have you ever fallen out of love and been able to fall back in love with the same person? Have you ever felt repulsed by your spouses touch, but over time appreciated it again?
I am going to try counseling with him. But don't know how a counselor can make you fall in love. I am not affraid to be open and honest either, so I will give the therapy 100%. As I give him my honest feelings, so it won't be info he has never heard or doesn't know from observation either.


Asked by 2BlondeBabies at 6:27 PM on Apr. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Level 25 (23,069 Credits)
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Answers (10)
  • I wondering the same thing. The only difference is we're not married but we do have a daughter together and we have been on and off for a few months now. We are together at the moment and I really want it to work but I just can't seem to get my feelings and love back. When I do say "I love you" I just don't feel like I mean it. I love him as the father of my child but I just don't think I'm "in love" with him anymore. I really do want us to work but I don't know if it will last for long. He has a general idea about how I feel because he has told me that I've been distant. And I know he can feel something is wrong. At times I feel really bad because he does everything he can to show me that he loves me and would do anything for me. I want to do the same but I can't lie or deny my true feelings. Why does it have to be so hard?! When he touches me I just want him to stop and when he kisses me I'm grossed out.

    Answer by BuzzyBee21 at 8:30 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • It's WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK. Love is a choice, and an action not just a feeling. BOTH of you have to be on board and 50/50 is crap. BOTH people have to give their 100% to each other.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:33 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Yes, over the span of my (near) 26 year of marriage, and all that has entailed, I have fallen out of love and back in love with my husband.

    Yes. It is work.. Love is an action.. The feelings we have stem from our thoughts.. Want to feel love, one must act on love and think "love".. How we feel about our spouses, and our desire to be wit our spouses, is greatly impacted and influenced by our we THINK about our spouses. How we feel our love stems from how we think about and view that love. If one is repulsed and they just accepted it. Then they will feel repulsed.however, If one wants to be with that person they can look deep within themselves, figure out where that repulsion is stemming from, and then work to reverse it.

    Cont. below

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:40 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Falling in love and having those "in love" feelings. Is also due to actions. We "fall in love" because of the other parties and our own actions. We as humans actively work at someone falling in love with us. We show them our best sides (to begin we do what we can to show how much we love them, we (as humans) do what we can to show that "Hey I am THE one.. Love me..Be with me..Spend your life with me". It's the actions/interactions of the 2 people that create those "in love" feelings/fall in love.In order for a couple to continue feeling that feeling through the years, they must actively work together to create and trigger those feelings. Love that is not nurtured, tended to, and encouraged slowly dies.

    Recapturing those feelings can be done. It doesn't happen overnight, it's not always easy, however if a couple works together they can accomplish it. It takes wanting to (both of them), and putting in the effort

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:44 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Absolutely . . it does come back. Most married couples go in and out of attraction . . . in and out of conlict . . . that is just human nature. What "attracts" you to a person is so much more than you think. Most of what causes us to be "attracted" is invisible to us, actually. So, you really don't know if A or B changed, how you would feel.

    Also, your hormones DO settle. On both sides. It can never be like you felt when you were 17 because hormonally, that is impossible.

    If you love each other, stick with it . . work to get that connection again. It is sooooo worth it.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 6:56 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • 2 years ago my husband lost his job and was out of work for about 6 months and I wanted to kill him. He was getting on my nerves so much that I called my SIL and asked her to come down to go shopping with me for my DD's christening gown, thinking that he would stay home with his brother but no, he had to come with us and in the same car. I text my mom and asked her what do I do in this case cause I just didn't want to be around him anymore. She said suck it up we have a kid together and I should stay. I'm glad I listened because I love him so much we were just going through a bad stage in our lives but if you are truly unhappy don't stay. You will only make yourself less happy and why stay for only him.

    Answer by Mom1127-0125 at 8:37 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • Love is work! Its easy to say Im done and leave him with out love. But to really love some one it takes alot of work being able to over come the things that irratate you in a marriage. But attraction I think should just be there.

    Answer by ArmyWife112908 at 9:19 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • I felt that way about my exhusband I literally felt like crying when he was on top of me, truth is over the course of our marriage I saw who he was and who he was turning into and I honestly WAS repulsed by him. I got a divorce and am now with a man that no matter how mad I get or irritated wow all he has to do is give me a look, pick up our son, puts his hands at his waist so his pants show that muscle on his hips and so many other things and I go weak in the knees. I think when's its not only true love but true like no matter how irritated u get the attraction will be there. So IMO I think you should move on, tell him youll be friends and heal from this and hopefully you'll do better next time. GL!

    Answer by rhonda111787 at 6:32 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • But I just don't want him to leave. It's like I only want him for the company. I don't know. Help!!!

    Answer by BuzzyBee21 at 8:33 PM on Apr. 13, 2011

  • love has its ups and downs things come and go but if u give up u will never know if its true my grandparents were married 59 years hated each other when people were around but loved each other with all their hearts and when i asked if they would do it all again they said in the blink of an eye dont be so quick to quit

    Answer by jimenez123415 at 11:56 PM on Apr. 13, 2011