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How should I handle my in laws when it comes to troubling issues they have that directly affect my husband?

Should I have a voice since I'm the one that has to live with the stress my husband goes through when his parents or siblings are having issues? Sometimes when he's stressed he takes it out on me and as much as it might hurt my feelings, I do understand that tends to happen in relationships. Not that it makes it right. Should I stay out of it and let my husband figure it out and just continue to be supportive? Or should I be involving myself, like letting them know that their problems are causing him undue stress which in turn gets us into marital problems? I just feel that his family sometimes can't handle adult life without dragging others into it (mostly dragging my husband) and it just turns into a huge mess that stresses me out along with him. I don't want to alienate them either or offend anyone but they don't have to live my husband either.

 
JAlonso

Asked by JAlonso at 2:47 AM on Apr. 14, 2011 in Relationships

Level 3 (17 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • I'm sorry this is happening to you, but having dealt w/a very similar issue, here are my thoughts -
    IDK what it is the in-laws are involving your DH in so it may not be as simple as the advice I'm about to give, but that is for you & him to decide. W/my DH, it wasn't something that had anything to do w/him so eventually he just had to refuse to get involved. He listens when they call, but he doesn't comment & he doesn't interfere. In a case like that, your DH has a choice whether he wants to get involved or not. It's harder sometimes than others to do that, but since my DH been doing this he's been a lot happier & we've been a lot happier as a couple. On the other hand, if it is something that directly involves him & he can't get out of it, maybe it would be best to diplomatically let his family know just how much it's affecting him & your marriage. Maybe they'll cool it & if not, then you & DH just need to keep the...(con't)
    SpiffySnaps

    Answer by SpiffySnaps at 3:19 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Wow this is a hard one. If you interfere you are a nosy bitch. If you don't you are not taking care of your man.
    How will your interfering help or change things. Will it just cause more stress on a bad stuation?
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 3:02 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • lines of communication open. Let him know it's not fair when he takes his frustration out on you and that you are trying to be supportive, but it makes it difficult when he's misplacing his frustration onto you. I know guys don't typically like to talk about what's bothering them, but he's got a choice - keep snapping at you and end up making things worse or let you know what's going on in his head so you can help him better. If he can't avoid the situation with his family altogether or kind of take a back seat in it, then the only thing left to do is cope with it and that means LETTING you be there for him. He doesn't even have to talk...just don't push eachother away. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? Use it as a tool to help your marriage get stronger rather than a wedge that will eventually drive you apart. I hope this helps :) Sorry it was so long.
    SpiffySnaps

    Answer by SpiffySnaps at 3:23 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Unfortunately the solution has to come from your husband. If I were in your shoes I would tell my man how I feel and ask him to set some boundaries in these relationships. If he weren't able to do this I would help him find the help he needs. If you don't have the kind of relationship where you can have this sort of discussion with your man than work on that first! In the end all in law problems come down to one thing... Where do your SO's loyalty lie. Most people never want to make this decision but you have to to make your marriage work.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 9:06 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I could have written this. We go through this same thing all the time. The IL's are incapable of grasping DH is a grown man with his own family and he doesn't need to solve their problems. I know how tempting it is to get involved, especially since it causes marital problems because I've been there too, but if you do you're the bitch who is trying to tear them apart. If you stay apart from it that means you're uncaring and not a part of the family. This is a no win situation. The only thing I can suggest is to sit down and calmly and civily tell him it's not right to take out frustrations on you and if he feels the need to do so, he needs to take it up with his family. That is what I have started doing. Your DH needs to figure out who is more important, wife and children, or mom, dad and siblings. I know how hard it is. Hang in there.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:57 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Thank you ladies for the advice! It is so hard to not step in and just let his family have it, because what they are doing is driving us apart. And yes, it would definitely make me look like a bitch. All of the crap they bring really has nothing to do with us 99% of the time and hubby's way too nice to put his foot down and I certainly don't want to do it for him otherwise it'd make him look less than a man. Real ego buster. But I will try harder to be calm and talk to him as an equal adult in this marriage and hope he sees what's most important. I can only pray the rest of his family realize that they are adults and need to solve their own issues instead of dragging us into them at every turn. Thank you all!
    JAlonso

    Comment by JAlonso (original poster) at 7:39 PM on Apr. 14, 2011