Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

What to do about conflict with daughter over supervision and house rules? Please share yours...

DD, 16 told me she thinks I am overprotective, which, of course, makes me think hmmm...why do you protest? The rules we have unsupervised visits with boys (and, we encourage group dates), we check with parents of a house she may want to go over to verify they are home, no riding in cars with teens unless we clear it, sometimes shut the computer if we feel they've been on it or distracted by it too much, we will check up on grades if I see they're slipping, and address the issue directly. I told her the house rules may not be what you like, but they are there for your protection and because we love you and want what's best for you. She said you don't trust me and I think, why am I supposed to trust you 100%? You are a teenager. You have to earn my trust and keep on earning it. And you will still have some rules here, even when you are an adult. I am not a monster, I am a parent! Why do our teens not appreciate limits? Or are they supposed to challenge because of peer pressure? What are your house rules?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:07 AM on Apr. 14, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (15)
  • YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PARENT! I love your house rules. So many parents seem to not want to upset their kids by applying rules. I think you are just awesome.
    The rules in my parents house when I was growing up were very similar to those and I intend to apply very similar rules when my daughter gets to that age.
    Keep strong. Teenagers are supposed to challenge authority. It's what they do. We have all done it. She will understand later in life why you do what you do.

    Answer by Dalimonster at 8:10 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Tell her that, as an adult, you have a bit more wisdom than she as to what she is mature enough to handle, and that it is your duty to protect her from her own immaturity. We had very strict rules at our house, and only the oldest went through a period when he rebelled against them. That was due mostly to a little gal he took up with who had absolutely no rules. She was from a divorced home, had her own car at 16, and floated back and forth between her parents' homes so that nobody paid much attention to where she was nor to whom she was with. She tried to convince him that we were treating him like a baby, did not want him to grow up, yada, yada, yada. I "helped him" catch her in a lie, and they "broke up." She had an illegitimate child, then married and divorced several times. I think she is now on husband #4. Our son married at the age of 24 and has a stable home. Keep your rules in place and be at peace!!!!

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:17 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • My house rules revolve around safety, respect, and honesty. I try to trust my kids until they prove me wrong, and they all know lying is probably the one thing that will get them in the most trouble. Other than that based on their ages I try to allow them to be independent and to think for themselves and hope they all make good choices. Believe me it doesn't always work out but that's how I handle it. I do think that everyone has to parent based on their own gut and their own personality so I don't think any way is wrong. What works for some won't work for others.

    Answer by MommaKath1975 at 8:18 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I think they do appreciate limits, they just are programmed to argue about them. We have rules here but by the time my kids are 17 they have alot more freedom because they are so close to being adults I feel they need to know how to handle themselves independently. All of my kids by the time they are 17 have an extended cerphew, can date if they have a car and a license of their own, are expected to hold down a part time job, good grades and all of that. If they break my trust I can take things from them. My son who is currently 17 has asked me why I dont care about him anymore lol. He is used to be being on him all the time. I told him well youre 17 and off to college next year and I am trying to give you a sense of what itll be like. So, they do appreciate it.

    Answer by gemgem at 8:20 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I love your house rules. The same are in my home. My sons dad and I are divorced and my ex has complained to me so much about them, not my son mind you but his dad. I told him it was my house and to butt the hell out. my son knows the rules and understands. He has a friend that can come over when i'm not home because he grew up with that friend. No girls unless there is adult here. I have explained to him what all could happen. say they get to playing around or rough housing and the girl gets bumped or hit or something. Anything could be said. Like he molested her or something else. I told him we are making sure that dons NOT happen. He doesn't run bcak and forth from his dad to me, although I do know of teens that do, do that. His dad doesn't even talk to him, except once every 2 or 3 months and we live in the same town. I told him that I want him to get a good education and make something of himself/

    Answer by Angela_1974 at 8:31 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I think there is nothing wrong with your house rules either. But a few questions that might be food for thought. How often are you checking her grades? If you are checking then constantly then yes she will feel untrusted. I check once a month, address it, let them know what will happen if it isn't brought up and then recheck a month later. During that time I remind nicely that I hope they have it under control. I want them to take responsibility but they also know that there will be a consequence and that it is their choice which way it will go.

    Computer time is up to them, the only time I step in is if family time is effected or grades are being disturbed, even then they are warned and again what happens is up to them. No boys and no car rides I agree with, no questions on that one.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 12:13 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • How ever do you check everyone's house every times she is going over to someones house? Then that might be excessive, what has to be remembered is that in 2 very short years she is going to be 18 and until she makes some mistakes when it comes to making choices she will never learn. Part of our job isn't just protecting them, but being their for them when they do screw up so that way when they are on their own they now what to do in certain circumstances. It's like with little ones, we can tell them over and over again to stop climbing on a chair cause they are going to fall, but until they actually fall they don't truly understand the consequence. That doesn't mean have no rules, find your core rules..rules that aren't negotiable and work with her on the other stuff. Let her fly a little she just might surprise you. I know for the most part mine did.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 12:17 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • This is definitely normal, as my boys got older they were allowed more freedom. My younger son just turned 13 but gets upset because his older brother who is 16 has more freedom (well duh he's 16).
    My rules are pretty similar to yours, I have three Stay Safe, Keep In Touch and Show respect. They pretty much encompass everything. My 16 yr old was questioning this a little over a year ago, we had a long talk about expectations and why I have the rules I do. In the end I made him cry only because of how often I expressed how much I really loved him...since then we haven't had an issues with rules or expectations.
    My boys are granted a lot of freedom (my town is so small), but I do check grades, they do have chores, up until recently there was no riding with friends, I do need to know where they are, the more I trust them the more freedom they get. They told me their friends parents are overprotective but I'm perfect.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 1:49 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • lol well since im only 18 i would say those rules are a little much....i mean if shes done nothing to make you not trust her why not give her more privileges? just because shes a teen doesnt mean shes going to go out and be stupid, you should trust that YOU have been a good parent and taught her right and to not do stupid stuff

    that is what i wished my dad did but nope he accused me of doing EVERYTHING, when in fact i have never done one thing he accused me of

    Answer by Lizzypuppylove at 2:26 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Well, my daughter seems to want to not have to be supervised with boys and that is not an option, at least right now. I know so many people in town and I am a part time teacher in the local school system, I have found out she has recently lied to me after I did give her more freedom and we believe she may be heading into some risky behavior. She is very dramatic! She knows we are on to her, and we are trying to let her correct herself before she gets burned. She refuses to drive and therefore, get a job. I don't check her grades at all, she checks them herself, but my son's, I do since he is prone to "forgetting" to hand in hw. He recently lost an expensive social studies book. I don't call every time she's going somewhere, but if it's with people I've never met I will for sure. I keep in touch with texting. I have a good sense of humor and laugh a lot with my kids! As I said I'm not a monster!

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:18 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.