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3 Bumps

How to come to a compromise?

My SO is not my children's father. We have progressed to a point where we are contemplating living together/marriage, which means that he will have an active role in raising my kids with me. The problem is he thinks I don't discipline them enough, and I think he's at the other end of the spectrum and is too hard on them (in discussing what he would do if he were to discipline them). I know that I am their mother, and that in the end, I decide how they are raised. But, if we're going to be together like this, he has to have some say in how things happen in the home, since it's his home too and he would be paying the majority of the rent and bills.

I am not willing to allow him to be too hard on my kids. But I also don't want to just throw it all away over this if it's something that could be resolved.

Does anyone who has a blended family have any advice for how we can talk about this and find a solution that makes everyone, him, me and kids, happy?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:53 AM on Apr. 14, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • I do not have a blended family but I can see your point. Before you go and make it official there are things you need to clear up with him and come to some sort of compromise and meet him halfway as far as discipline is concerned.

    older

    Answer by older at 9:58 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • First off you're going to hear a lot of Moms tell you he shouldn't have any say in it.... My Hubby is stepdad to all 3 of our boys and he has an equal say in everything. If we didn't back each other on everything the kids would see that and then it would create more problems. Now with that said, if we don't agree on what the other wants to do then we go in our room, talk about it, without the kids present, come to a resolution, and then return to the child/children and give out the discipline together. We have to be a united front, or it's just not going to work. We never disagree about discipline in front of our boys, and have found this to be very affective. As long as you know he's going to be fair, and think through the discipline , and include you, and you're willing to back each other up, then things should work out fine.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 10:00 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I would seriously rethink moving in with someone with such different parenting philosophies. Or get some counseling before you subject your kids to the sort of turmoil that will swirl around the type of arguments that this brings.
    adnilm

    Answer by adnilm at 10:04 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I guess the thing I want to know is where is their Dad? I have been a stepmom, and honestly I never spanked my SS, I was the go to person for minor infractions, anything BIG I wanted his Dad to take care of it, because he is not my child,,, I think you had better consider some pre-marital counseling, and if your not on the same page,, I wouldn't move in with him,,,honestly I think you should be married before you move in together,, I am not opposed to living together when you don't have kids, but you have to think about the example your going to set.. I would never never be with someone who might put their hands on my kid! Any thing of a spanking nature should be left to you and your ex.. it isn't your SO right to do that,, don't put your kiddos through something they shouldn't have to be put in,, What is their feelings about him now?
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:24 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • both of you make out a list of ways you think the kids should be disciplined & go through each thing & weight the pro's & con's of each one from both your point of views. So each of you make a pro & con list for each thing you listed & then compare them & discuss them.

    Take turns going down your lists & take turns speaking & listening to each other. If you want compromise, you have to understand the others point of view without getting upset.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 10:27 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Their father walked away from them about 6 years ago. He pays no child support, does not call/write/visit. He's had nothing to do with them in 6 years, and very little before that.

    My kids adore my SO.

    I try to talk to him about this kind of stuff, but he's...difficult? It's like anytime I bring up a problem, he ignores what I say and brings up some issue that he has with me or my kids. Like he doesn't want to admit he could possibly be wrong. And I understand no one likes to hear that they are doing/saying something someone else doesn't like, I know I certainly don't, but none of us are perfect and it seems like he wants to think he is.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:08 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I wouldn't do it. He's made it very clear that he isn't interested in anything you have to say about YOUR KIDS on this subject. This will defnitely be a huge problem in this relationship if you blend your family. I wouldn't do it to my children and I wouldn't do it to myself, it's way too stressful.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 11:30 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I wouldn't do it. He's made it very clear that he isn't interested in anything you have to say about YOUR KIDS on this subject. This will defnitely be a huge problem in this relationship if you blend your family. I wouldn't do it to my children and I wouldn't do it to myself, it's way too stressful.

    ^This exactly.
    wildflowers25

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 11:33 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I think that MrsLeftLane has this problem figured out. I think she's had probably the best experience with a blended family situation that I have ever heard of. And I also agree with Meooma. If he is not listening to you about how to treat and raise YOUR kids now, before he move in, the problem is not going to resolve itself and it will most likely not get better. I know you and your kids love him, but this type of problem tends to get in between couples and if he is not willing to listen now, he won't want to listen later. I'm sorry, I know that 's probably not what you wanted to hear. But if he doesn't want to compromise, it's not going to work.
    Dalimonster

    Answer by Dalimonster at 11:38 AM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Well, we are a "blended" family, I hate that word lol. My DH does have stickter discipline than me. His son is almost 9 and mine is 5 1/2 and we've been together 5 years, also have a DD together now. I do strongly recommed living together prior to getting married, that way you know exactly how it will go. For us we really didn't discuss these issues in great detail, like if my son does this he should have said punishment. What we did agree is spanking issues, and respect for adults where the kids are concerned. DH is the type, well was the type (I'm softening him a litle lol) that you tell a child no one time, regardless or age, and the second time its a spank, well I did not and do not agree, a 3 yo needs to be told 100 times before they get it. The difference with us is that my DS father is involved a great deal and my step sons mother is involved. My son also has a step mom he calls mom, and I expect her cont...
    yesmaam

    Answer by yesmaam at 12:29 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

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