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How do I tell my 10 year old DD that I do not want her to be friends with a certain girl?

My DD has a close friend at school that I don't agree with her having. This is not the first time this has happened, but the others fizzled out on their own. I cannot control who she talks to at school, so I have tried to talk with her about the friends that she chooses, but she is still very naive about it. This girl seems nice, but I know her family (we all went to the same school and the whole family is this way) and they are very trashy, irresponsible people. The girl has even told me stories about her dad that make me cringe. I realize this girl did not choose her family and I shouldn't judge her for who they are, but I think that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree in most cases. I feel bad for her, but I feel very strongly about this. My DD is having a bday party in about a month and I do not want this girl to be invited because I don't want to enable them to be friends. I think this may be unfair to ask of my DD because it is her party. Should I allow this girl to come? If not, what is a good way to handle it without making my DD resent me for it?

Asked by at 1:06 PM on Apr. 14, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 8 (225 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • I would invite her. Since she comes from the background that she does, you have the opportunity to show her another kind of family. I would not, however, allow my child to visit in their home. So if your child is invited there, then you will have to explain that not all families maintain the same standards and that you can't allow her to go there for that reason. By allowing this child to be friends with yours, you will be giving her an opportunity to choose differently for herself when the time comes. You can use it for a teaching opportunity with your own child, too, so it's really the best of both worlds.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:11 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I do realize we all want our kids to have friends that don't influence them in a way in which we don't particularly agree. But, in the same turn, you should also trust in what you have taught your DD. Did it ever occur to you that this particular girl may benefit from the friendship with your DD? It can work both ways. So, this girl isn't welcome at your DD's birthday party because of her family's living conditions? A bit judgemental. Maybe time with your family will help this girl learn a better way of living for her future. How do people pull themselves out of their family's past if other people don't show them the way?

    Answer by specialwingz at 1:12 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Be honest, tell her why... Don't hold back anything!

    Personally: I would let her be friends with the girl, the needs someone outside of her family to be there for her to help her see that this "trashy" way of life isn't the only option. Just make sure DD knows she is not allowed over at said friends house

    Answer by zoejains_momma at 1:10 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • that poor little girl! it's not her fault and here you are being judgemental towards her for her families lifestyle. I don' t care if you don't agree on what the parents do that has nothing to do with that little girl. Maybe she needs a positive influence in her life and maybe she needs a friend. From what i'm guessing you're from a smalltown right? Maybe if ppl would stop gossiping and talking trash on their family they would have the confidence to change. No you don't have to allow your child over to play at her house but you can atleast grow up and be more respectful towards this little girl. Think about how you would feel if you were this little girl and was forced to be an outcast only because of the way your family is.

    Answer by chica679 at 1:37 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • You tell her not to hang with her and she will out of spite. How dare you judge this poor little girl by her parents choices. Give the girl the benefit of the doubt.

    Answer by pookiekins34 at 1:08 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • That is really terrible.

    Answer by mompam at 2:01 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I understand where these negative responses are coming from, but I don't think that me wanting what is best for my DD is wrong of me. I may have been judging a book by its cover, but I never said anything bad about this girl and I have treated her like I would any of my DD's friends. I am from a small town, but I'm not basing my opinion off of rumors, only facts that I have seen with my own eyes and heard from this girls own mouth. I asked this question to get some insight, so I'm obviously unsure about the situation.

    Comment by (original poster) at 2:46 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Unless this friend is having a negative influence on your daughter, you need to stay out of it and let her chose who her friends are. I just hope your daughter isn't as judgemental as you are. How would you feel if someone was judging your daughter on something she had no control over? Instead of being so judgemental, give this girl somewhere that she can get a positive influence. I know people that came from less than perfect homes and became very successful adults.

    My son is in high school and I don't pick his friends and I don't comment on their home lives, he needs to learn how to pick his own friends. The ONLY time I will step in is if the friend is a bad influence.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:59 AM on Apr. 15, 2011