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Have You Ever Competed for a Baby?

We are adopting two little girls from the foster care system. They are very young. Because of their ages, their foster parents didn't feel they could handle taking their newborn sister also. So, she was placed in a separate foster home at birth. Just 3 weeks after she was born and placed, we were matched with the two we're adopting. We requested to adopt the newborn also. We firmly believe that siblings need to stay together unless there's a compelling reason why they shouldn't be. In this case, there's no reason why they should be separate. The other foster family also wants to adopt the newborn, separate from her sisters. So, now we compete. In the meantime, we are not able to see the newborn until/unless we're the chosen family. The whole situation is very stressful not just for us but for the other foster family, I'm sure. However, I don't feel bad for them nor do I feel guilty for wanting this baby. They knew going into this that there would be the chance that another family would want the baby to stay with her sisters. I just don't know how they can love and bond with this baby, knowing that it may come to an end. At the same time, I agonize about the fact that each passing day is another day wasted that these sisters won't have a chance to get to love and bond with one another. Selfishly, it's another day that we miss out on bonding with her and witnessing her growth and milestones. She'll probably be near a year old by the time the dust settles on the competing. Even then, there's no guarantees that we'll be her family. If the state chooses the other family then we will have to have sibling visits for the next 17 years. This is 17 years of having to see the other family. I already feel like they view us as baby snatchers and we've never even met yet. There's no doubt that they despise us for even wanting to take the baby from them. At the same time, I just don't understand how anybody with a conscience would want to keep siblings separate, wanting to adopt the cute little newborn but leave the older two behind. Personally, I think it's selfish. It's selfish of them to keep these siblings from truly knowing each other.
I'm just frustrated and needed to vent.

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Asked by BetterWithAge at 10:28 PM on Apr. 14, 2011 in Adoption

Level 8 (254 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • I agree i think the siblings should stay together. I think courts like siblings if possible to stay together.

    Answer by angelrach86 at 10:32 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I agree that it is selfish of the other couple to only want the newborn and not her sisters. I wish you tons of good luck, and I hope the girls can all stay together.

    Answer by Eek_a_Geek at 10:39 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • Was the foster family given the chance to adopt the older sisters? What state are they located in? What are the ages of the older sisters? We fought with a foster family over a child, different circumstances...

    Answer by TiffyTaffy79 at 10:56 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • I wouldn't think of you as competing for a baby. I would call it advocating for these siblings. I think most people would agree that they should be together if at all possible. Hopefully it will be decided quickly and the children can all grow up together. GL!

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:47 PM on Apr. 14, 2011

  • You also went in knowing you might not get things exactly the way you want them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:37 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Good conscience and adoption wants rarely go together.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:31 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • You said it the first time - unless there is a compelling reason your family will not meet the needs of this child, this child should be placed in your home with biological siblings. Most social service case managers would also agree. But if tge current foster family hired an independent lawyer, in many states after so many months the foster parents can hire an independent adoption lawyer to advocate for their rights, then it gets messy. However, a family court judge would also need some very compelling documentation and history to believe your home, the home with current biological siblings, is not the best fit for this child. Sometimes social services and foster care is not the hold up. It is sometimes the foster parents who truly believe they are the better fit that may slow things down.

    Answer by frogdawg at 2:41 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • That's very interesting frogdawg. I had no idea that foster parents had any rights regarding the child they are fostering.

    Answer by onethentwins at 4:33 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • In my state it is after four months of a foster child living in the home. It is not widely known, even by case workers. I stumbled on it by accident. I checked in to it and sur enough. In most states you can after a specific length of time. It is designed for current foster parents to have their say separate from social services.

    Answer by frogdawg at 1:10 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • hugs


    Answer by mamawilbur at 2:02 AM on Apr. 18, 2011

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