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2 Bumps

Stressed to the max..... (stepkids)

My step children are coming for a summer visit. Their mother has not allowed them to come to our house in several years. There are accusations of abuse and neglect, that NEVER happened. Yes I yell with that many kids I had no idea how to handle some rowdy, out of control situations other than yelling. I know I need to work on that, but I would never hurt them!!! 1 stepchild backs me up, 2 others do not. The oldest that doesn't even belong to my husband (but he raised that child as his own) is the instigator. I don't know what to do. My husband will be at work and they will be staying with me and I refuse to be ran over by his kids and I do not want more stories made up about me, on the other hand I don't want to keep my husband from his kids. So what is a possible solution????????


Asked by Anonymous at 9:01 AM on Apr. 15, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • As a step mom of 3 teens..I understand where your coming from. I know that you must be feeling kind of overwhelmed and worried about the upcoming summer and may even be dreaded it. As hard as it may be ...try this. Think positive about it.Try to make yourself look forward to it.Make plans to do activities together with tht ekids during the day that will be fun for them.When they call thier dad tell them you are looking so forward to seeing them and having them stay the summer with you.Ask them if they have any ideas of somethign special they'd like to do.Picnics,parks,beaches,zoo,amusement can be a lot of fun. Of course, its not going to be perfect and they may sass you a little..try not to take it to heart.Deal with it when the time comes.You may be suprised what a wonderful relationship you can build with them.Good Luck. Hope this helps.

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 10:15 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Whisper. Don't yell. If you feel you are losing control - leave the room - compose yourself - come back to the situation - be consistent.
    And remember when they act like young children - treat them like small children - put them in the corner.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 9:05 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Post the house rules. Go over them with your husband and the kids in a family meeting. Let the kids know the consequences of not following the rules. Take away THE most important thing to them for an appropriate time as a punishment. Each child has that one thing that is most important to them. And it may not be a toy or object but an activitiy, etc. You don't mention their ages, but that's what worked for our kids. Try to stop the yelling and simply be matter of fact and as calm as you can be. Be consistent and follow through. GL

    Answer by elizabr at 9:09 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Find some coping methods so you dont lose control and yell.

    Answer by gemgem at 9:14 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Yes, you didn't mention ages. I know I didn't prompt my boys into misbehaving when they visited dad in summers - but I always got the phone call "you let them disrespect....they are so rude...." what it boiled down to (at ages 9 and 5) they wanted mom and dad back together so they misbehaved to make "HER go away" (from the 9 yo). Maybe since years have gone by things will be different. I would list the house rules and then treat them as you do your own children. If you tuck yours in tuck his in. Just a touch on the arm at bed time if your not comfy huggin them yet. Have them help out with dinners etc. They need to feel a part of the family. AND establish with your husband that NEITHER of you will give them special treatment nor do things beyond your means (ie a week at Disney). I'm a yeller also and some days I have to count to 100000000 so I don't yell :)

    Answer by brypmom at 9:22 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Get in your car and lock the doors and scream when you have to. Kill them with kindness. Be the nicest step mom you can be even if you just don't want to. They wont know what to do. You may be suprised how they are and how your relationship grows.

    Answer by spagirl0426 at 9:24 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Make it CLEAR TO EVERYONE (your husband, his kids, their mother) that it is YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. Plain and simple. Don't back down.

    Answer by Kari727 at 9:34 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • I will certainly try all of these suggestions, I tried them before but to no evail and ended up raising my voice and stressing over the absence of respect and love. They HATE me with a passion because I am not mommy. 14, 12 and 9

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:59 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • You are in a tough spot, one with their ages and two, that they don't visit regularly. I'm all for the "family meeting" thing but what it boils down to is that you will be alone with them. If they get the idea that they only have to PRETEND to respect you when their dad is around, that's all they'll do is pretend. Whatever you do try your hardest NOT to treat them like "his" kids and try to treat them like yours i know its not easy. Just try to think of it like kids in school mentality, if they don't feel like part of the group they can rebel and get into more trouble. So like someone else had said try to include them and make them feel like you NEED their help so everyone can have a great summer visit. GL

    Answer by Genice6 at 10:17 AM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Is there any kind of activity you could have them do during the day, bored minds make for trouble, perhaps they could go to some kind of camp/clinic a couple of times a week, I would have my husband have a meeting upon their arrival and say we are so happy/thankful you all are here,, but we have a few rules,, and don't yell, I would calmly address any situation that comes up, and if it is an "in your face" kind of thing, have your husband deal with it when he gets home,, I know our Y has lots of daytime programs for kids of all ages,, good luck momma

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:23 AM on Apr. 15, 2011