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Should I get a divorce or work on the relationship?

My husband and I have been toghether for 9 years 2 of which we have been married. I recently found a profile of him on which he said that he didn't post but facebook did it. But the real problems we have are lack of love. He told me that he dosen't have to show me I am apprecaited. We don't hug or kiss eachother and we hardly spend time together. We were out one night and I attempted to kiss him and he pulled away!!! We don't have date nights or anything like that. He thinks all I do is nag becuase I ask him to help keep the house clean. he works mon thru fri and I work on the weekends 36 hours so iI am home during the week with the kids. (we have 3). I love him and don't want to lose him but i can't keep living like this. I need to know that I am loved and wanted. I feel so empty inside. Has anybody else experinced this?

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Asked by OSCAR1120 at 1:15 PM on Apr. 15, 2011 in Relationships

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I'd certainly tell him what' I'm thinking so he can have a chance to compromise.

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:21 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Are you married to my ex? JK. My ex was that way. After 25+ waaaay too long years, I just couldn't take it anymore. With us, there was way more than just the lack of affection from him. He had cheated on me numerous times throughout our marriage. He has just failed his 2nd marriage & landed himself in jail to boot. Me - I'm now with my childhood sweetheart & we are having the time of our lives! Nobody can tell you whether or not you should get divorced. Many will try. But, truly, this is something only YOU can determine in your own heart & soul. I feel your pain. I know how it feels. But, you are the one who needs to do the soul searching to know if you want to stick it out or find someone else who makes you truly happy.

    Answer by specialwingz at 1:22 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • I would stay and work on it. Happiness is more about what you give than it is about what you get. Part of the problem in your marriage is that you are almost never together. It is very difficult for love to grow in that kind of environment. There are several books that I could recommend to you that will give you ideas of what you can do to help improve this relationship. FOR BETTER OR FOR BEST by Gary Smalley is excellent as is THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman. In the meantime, try to do something every day that shows your husband how much you love him. Actions really do speak louder than words, so show him. Plan things for him that will let him know that he is loved, and then don't be surprised when he starts doing the same thing. I would also stop nagging him and try asking him to help you do something, rather than asking him to take it over on his own. Would you help me with the dishes so I can be with you?

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:27 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Its not like you are asking him to mop the floors or anything... He can do something as simple as keeping the house straightened up BY THE TIME YOU GET and As far as a dating site poping up on his FB..... was it a name you recognized>>> cause It COULD BE HIM... and b/che did click on this sight even just to see what it was will continue to pop up for advertising purposes.

    Answer by kkbird at 1:27 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Well first of all I believe he is lying - If facebook randomly placed personal ads in a local "meet up" site you'd have a lot of relationships ruined. He is TOTALLY lying to you about that. If you have made your needs clear to him and he refuses to meet them, will he go to counseling? Here is the thing - pure and simple - you can only change yourself. People grow and change over time, hopefully you grow together but sometimes you just grow apart. If his actions do not tell you that you are wanted and loved and he refuses to address it - what are you suppose to do? Just live with it because you made vows? I say NO. Being in a marriage is give and takes and ups and downs but BOTH parties have to actively participate in the giving and taking. Don't spend 25 years on an unhappy relationship like so many have done. You have kids so you have to try - but if you have tried and he doesn't reciprocate then I say - time to go.

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 1:31 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • From your question it sounds like a loveless relationship. You aren't happy and it sounds like he isn't interested in you or the marriage. Facebook DID NOT create that profile on another website unless he selected it. Sounds like lots of issues in this marriage. Sometimes a separation works because it gives everyone a chance to decide what is most important. Most of the time the relationship is over and people need to move on, which is what this sounds like to me would be your best option. Good Luck

    Answer by meooma at 1:51 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Thanks guys. For Nannyb--We do have plenty of time together. That is the thing he just never takes the time to spend with me. We are together every night mon-thurs (i work graveyards on fri sat and sun) and he wont even sit by me on the couch to watch tv. he would rather be on the computer or doing something else. KKBIRD- that is just it! I went to the website and had to manually log in with a password. I even set up an account. To do this you have to upload 3 pics of yourself and answer questions. I know for a fact that he had to sign up for it and facebook wouldn't do it. I logged onto his account and he had like 16 friends. of course all of them were female but they all were half naked to and showing their boobs. I do want to think of the kids in this situation but I don't think he is going to change. Everytime I try to talk to him he turns everything into my fault! He never mans up and takes the blame.

    Comment by OSCAR1120 (original poster) at 1:52 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • The more you say, the more it sounds like what I went through with my ex. He signed up for several "meet me" sites claiming he didn't do it. LOL. Yea, I'm stupid. NOT! As for the kids, mine who are now grown, will tell you that staying for the benefit of the kids is NOT always to their benefit. At this point, it becomes kids being raised in a "dysfunctional" relationship. Which, in turn, won't teach them about good, healthy relationships. I'm not saying you should leave. Just letting you in on my/our experience. And, giving you something else to consider.

    Answer by specialwingz at 2:07 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Kind of similar to what I'm going through. We've been married 11 years and just due to having young kids we hardly ever do anything together. He works long hours and after we get our kiddos to bed we usually go our separate ways until bedtime. Our sex life has dwindled and it's hard on me emotionally because I think he doesn't want to be with me but when I talk about it with him, he says he just needs some time to unwind and figures I do too (which I do) but then we both get carried away with our "alone time" that we kindof forget about eachother.
    Try talking to hubby, maybe he doesn't realize how much you are needing the emotional/physical contact from him and that if he's unable or unwilling to try a little harder then you will not be able to stay with him. Good luck.

    Answer by oahoah at 11:53 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

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