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So I guess my husband is an occasional smoker now :S Feeling betrayed.

And it REALLY bothers me. When he came home and told me he had smoked last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was JUST thinking the other day how happy I was that no one smoked in my house. I know I'm overreacting here, but it seriously felt like a betrayal to me, similar to how I imagine I would feel if he came home and told me he had kissed another woman. At first I insisted that he throw the rest of his cigarettes out, but then I calmed down a little and told him that I would trust him to use his judgment on this. But it still hurts me a lot. A LOT. I want to cry right now talking about it. He knows how I feel about it.

He's a grown man and I don't want to tell him what to do. I love him a lot, and he's a good guy. I just don't know how to let this go. I'm upset that he doesn't want to come to ME when he's upset or stressed, he wants to withdraw and deal with it on his own. And he used to smoke before we ever got together, and it feels right now like part of him is no longer mine because he's gone back to that.

I'm so hurt... how do I let him be him and make his own decisions without feeling like he's betraying me every time he does this?

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:10 PM on Apr. 15, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I hid my smoking from my SO because I knew he didn't like it. I would smoke at work with the other smokers and never did it at home. It was nothing against him and I eventually gave it up, only because I could walk very far without hacking. I am one who can stop for a long period of time without much of a problem and have a cig one day out of the blue. Don't take it personal.
    nmmama09

    Answer by nmmama09 at 4:27 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • It has nothing to do with you. Once you are a smoker, you are always a smoker. Cigs always look good and it is a constant battle not to have one. He lost his battle with himself. It has nothing AT ALL to do with you.
    Candi1024

    Answer by Candi1024 at 4:13 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Oye! Candi is right....once you start smoking it is HARD to quit forever...I started smoking when I was 13 {cringe} and although I've quite a hundred times and sometimes even for years.....it's always going to be an ongoing battle...I don't smoke now because I'm pregnant....I have every intention of NOT smoking again but I can't honestly say that's going to happen.....It has nothing to do with you, it's an addiction plain and simple
    Lucky209

    Answer by Lucky209 at 4:19 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • But he hasn't smoked since he was 17. It's been 8 years, and he has said once or twice before that he would like a cigarette, but he has never acted on it. I'm so so so worried that he's going to start up full force.

    I'm the ONLY one in my family who doesn't smoke. My parents, my siblings, my aunts and uncles... all smokers. I have seen what it does and I don't want it around my children OR my husband. I love him and I don't want him to harm his health so that he feels less stressed.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:21 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Cigarettes are hard to quit, and EXTREMELY hard not to go back to. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how his brain was affected by years of smoking.
    SWasson

    Answer by SWasson at 4:46 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • It wasn't years... it was two or three months. I'm really worried he'll pick it up again and that every cigarette he smokes will be a knife to my heart :(
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:22 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Take it from someone who is trying also it doesn't matter if it's 8 months or 80 years, its HARD!!! Smoking is an addiction and if he skips once in a while, you should not be too hard on him. i want to be smoke free forever and I am doing really good but every once in a while I slip. It's hard, but if you beat him up about it he'll just be more stressed and more tempted. One slip in 8 years!!!! That's great. You should look at it as he's been this strong for so long, he made a little mistake, move on now and hopefully he'll be better.
    gutterflower585

    Answer by gutterflower585 at 5:40 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Way to be supportive, lady. This isn't about you and what you want or what you think, it's about breaking a very difficult addiction, and frankly, if I were in your husband's shoes I would smoke every chance I got just to piss you off until you got down off your high horse and recognized that.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 11:29 AM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • Well it is clear that you have not had YOUR cigarette this morning.

    It's not an addiction. He hasn't smoked for EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS, after smoking briefly and lightly as a teenager. And if that is really how you treat your spouse when they disagree and are hurt with your actions then maybe you're also cranky because you haven't been laid in a while.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:40 AM on Apr. 16, 2011

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