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Im in a pickle, what would you do?

I come from a very split up family. My parents were married 10 years, but I was 5 when they divorced. My dad then remarried several times, which was terribly hard and confusing for my baby sister and I. (He turned out to be a terrible dead beat anyways). My mother re-married, and is still married to the super fantastic man I have called dad for the past 16 years. I guess I am thankful to have gotten to experience a happy family, and a sad family, all at the same time. I have decided for myself, never to get married because of everything I went through as a kiddo. Now, I am in a very serious/ awesome relationship, we are expecting our first child and are both super stocked about her :) But, he has now decided that he wants to marry me!! he, has been married before, and divorced in less than a year. I feel as if I am in a pickle. The thought of marriage terrifies me. I never want my kids to have to experience life the way that I did, I believe that if you get married, it's sacred and divorce should not be something you drag your kids through. It was a terrible experience for me. I love my boyfriend dearly. I feel as though we are totally soul mates and will be together forever. why the need for a marriage certificate, a big wedding? I just dont get it. But... I know he wants it. what would you do???!!! I have expressed these fears with him, but its still something important to him. I don't think he will leave me for not marrying him, but I do believe it will put a damper on our relationship. I know it will hurt him, and I totally understand where he is coming from etc. But how do we both keep our values, and make this work? The baby will have both our last names hyphenated legally, but we will only really acknowledge his. Im just not sure what to do. Thankssss!!!

 
Tarrar

Asked by Tarrar at 5:34 PM on Apr. 15, 2011 in Relationships

Level 22 (13,733 Credits)
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Answers (11)
  • You do not have to repeat the mistakes of your father. Your Mother's second marriage should show you that. If you are in a relationship and he is your forever person than why not show that commitment to him. I had an equally crappy Dad, my Mom never dated after their divorce and it has been about 16 years. When my hubby and I found each other we knew that we were together now matter what (the example I had didn't matter) and wanted to symbolize that commitment towards each other. It also make our life other easier. Insurance, kids in school, taxes, so on and so forth.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 5:51 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • You don't have to have a marriage certificate to drag kids through the dregs and mud when a relationship breaks up. Anytime you have a child and have another person involved in their life it is serious. If that person disappears, even without a bunch of drama it is painful to kids. Can you do it without a legal doc. ? Of course. The full committment of marriage can make a relationship stronger. It's a lot harder to walk away when things get tough. All relationships have their tough times. If YOU are committed and HE is committed why not go for it?
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 5:51 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • What about a commitment ceremony but nothing that makes it a legal marriage?
    CrazyMommy87

    Answer by CrazyMommy87 at 5:38 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • BTW..Melbori has a great point. My husband and I are more in love than every and have been together 32 yrs. Married 30 in July. My Mother has been married 5 times. Have have a douche bag for a sperm donor. You don't have to repeat the mistakes your Dad made.It's your choice.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 5:54 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • my moms cousin who i thought was married to the guy she has lived with and had 3 sons with him well they never were. They lived together since i think college and had all three boys. the boys all had their dads last name, but their mom kept their name. Matter of fact they still are like that, and seem very happy. I think where i am from if u live with someone (opposite sex) for more than 10 years they automatically count u as married.
    2boysyahoo.com

    Answer by 2boysyahoo.com at 5:56 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • I guess all of the above is my point - you can vote me down all you want - I have a crappy dysfunctional family, I don't want to get married again but I think have already made a really important decision here - to bring a life into the world. Doesn't the decision whether to get or not get married seem less important? If it is important to your SO whats the big deal? Previous posters said it best - it doesn't matter whether you are married or not how much shit goes down when or if the relationship goes south - it's still all the same crap. Perhaps I didn't say it in that nice of a way because I'm feeling particularly bitchy today - but thats my point - you are having a baby, you've tied yourself to this man like it or not. I still think there is a stigma when having kids out of marriage - I DON"T agree with it but I think you are not being realistic if you don't acknowledge it. That's all. Wish you best of luck !
    8Tinkerboo8

    Answer by 8Tinkerboo8 at 6:01 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • But how do we both keep our values, and make this work?


    I don't believe both of you will have your way, someone will have to bend or come to an agreement and make it work from that point.


    GL

    musicmom08

    Answer by musicmom08 at 6:43 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • What if you went to counseling to try to help each other through this? Just an idea.............
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 8:01 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Even if you don't get married you are going to be together and any relationship is going to be a compromise. I guess you could ask yourself what kind of values you want your child to grow up with? I'm old fashioned in thinking that if you are having a baby with someone, living together, you may as well get married. Good luck and congrats on the baby. The past can only keep you down if you let it.
    oahoah

    Answer by oahoah at 11:42 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Honestly I think you are being a bit juvenile about this and have a somewhat idealized version of what you are doing. I PERSONALLY believe you don't need to be married to have a great life with someone so i am with you there- it is your reasoning where I begin to disagree. The only reason I feel you should get married is if you have a child - that piece of paper is not going to make him any more or less likely to stay. I firmly believe you should be on the same page with your partner about this because it can cause real problems if you are not. You are in a pickle - I agree. If you marry him - you will feel forced into something you don't want. If you don't, he will feel like you aren't validating what is important. Who cares at this point? Marry him if he is a good guy - you've already made a MUCH more important step by conceiving a child together you will be forever linked no matter what. con't
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:39 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

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