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4 Bumps

Living the wrong life......?

I'll start out by saying that I'm not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. I've made some bad decisions and because of that, things aren't as easy as they might have been. Moving on. My family (parents, and paternal grandparents) has been trying to convince me to move back to the town where I grew up. I moved two states away several years ago, met my DH and had our DD. I love where I live, I have a job, I have friends, I have a life here. But things have started to get a little rocky. DH lost his job a little over a year ago (downsizing) and it took him a year to find a new job. My job doesn't pay overly well and the bills piled up, because of this and because his new job pays only about a third of what he was making, we lost our house. We've also been having some issues in out marriage, and have decided to go with a trial separation, work on ourselves and start seeing a marriage counselor. I should also say that because of some of the things he's said and done my family isn't a big fan of his (he's not a christian, they are; he drinks, they don't; add a smart mouth on him and it's a feud). There's a lot more I could go into, but this would get way too long. Skip to today. My grandparents started in on me by saying that I had nothing left here because I'm going to be living with my brother for a few weeks and DH got a place on his own, this ties into the separation (hard to separate if you're in the same house). Right now DD is at my parent's house on a "vacation" (SIL is not safe for her to be around, so I won't even think of having her there). This is not a permanent thing, as soon as I have enough money for a decent apartment, I'm out of my brother's house and DD comes home. So, about today; while talking to my grandparents and parents, several phrases such as "you can do better" "you need to come home where we can take care of you" and my personal favorite "it's like you abandoned you're daughter" ..... Now I would like to point out that send DD home with my parents was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and as soon as I have something suitable she's coming home, but right now it's not safe for her here and her safety is my first priority. So the latest conversation was with my grandfather who went on to say that it's not right for me to be so far away from the family, I'm living my life wrong, I'm killing my father because I won't do what the family wants, and even if there are no jobs in town it's better if I give up my job, friends, and the life I've built that it's better just because I can go home and let them take care of me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I don't want them to take care of me as though I'm not capable of it myself. The thing is, no matter how I try to tell them that I appreciate their concern and I more than appreciate that they want to help, but I have to take care of myself, this seems to really offend them. I don't get it, I thought they would be happy that I want to make my own money, raise my own child and be generally self sufficient, but they want me to give up everything I've worked for and run back for them to support me. So here's the question; how can I tell them, in a gentle way, that I'm a grown woman (28 years grown), and although I really appreciate what they want to do, it's better if I stand on my own two feet?


Asked by Anonymous at 10:10 PM on Apr. 15, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I think you and your dh have been through so much and that would be hard on ANY relationship.

    I mean, reading all that you've been through, it's tough. I don't like how your parents and or grandparents are putting a guilt trip on you. Sounds like you've got enough on your plate and don't need to hear that.

    Do you love your husband? Do you feel he really loves you? Think you could work things out? Maybe move closer to your parents (if your dh is willing) and start over. Or look somewhere else where you both could possibly find a job.

    Good Luck!

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 10:24 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • I competely understand where you are coming from, Sweetie. I say do what you can right now. If you feel you aren't in the best situation to take care of your daughter, she is best with someone else that is. What good will you be to her if you can't take care of her mentally or physically ? You do what you feel is BEST! That's all you can ask of yourself. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror, who cares what anyone else thinks? Only work things out with your hub if you love him & WANT TO! As for your parents & family's opinions & wants... I have no idea. Get your life together ASAP & get your daughter back with you. If they don't have your daughter, you don't have to listen to them at all. I've been where you are. Still kinda am actually. I wish I had better advice, but if I did, I wouldn't be where I am. LOL Take Care Sweetie. Good Luck!

    Answer by loudnproud87 at 10:32 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • I think you need to be at your daughter's side during this,,if that means renting an effieciency apartment and having her with you ,, thats what it means,, a vacation is a few days, not weeks,,try to repair this with your husband if you love him,, how could the stress of the finances not take a toll on a marriage, but seperating isn't any good (unless it is a way to see someone else) I wouldn't throw this away, but please get your kiddo so she can be with and see you and her dad/.

    Answer by kimigogo at 10:17 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Huggs to you. I had to let my daughter live with my mom in Texas for a Year ( her first year in Kindergarten) I missed everything. FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, school lunches, holidays...ugh! but I don't regret it. It was better for her to be with my mother at the time than with me here in Mexico. She is here now and she's fine. Didn't affect her one bit at all except now she misses Grandma but she's fine. You will be fine too!

    Answer by MexTexmom2 at 10:17 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • By saying just that "I need to know for myself that I can stand on my own two feet. Please let me try and I promise if I can't I will ask for help. It is good to know that you are there for me but right now I need to do what I feel, as a mother, is best for my daughter."

    Please give yourself a time limit on staying with your brother and get your little girl back. I know it is hard on both of you. Hugs

    Answer by brypmom at 10:19 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • It's a great thing that you have a famlily that cares for and loves you ! They just miss you and would like you back with them. That is a compliment. I get the feeling it is more that they are fighting to get you away from your DH more so than to "care" for you. As a parent of adult children, I know the feeling of wanting a different relationship for your child. It hurts and you want them to have the best life possible. Only you know what is best for you. Try and understand where they are coming from and don't take it personal. Soon things will change and you will be able to go and visit them. Do not beat yourself up over this. Sometimes the most painful things in life are the best teachers on the path to true happiness. Good Luck.

    Answer by LeJane at 10:25 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Hugs - I would never leave my DD anywhere during this time - she needs you and you should be going through this together not giving her a further confusing situation to deal with. If she's going for like a week while you get yourself then that is one thing, if she is living there for an unknown amount of time - that is a problem. Stand on your own and no one will own you.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:25 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Actually, the time limit is already in place, I refuse to go longer than a month without my baby. DH and I have agreed to separate because he has some issues from his upbringing that kind of make it hard for him to really be an adult, he wants to work on that (long story) and we both feel that some time apart will help us be better with each other, you know, grow as individuals so we can grow as a couple. If it turns out that I won't be able to get a place in less than a month, DD will be coming back and staying with DH as long as his living situation is up to both our standards. If that's not the case, I'll figure something else out, in fact a friend of mine has offered to keep DD until I have a good enough situation for her (she babysits DD and misses her almost as much as I do).

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:27 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • I'd tell them just like you told us

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:37 PM on Apr. 15, 2011

  • Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, but you are thinking about the welfare of your daughter. Tell them that you aren't a child anymore and you would like to have a chance to stand on your own two feet. Tell them also that you appreciate the help that they are offering and you keep it in mind as your take a chance and try to make it on your own. Good Luck!

    Answer by amessageofhope at 1:11 AM on Apr. 16, 2011