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How do I deal with disrespectful stepchildren and an ex-wife from hell?

I know it sounds a little harsh, but I really do believe that my husband's ex-wife is the devil's sister. She really is evil at times. He has a son(14) and daughter(4) from his previous marriage. I have three boys(9,5,3). His daughter is taught to call me b**ch. She is also taught to mistreat my children. She lies about me and my kids. I have been accused of physical abuse and sexual abuse. I'm tired of dealing with it and I'm to the point that I don't want her at my house. It's mainly his daughter. His son has really chilled out and has formed his own opinion of me. There is so much more, but I don't have enough space to post it all. How do I deal with this? Am I wrong in telling my husband she cannot come back to my house? Her most recent "thing" was asking my three year old son if she could touch him. I am freaking out and don't know what to do. My husband didn't really believe me until he caught her trying to touch my son. But instead of dealing with the issue. He talked to her and that was it. He never said anything to his ex-wife, nothing. Him and I normally get along fine. But when it our weekend for his kids, all hell breaks loose. We normally wind up fighting all weekend or we don't speak at all. What do I do?

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babydolphin718

Asked by babydolphin718 at 5:43 PM on Apr. 16, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 4 (33 Credits)
Answers (7)
  • Do not talk to the EX personally. Let your DH deal with her..... His DD, tell him he has to be home and deal with her all week end. She has to stay with her Dad at all times. If he is not their , she is not their.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:50 PM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • Yikes..this needs damage control! I'm not sure what to tell you, other than maybe start meeting on mutual ground and only having dh go to pick up the kids. Good luck. I hope all this can be worked out.
    mom_to_kenzie

    Answer by mom_to_kenzie at 5:52 PM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • Blended families are hard, but were you not having these problems before you got married? Is this really a surprise?

    The 4 year old child is being used as a pawn by you, your spouse, and the ex-wife. ALL of you should be ashamed of yourselves for putting this child in the middle. Her behavior is a reflection of the turmoil that exists with the adults in her life.

    The only thing you can do is control how you react. What have you done to let this girl know that you care for her? Letting it be known that a 4 year old child, who has a limited capacity to make sense of the chaos in her life, is not welcome in the "new life" that daddy has with you.... not good. Do you really think your husband would choose you over his own child?? If so-- there are far more problems here than can possibly be addressed.

    Have you tried family counseling? Have you tried having her evaluated by a child psychologist?
    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 5:53 PM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • Having a blended family is a lot of work. More work for us step moms it seems. Kids do mess up and are disrespectful at times but don't stop trying. Let her know that you love her as well as her dad and brother. When you choose to love a man with kids you must take the good with the bad. And as much as you hate the bio mom, I do too. The love for ur hubby and his kids needs to be stronger.My ss lied to his mom too about all the above, as well as when he was four she told him to say my lil brother who was 14 was molesting him. She told him if he said this then he can come live with her. He told us what she told him to say. Just stay strong even if it does feel like your defending your parenting all the time. Now my ss is 12 and me and him are as close as mom and son. Thats something his mom can't stop, all I did was be there for him, anytime he needs me and never let him down, no matter what is mom says to him.
    Kimberly71682

    Answer by Kimberly71682 at 5:56 PM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • sounds like your husband needs to get control of his x and as far as the four year old goes if you belive in spanking then she is not to old for it! I would not speak to the x my self but if he cant get a grip on her then I would tell him he has to deal with her and he must be there to take of his daughter that you are his current wife and refuse to be treated like that by a x and especally a four yr. old child!
    LittleBearMama

    Answer by LittleBearMama at 7:37 PM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • Busimommi: I have not used her as a pawn. I had a great relationship with her until visitation was withheld by ex. It took us over a year to regain visitation. We went to court four times that year. After we starting seeing them again, all of the problems started. My kids have suffered physical abuse from her. Her and her mom have cussed my children and called them bastards and other names. I know this child needs help, but we are limited to every other weekend. Am I supposed to subject my kids to her abuse?
    babydolphin718

    Comment by babydolphin718 (original poster) at 8:32 PM on Apr. 16, 2011

  • You make this child sound like evil incarnate-- she's only 4! She is reflecting behavior that she is being taught, the turmoil that she sees going on with the adults, etc. I do not believe that a bad relationship is so because one the conduct of just one party.

    What her mom does, is beyond your control. What the child does in your home is not. Just like you would with your own children-- establish a system of discipline so that she understands there are consequences for her actions. But also praise the good-- this child is not evil. This child is being used to manipulate the people in her life. If she calls your children "bastards," explain the meaning, why it's not nice, and that you will not tolerate it. If she does it again, instill the punishment. Once she sees that every time she is with you, behavior x gets result y consistently, she will no longer do it.

    As for mom-- document and present at hearing.
    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 5:21 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

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