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How do I gain the respect of my step daughter?

My step daughter is feeling competitive with me. She wants her parents back together and I'm in the way. It's clear that she doesn't respect me> My husband has tremendous guilt over not giving her a home with two parents at the beginning and also has permissive parenting style. He doesn't feel comfortable asking his daughter not to be rude or disrespectful and instead defends her right to feel that way given her life's experience. How can I address my step daughter when she's being rude or disrespectful and not get in trouble with my husband?


Asked by Anonymous at 7:20 PM on Apr. 17, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • As hard as it is in your own home, - You need to back off completely and stay out of it, ... stay out of anything to do with your step daughter or his ex-wife,... Instead, focus on yourself, do things to start making you feel better about you, Make your home Inviting at all times for your husband and for the visits with your step daughter, the more you back off, but remain pleasant, the better the situation will get, I totally disagree with the other comments, don't ask your husband a thing about it right now, don't do it... ----- Right now all thats spinning through your mind, is the negative with this kid, - Re-Focus on You first, do everything you can for you and a pleasant househole first,/counseling for you if needed, before you address anything with your husband or the kid... ------- (If you take my advice, and it doesn't get better with time, then hubby can do day visits away from the home, no overnights, till better.

    Answer by Kay300 at 11:02 AM on Apr. 26, 2011

  • You'll have to start with the husband. I came from a divorced family, nothing wrong with that. He is giving her a 2 parent home by marring you. If he loves you then he needs to set rules for his daughter, would he allow her to back talk her teachers? His mother? His exwife? If not then you should be no diffirent. I'd flat out tell her (the kid) I'm not tring to replace your mom. But i love your dad and he loves me and we are a family now. If you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all. If he doesnt support you you may want to move out. Is he growing old with his daughter or you?

    Answer by Eko at 7:26 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • You need to talk to your husband. he needs to defend YOU.

    Answer by amberpatterson at 1:58 PM on Apr. 20, 2011

  • it is your hubbs responsibility to stand by your side in a situation like this but he is not doing it. he is putting his daughter over you plain and simple. he does not respect you enough to put a stop to it. i foresee many problems in your future!!!!! i would move out if i were you. the situation will not change. he does not respect you enough. maybe he secretly wouldn't mind getting back with the ex...ya never know. maybe you are 2nd best and his ideal choice would be living with the ex and his daughter. you should not settle for 2nd best. you should be treated with respect. know your worth.

    Answer by gwen20 at 7:26 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • This is a hard one. I would just let her know, seriously she does not have to be your friend, but she does have to follow your rules. Disrespect is not tolerated. IF you want respect you have to give respect. your husband better back you up. if you let her run all over you you will never have controlin your own home. set some ground rules, and consequences if the rules are broken. tat is it. dot award her bad behavior y kissing her butt.

    Answer by cmerc19 at 11:08 PM on Apr. 18, 2011

  • i agree w/ amber p.

    Answer by SweetlilQtMama at 11:14 PM on Apr. 21, 2011

  • well he can choose to allow it but you always do have the right to decide how you will be treated by people and you can punish her but i had a step sister like that and im sorry to say i dont think it will ever change

    Answer by flipper4u21 at 11:26 PM on Apr. 22, 2011

  • my stepson was 3 when he came into my life. he's now 21. he went through the same thing of wanting his mom&dad back together. mom & dad both told him this would not happen also mom had a new man in her life at the same time. he eventually realized this was not going to happen. one thing his mom&dad both told him was he may not like his stepfather or me but he WOULD respect us because we were adults. one thing his stepfather and i both did was treat him as our own child. mind you he lived in another state and only saw his dad&i parttime. it also helped that even though mom&dad had issues dealing with each other we were all there on board when it came to their son. he now loves his stepmomand stepdad as much as his own mom&dad. his mom always told him she may have given birth to him but i was his mom too and he does love me as such. dad needs to stop allowing her to disrespect the household because of his guilt and work on that.

    Answer by kim091866 at 9:43 AM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • Being a step parent is soo hard and its never going to work if your DH doesn't stand behind YOU one hundred percent! My DH's rules with his kids is that I am to be treated like any other adult- with respect and dignity.

    Answer by maybaby22 at 2:18 PM on Apr. 25, 2011

  • The first step is to get your DH on the same page as you. Second step is to sit down and talk to her about it. Your DH has to be a part of it. She DOES have a right to feel that way, but she needs to be respectful. I had an issue w/ my SD at first, too. SS had no problem with me. SD would get all super mad at her brother (when he called me mom-on his own accord. I wasn't very comfortable with that, but I didn't want to be rude to him.) and be like "B______, you have a mom! She's at home, and her name is J________!" I just ignored it when she said that because it's not that big of a deal. This was about 7 years ago. In the past, they wouldn't listen to me while I was watching them. Eventually, I had to get DH to step in. I told him that if they did not listen to me, that I would not watch them anymore. So, now he reprimands them when they do wrong.

    Answer by SAMNMAYASMOM at 9:44 PM on Apr. 25, 2011