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4 Bumps

I don't need bashed I feel bad enough.....

My ds is 18; has a girl pg (due in Jun). They have been on and off for about 2 years. Just as I get adjusted to be coing a gma - they are off. I ask him y he goes back and forth. A bit of background - his dad cheated alot on me. We split when ds was 4 days old he moved out. My ex and son had very little contact over the years - sporadic weeks during summers or when ex decided to come to town. So my ds replies....i want to have other women; idc how anyone feels. Some ppl use drugs and alchol I use sex to escape. I can't force him into thearpy, I can't make him HEAR me on how I felt, what it does to ANY of the parties involved. I feel like I have failed COMPLETELY. I love him with all my heart - but right now I just want to shut him completely out of my life! His gf has told me over and over that no matter what she wants me to be part of this babies life and I certainly hope that stands true (i have no reason to doubt here) but I know I went thru a phase of shutting out my exs parents because it brought up hurts. Can anyone please tell me how to react? Is there any words of wisdom? BTW my ex's words to me "I can't be faithful, I won't be faithful; you deserve more" He laughed when I asked about stds, aids, etc that "at least he'd die happy". I don't know how if you weren't around a regular influence you can become like that???? I have been physically ill all day - and really could use advice not bashed for my mothering skills or lack thereof.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:30 PM on Apr. 17, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (14)
  • Not your fault. All you can do is be there for the gf and baby.
    momavanessa

    Answer by momavanessa at 9:35 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • you raised your son the best you knew how, he's choices as an adult are his own not yours......just keep in contact with the mom/baby and maybe not mention him when they are around......let him/her work out their relationship on their own....
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 9:39 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be a difficult situation. I think if you can you should try to talk to your ds about being a father to his child even if him and the mother are not together. That is the most important issue. He needs to step up and take responsibility for his child.
    MrsMWF

    Answer by MrsMWF at 9:39 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • I think the gf will stay true to her word. If she's 18, she needs all the help she can get and a good support group so I'm sure she'll stay in contact with you, regardless of what's going on between her and your son. As for your son, it's nothing you did, you can't blame yourself. We all cope differently. Some people drink, smoke, work out, and yes, some people use sex. It's not a healthy option but vices usually aren't. It may be an underlying issue due to the father leaving. You can't force him into therapy, he's 18. All you can do is love your son. No matter what, let him know you love and accept him and please advise him to be safe(condoms). All kids go through things. He's growing up. No matter what choices he chooses to make, just let him know you accept him.
    fricky29

    Answer by fricky29 at 9:42 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • Thank you ladies. He has already takin steps to provide financially (as an unborn he has a sep savings acct going) and already talked with his HR to find out what he needs to do after arrival. He wants the baby as often as possible. My concern today is his sexual behavior. I know he is an adult and he has every right to choose. But honestly don't men get hurt emotionally in the love em and leave em process too?
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:42 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • I say just be supportive. There's really nothing you else you can do. Don't allow him to bring other women to house or w.e like that to have sex, but if you voice your opinion too much he will cut you out of his life & maybe even his baby's life. He's an adult. Obviously he isn't ready or mature enough to handle a serious relationship. All you can do is explain what can happen like diseases & let it go.
    loudnproud87

    Answer by loudnproud87 at 9:43 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • This is NOT your fault. Even though we may hope and plan for the best, children have a mind of their own!!!
    Just be there for the gf and make sure he at lease supports the child financially.
    mrsvixen

    Answer by mrsvixen at 9:55 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • But honestly don't men get hurt emotionally in the love em and leave em process too?


    Some do; and some don't. You can mention therapy to him again; there are a few types of sex addictions. Wanting or even needing a lot of sex is different than wanting/needing a lot of different partners. There's something unusual behind that. He's not saying simply he's too young to settle down w/ the first girl; he's saying specifically he wants/needs lots of different girls!

    The only other thing you could try to do is talk to him and explain that you're trying to be supportive but his behavior not only worries you for his own health & safety; but also brings up negative feelings from your own past. Mention to him how much time babies require and how that might affect his 'pimp daddy' lifestyle dreams.

    He needs to not alienate the baby's mother too much; most places require the father to be at the hospital to be put on the BC
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • Yes, I wonder why he turned out like his dad. How would he know, unless you mentioned it to him when he was growing up?

    If I was you, I think I would try to bond as much as you can with his girlfriend, become close and then maybe she WILL let you see your
    grandchild when the baby is born.

    Good Luck!
    ItsJustMe1017

    Answer by ItsJustMe1017 at 10:01 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

  • Im sorry you are going through this, I cant imagaine how painful it is to see him doing this, especially after dealing with the pain of his father doing the same thing. We all want whats best for our children. I think you can tell him you love him and are going to be there for him if he needs you, but that you are disapointed and dont support his actions, and if he ever does decide to get help that you will be happy to help him however he needs it. I will say though that the most important thing you can do is pray for him. He is 18 still, he is young, there is hope for him. He may just be freaking out about the responsibility that is being thrown at him. Rememeber to tell him you are proud of him for at least taking the steps to be there for his child. You can not change him or his actions, but you can pray for him to reach the point where he wants to take the actions needed to help. Good luck.
    -LovingMamma-

    Answer by -LovingMamma- at 10:13 PM on Apr. 17, 2011

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